The stresses in my brain.
I like to think that we are mostly wise in our choice of how to spend money. Even so, things seem to add up and the financial buffer is getting lean again. There are some things coming soon which will give us some more breathing room, but the back of my brain can’t help wondering if “soon” will be “soon enough.” Logically I line everything up and know we’ll be fine. I guess I’d just like to see Howard being more financially rewarded for the work he does. The next step in the road is producing books. But we can’t make books until Howard creates some bonus material. And Howard can’t make bonus material until the buffer is a respectable size. And the buffer is about to take a hit because of Conduit. And when he gets done with Conduit he’ll build the buffer and then we go on vacation for a week. And then he’ll build the buffer AGAIN. I’m having a hard time picturing him really working on book material before July 1. Which pushes the publication date into September or October. That seems so far away when we could use book income now.
I really hope that Conduit is worth the stress and effort. We’ve had a hard time communicating with the people there. The schedules haven’t worked out the way we’d like. Howard is going to have to drive to Salt Lake and back three days running. We don’t know if he’ll have space to sit and draw. We don’t know if the artwork I spent tow hours matting for the art show will sell. If Howard comes home tired-but-happy then Conduit will be worth it. If he comes home frustrated or depressed, then we will have spent all that stress just to gain more stress.
Another frustrating thing is seeing friends who coud really use business help, and knowing that I am fully capable of diving in and solving the problem, but I can’t do it because in order to do so I’d have to neglect either family or Schlock. My comittments have dwindled lately as the kids’ school shuts down for the summer. As a result I have actually begun to conquor some long neglected household tasks. It may be selfish, but I don’t want to give up the time. I want to keep my household running smooth and clutter free. I want to finally clean closets and organize the garage. I want to take my kids to the library every week. I can’t do those things if my attention is split by paying attention to someone else’s business problem. The good news is that these people are very capable and will probably find an excellent solution without my help. Unfortunately that doesn’t stop me from feeling a little guilty for failing to volunteer.
Oh, and the kids were all cranky this evening. I’ve no idea why. And I’ve got to make them go to bed and then cook so that I can do the picnic breakfast that I’ve promised to them. Right now I want to curl up with a movie or a book and none of the ones I have in the house currently interest me. And Howard has been struggling with the blues this week. Anytime Howard is depressed I feel like I ought to do something to help him. It’s yet another burden I place on my own shoulders while wondering why I’m aching from the strain of carrying everything.
I wish that being able to see that I’m causing my own stress was the same as making the stress disappear.