Day: September 20, 2004

It is strange how I can see an event coming for a long time and anticipate the arrival with happy or at least content feelings, but when it actually arrives still feel so so lost and scared.

Howard left Novell today. It was the right choice to make. We both believe that is true. But the security net is gone and suddenly I realize exactly how far down “bottom” is. Staring down into that netless chasm I suddenly begin to doubt my ability to walk the fine line which keeps us up. Fear could become all consuming if I allow it to be so.

I chose not to. Fear must become background because I am making myself a new net from faith and my own knowledge and from counting the friends and family who will not let me fall without fighting to keep me up.

I have checked and rechecked. I can keep us going for the next three months with only the resources in hand. What happens after those three months depends on how much revenue we can coax out of Schlock Mercenary during those three months.

Life is going to be very different around here. Part of me is glad. Part of me is scared. But we can do this and it will be good for us.

Ha! I finally caught the mouse that has been stealing peanut butter off of the traps for weeks. Howard suguested that I place two traps facing each other. It Worked! I’ve finally caught the source of that annoying skittering noise in the walls. Just in case he had friends I’ve reset the traps.

Patches has been sick all weekend. Sick and mostly miserable. Patches is usually a pretty easy-going little fellow, but when he’s grumpy he gets into these moods where he screams no matter what I do. I hold him he fusses and wriggles. I put him down he screams and grabs my legs. I pick him up and he cries. I sit down he screams. I try to read him a story he knocks it out of my hands then he cries because the book is on the floor. I pick up the book and he knocks it out of my hands again. This behavior continues for an hour or more until he either consents to eat something or the tylenol has a chance to really kick in.

I much prefer the kind of sick where the child climbs into my lap and just snuggles. Patches did that once too. After he’d been snuggling for a few minutes he looked up at me and gave me a kiss on my cheek. An un-begged-for kiss from a child is a parent’s best reward. He gave me several kisses accompanied by looks that said “You’re a wonderful mommy. Thank you for taking care of me.” Right then I was so soft and melty inside that all the tantrums didn’t matter.

I took Patches to the doctor today. They confirmed my at-home diagnosis of Hand Foot and Mouth disease. If I’d held off for another 12 hours it would probably have been distinctive enough that I wouldn’t have felt the need to go in at all. HFM is one of those illnesses you just have to live through, like colds. So we’re in for a miserable week. One of these days I’ll start trusting my own judgement and stop dropping a $15 co-pay to have the doctor confirm what I’d already figured out for myself.