Kiki has decided that Gleek is the most annoying person in the world. I could chalk it up to normal sibling rivalry and wait for them to grow out of it, but I’m disinclined to do so. In my growing up years a sibling relationship with issues nearly tore my family apart and became physically dangerous more than once. I was an observer, not a participant, but it was terrifying to us all. I can’t/won’t sit and wait for things to get better because my experience teaches me that worse is just as likely. My strategy for improving their relationship is as follows:
1. Gleek is frequently annoying because she is starved for attention. She is a high-energy person in a house full of introverts. We all spend a lot of time trying to convince her to leave us alone for awhile. I’m going to have to give up some of my introvert time and actively spend time with Gleek. She needs more stories, more games, more tickles, more snuggles, etc.
2. Kiki is allowed to complain about Gleek so long as she does not do it where Gleek can hear. Not even Kiki can control what she feels, but she can control what she says and where. Anytime she says something hurtful where Gleek can hear, then as part of the apology Kiki will have to say two nice things about Gleek to Gleek. In the interests of fairness this new rule will apply to all people in the household.
3. Kiki has to compile a list of 50 things she likes about Gleek. This is a direct consequence of yesterday’s incidents which brought this problem into focus for me. We’re going to come up with 3 things each day until we have a full list. Once she is angry Kiki has trouble coming up with even one nice thing, even when Kiki and Gleek were playing wonderfully only minutes ago. I need to help her focus on positive things instead of negative.
4. I will provide Kiki with as much Gleek-free space as I can manage. This is difficult because they share a room, but we’ve already made a few helpful adjustments.
5. I’m turning the Mommy Radar sensitivity way up when the two of them are together. Right now it does not take much for Kiki to go ballistic and explode and so I have to be right there to intervene until the other measures have had time to work some attitude changes. In fact I’m just turning it way up when Gleek is near anyone. I paid attention today and every single sibling squabble which occured involved Gleek. Gleek is not beligerent, she is headstrong, and the other kids do not have the skills they need to deal with her. I’m going to have to actively intervene long enough for the other kids to pick up some Gleek management skills. My intervention will also help Gleek develop more trust that she will be listened to without resorting to screaming or hitting.
6. I’m going to help Gleek do some overtly nice things for Kiki. This will give Kiki some things to write on her list.
7. I have to stop letting Gleek bend and break rules simply because she’s worn me out and I’m too tired to stop her. Kiki sees this and it makes her angry/resentful. Kiki then displaces the anger to Gleek because Gleek is a safer target than Mom.
So that’s the plan. I re-read it and it exhausts me. I don’t want to have to do all of that. I don’t want to give up more of my mental, emotional, and physical energy. But they need me too and I dare not fail them. Parenting is like juggling and I’ve just added 7 more balls to keep in the air. This means I’ll be dropping something else. Not on purpose, but I simply can’t do everything all the time. Being a good parent is knowing which ball is okay to drop today. I can catch it on the bounce right?
I like rule #2, myself. 🙂 Good luck with the juggling act … *hug*
Good luck Sandra, it sounds like an amazing plan. I wish my parents had done something to smooth over my relationship with my brother..we’re just now able to really have a conversation together.
#2 and #3 are something that we need to work on.
Lightning Boy will just complain about his little sister in front of her reinforcing to her that she is: mean, loud, crazy… etc.
When we WANT to reinforce to her that she is NICE, and can share, and is a good girl.
So, cool, a rule we can install into our own family.
#3 needs to be definite rule. After Lightning Boy announcing just after breakfast: Today is my bad day! We have started to recall positive happy things that happened throughout the day during dinner.
I don’t know if it’s everyone or just a family trait, but it’s SO HARD to think of or remember happy, positive things.
We NEED condition ourselves to highlight the positive and perhaps an added “What I like about you” disscusion would be beneficial to us as well.
(at least I would like to hear nice things about me, instead of complaints about, ew, I don’t want to eat THAT! and NO! I don’t want to clean up! etc.)
I thought that the youngest child getting away with everything because parents are too tired and worn out was a tradition… 🙂
Thank you and Good Luck Sandra, you can do it!
Good luck on this… I personally sympathize with Gleek, ’cause I was/is a high-energy ectrovert myself…
One idea to create Gleek-free space is perhaps get Gleek some playmates like her to run around with.
Rule #2 was the result of one of those fortuitous moments which happen so rarely in parenting. Kiki was yelling at Gleek “You’re so annoying!” and Gleek was beginning to tear up for a major wailing session. Howard and I were both sitting there and angry at the two second escalation from happy to name calling. Howard declared that Kiki had to go to her room and I shouted after her “And you have to stay there until you can think of two nice things to say to your sister!” Boom. Rule two.
I have worlds of sympathy for Gleek when I’m not being actively exhausted by her. She gets the short end of the stick more frequently than anyone else in our family. Because of her personality most of it seems to bounce right off of her, but the key word there is “seems”.
You’re right, Gleek definitely needs to be with friends more often.
Little kids are fun, but I’m sure very tiring, you seem to be doing good so far, but then again, I have no idea, not having any of my own.
