Years ago when I was pregnant with my first child, I read pregnancy books with dismay. They informed me that I was going to get fat and clumsy and my thinking would go foggy and my emotions would be unstable. I read and wondered “How will I still be me when so much about me changes?” I feared losing my identity, my “self”. Obviously I’m still me, I still have my self, but I have definitely learned that the condition of my body affects what I am capable of accomplishing. I don’t like that. I intensly dislike that pregnancy or illness or chemical imbalance can take away from me things that I value about my self. “Stable”, “Capable”, and “Responsible” are all words that I want to always be able to use when describing myself. There are hosts of other words “creative”, “imaginative”, “energetic” and yet it is entirely possible that some bodily condition could put those things forever out of reach. All it would take is a car crash to land me in a world where my whole existence is narrowly focused around pain management. All it would take is for me to beat the odds on yet another rare or disabling illness. All it would take is for me to not have access to Thyroid medication and my world would dissolve into emotional chaos. I’m pretty sure that a thyroid imbalance is what has set off all this gloom in the first place.
All of this psuedo-philosophical rambling is me trying to hide a childish “It’s not fair!” behind enough words so that no one knows I’ve said it. Life isn’t fair. No one said it was. Life isn’t permanent. No one said it was. Life is a gift. All those capabilities and qualities that I fear losing are gifts. I need to enjoy the gifts while I have them because I’m pretty sure some of them are only on loan. Anyone who has done any aging will tell you so. Most of all I need to be grateful that medical science has made resovling a thyroid imbalance into a simple procedure. I really should not grumble about my soluable medical condition when so many people suffer under conditions which continue to mystify all the experts.
So tomorrow I’ll be trotting myself to the doctor for a blood test. Then I’ll get to re-convince everyone that “High normal” actually means that the dosage of my medicine definitely needs to be raised. I’ve gone through this multiple times before, I just was hoping that my broken gland would stabilize instead of continuing to slowly degrade. I really dislike being dependent on daily dosages of medicine, but I am intensely grateful that medical science has made my continued existence and daily medicine possible. I’ve got to remind myself of that because I’m currently chemically inclined to gloominess.
Hope all goes well today – there’s a lot of folks (especially the ones who live under your roof) who look forward to seeing your sunny disposition in action.
believe me, i understand. just over four years ago, my girlfriend caught viral meningitis. a sophomore in high school suddenly bed-ridden, most likely because of a mesquito bite. she was a statistical anomoly, enough so that her family physician that she’s known all her life decided that she was making it all up for attention rather than believe it was something he’d never seen before. she was on a cocktail of drugs, half of which to counteract the side effects of the other. before they got all the levels figured out she sank into a depression and tried to kill herself at least once that i know of. and finally she recovered. she came back to school after almost ten months of being alone, and within two months she had a relapse.
she’s finally off the last of the medications. but the chemicals are still there. they shift. sometimes from day to day, sometimes much slower.
but if none of this had happened we’d never have dated. we were best friends before she got sick and i was the only one who kept in touch. and as of today, we’ve been together three years, two months, and sixteen days… she’s the most important thing in my life and in however many years it takes, i look forward to being where you and howard are. just to let you know, a silver lining and all that crap…
for what it’s worth, i’ll be praying for you
john
Prayers count for a lot. Thank You.
I’m glad that your girlfriend is well on the road to recovery. Physical and emotional recovery from pain and isolation can take a very long time. I’m glad she’s got you.
As for me, I’m doing worlds better. On Monday morning I woke up feeling completely normal. It was like a fog had lifted and I was able to remember that about two weeks prior I’d had an extremely busy 4-5 days where I forgot to take my medication. Thyroid medecines act slowly and there a 10 day delay on effects. I think I’ve learned to be much more conscientious about getting my medecine every single day. So, the gloom is gone, optimisim and energy have returned, this is good. Unfortunately it doesn’t change the fact that I’m permanently dependent on medications to stabilize my body. That is still scary.