The disapearance of Lori Hacking which is a local event here and has made national news has been much on my mind lately. Hard to not have it on my mind since everywhere I go people are discussing it. The thing that bothers me most is the way that people are discussing it. They are almost always the fearful discussions of people who find this kind of event beyond comprehension. I read a fantastic book about a year ago which makes this kind of thing not only comprehensible, but predictable. The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.
I highly recommend this book to everyone. After reading it I have been much less fearful of violence. I feel like I know better how to predict it and what to do if it threatens. Gavin de Becker knows his subject and explains it thoroughly. I wish Lori Hacking had read it. Maybe then she could have protected herself from abduction or from her own husband whichever happened to her.
Given the current rumors regarding a bloody knife having been found in the Hacking’s apartment, I can’t help but think that Lori has an unfortunately ironic surname.
Pregnant wife, lying husband, woman disappears while on a walk…. and he denies having anything to do with her disappearance.
Haven’t we heard this story before? I can actually see the Peterson defense saying ‘see, the Satanists are now in Salt Lake City, so my client is innocent’ now. 😛
Besides, wouldn’t she need to be ‘Lori Hackinslash’ for the surname to be truly ironic? Most knives are used to slash or stab, IIRC, since they just don’t have the weight to hack.
Maybe it’s her husband’s name that is ironic. Or maybe she has a really bad cough. I mean, we can still hope, right?
Either way, I’ll bet that someone else’s defense uses this as a sign that their client isn’t responsible for another superficially similar situation.
Yes we’ve heard this story before. And there are, literally, millions of times it happens that we don’t even hear about it. 99.9% of Women who are murdered are murdered by husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends, and ex-boyfriends. And then all the neighbors talk to the media and say “I can’t understand it! He always seemed so nice!”
Becker very clearly shows that the neighbors in cases like this are willfully blind. In almost every case there were multiple red flags which, had people paid attention to them, could have saved the life of the woman. Violence is predictable and avoidable.
Isn’t that the key? That people are willfully blind, because they don’t want to accept the idea that a relationship may not work, or that the people involved may not be doing the sane thing? That for one reason or another (religious, financial, or simple ignorance), people will choose not to see something, or cannot get out of a situation without help – and their friends or others will not get involved, because they don’t want to interfere, or because they’d rather believe in the image of a perfect relationship?
There are none. However, there are happy relationships… and not so happy ones. A lot more of the latter than the former, though happy relationships aren’t unique, thankfully – just not talked about as much.
I don’t want to sound as though I’m blaming the victim – but don’t you think at least some of this would be avoided if these women would open their eyes – at least to the same extent that you/we feel that the neighbors and relatives should?
I think that in many instances the victim participates in maintaining the charade – for whatever reason. Or is reluctant to take action to prevent violence.
I sure wish I knew what the answer is.
You really need to read The Gift of Fear. Gavin de Becker shows us all how to take responsibility for saving ourselves from this kind of stuff, and he does so WITHOUT sounding like he’s blaming the victims. Women ESPECIALLY need to read this book.
Gavin says, at one point: “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.”
–Howard
Interesting…
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/West/07/27/missing.jogger.ap/index.html
How far would a guy who’s been proven twice a liar go to hide it?
Well, three times if you count him saying that his wife didn’t wake him up after the jog.. the day he was seen buying a new matress.
Four times if one can include the ‘I don’t know what happened to my wife’ bit.
Re: Interesting…
That’s just lovely. They just updated the above link to say they’re searching the municipal Garbage Dump now, and that the med school thing was just the tip of the iceberg, as it were.
Worse and Worse
http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/news/story.jsp?flok=FF-APO-1110&idq=/ff/story/0001%2F20040731%2F2016300135.htm&sc=1110&photoid=20040723SLC803
Now I -know- she should’ve read the book. She saw the signs, ignored them, and then ignored some more.