And yes, those of us who are energetic extroverts (spelled it right this time ;p) seem to always bounce back, but we often hide a lot of the pain. Be careful not to be too hard on Gleek, I know that I, despite my often cheery demeanor, take critisms poorly, and am by far my own worst critic, and have been for years.
Now, on the flip side, one thing to make she to teach her is respect for others and self-control. These are things my parents tried to teach me, and somewhat took, but at the same time, its best to try and teach them early.
This is very useful information. I’m always trying to figure out what is going on inside her head.
I know you posted the ages of all of the little Taylors before, but I can’t remember Gleek’s age (and am to lazy to try and look them up, that and I’m up WAY to late), but if Gleek is like any energetic extrovert at a young age, the basic through process goes something like:
“Bored now, I wanna play with someone. Hey, you’re alone, you must be bored and wanna play with someone too!”
Its the “with” that is important to her, not the what they do, just that she does it with someone else, anyone else. Actually, that thought process doesn’t change much, I’m 21, and I STILL think like that often. The entire concept of alone time to an extrovert is frankly scary, to us being alone is… well, lonely, boring and depressing. Perhaps another thing to do would be to encorage the other siblings (and even Mr Taylor) to spend more time with her, not just you. Siblings can often help more than any others, and just spreading out the load can help. Oftentimes, if they initiated the activity, and got to choose something they wanted to do, I would not be surprised if Gleek went along with what they wanted to do just because it was with them.
I’m rambling now, and its past 2 AM for me… hope this helps…
Brothers
Hi Sandra,
Yeah I remember this sibling rivalry, I think I told you I have an identical twin and we had a love hate relationship until I left home. Love Hate being we hated one another when together but loved one another when apart, we would (and still do) defend one another to the end, but in each others company we were evil, I seem to remember this being worse during our teenage years, finding our own space I guess, and girls always got in the way somehow, anyhow I left home and married Chris and we have been the best of friends since, so I guess it did no long term damage.
Best of luck with the girls, it seems you have things covered as usual.
Regards
Chris.
You have helped alot. I’m an introvert from a family of introverts. Howard is an introvert who’s learned to extrovert when needed. As near as I can tell Gleek leans toward extrovertedness and that means my instinctual reactions are going to clash with hers.
You’re right about siblings. I’m VERY glad that Gleek is third and not first. She is currently 4 btw.
Re: Brothers
If I seem to always have things covered its because I can’t type when I’m tearing my hair out. 😉
I only get around to posting in here to solidify half-formed solutions. And to share experimental solutions which might be of use to other parents who read this.
I’m no mom, but do alternate between introvert & extrovert, so I know both sides of the coin, so listen if you like. Your posts certainly get me thinking about what I’m probably going to have to do.
a variety of thoughts:
that does sound like a good amount of work. Smart though. Hopefully success here cuts back on the amount of extra balls that you have to juggle, and as importantly, makes the juggling more enjoyable.
Your gleek sounds a lot like several sesame street characters, especially elmo. Does she do well at learning social skills from “peers”?
Friends will probably save you a lot of work if they’re available. Peer pressure is a painfully effective teacher.
Is there a lonely person who could use a visitor? An older member of your church?
Extroverts will chatter a lot as they learn a new activity, but once they get to enjoy sitting quietly with you and doing it, the talk eventually putters down to the occasional comment. The conversations are also much more enjoyable than conversations with a frustrated extrovert.
She might really love gardening with someone, which is an introvert-in-need-of-relaxation friendly activity.
Does howard have time to teach her to draw?
One thing you’re probably already doing, but didn’t specifically mention, is helping the other children understand how Gleek’s personality differs from theirs and why she behaves in the ways she does. That might be worth pulling that out of the subconscious realm and into the list of “things to actively focus on.” Kiki, especially, seems old enough that understanding what is happening and why might help her cope better and come up with new Gleek-management skills.
Actually I haven’t been doing that because until two days ago I hadn’t really connected in my head that Gleek is an extrovert. It’s one of those smack myself on the head things. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t figure it out sooner, it explains so much. Now that I see it though I actually have some useful words to explain the difference to Kiki and Link. Describing her as “little” and “active” didn’t really describe the differences in a way that made the older kids sympathetic.
These are all helpful sugguestions as I tackle this challenge from a new direction.
I was that girl when I was younger, and my mom used to tell me that I wore her out. I never understood what she meant until much later. I do remember one thing that was really helpful in my childhood though. Have you ever thought of finding a local childrens theater group for Gleek? Where she could act? That way some of her at home time could also be spent practicing lines, which would make it easier on the rest of the family, since being an audience can be less stressful than needing to be the entertainment. Also, get her a nice full length mirror and she might be able to reherse by herself. I remember really enjoying acting as a kid, and it takes a lot of energy, even for an extrovert. I’d often come home really enthusiastic about the play, but worn out of my actual high energy state. Just a thought. That, and maybe painting or sculpture. Good luck with her. She probably won’t appreciate how hard you tried to help her until she’s older, but I bet eventually she will realize it, and be very grateful that she had such an understanding parent.