Month: July 2005

I stuck in a recorded-from-television version of Titanic this afternoon. I had piles of laundry to fold and while I was interested in seeing bits of Titanic again, I was not interested in giving it my full attention. So I happily folded and fast- forwarded my way through to the point where the boat was actually sinking. That was when a screaming tantrum arrived at my back door in the form of Gleek. She and her friend had some sort of falling out and my neighbor had to haul Gleek home by force because the two girls needed to just not be together for awhile. Gleek was in that past-all-reason frantic tantrum stage where she protests absolutely everything including my handing her security blanket to her. On a desperate whim I hit Play on the DVD player. The tantrum stopped cold. Ships breaking in half are far too interesting to let a mere tantrum interfere. Here is the rest of the movie as narrated by Gleek:

“Why is the ship breaking? Why are all the people yelling? Why is the boat falling? Why is the boat going into the water? Why did they climb onto the rail? Are the boy and the girl going to die? Why are all the people yelling in the water? Is the boy dead now? why is she getting on that thing? Why does the boy stay in the water? Why are they talking so much? They are still talking! Why are they shivering? Are all those people in the water dead? Why is she doing that? Why did she drop him in the water? Who is the old lady? I don’t like the old lady, make it go fast. Is the old lady going to jump in the water? Why did she drop that in the water? It was pretty! Can we go back to where the boy is alive? OH there he is! Are they getting married now?

Needless to say Gleek missed most of the drama and romance of the movie Titanic. It was nearly incomprehensible to her. I can’t say I’m sorry. The last thing I want is for either of my girls to latch on to Titanic as some sort of romantic ideal. (Why is it that when Old Rose dies she has a romantic reunion with Jack whom she knew for less than a week instead of with the man with whom she married, raised children, and spent her life?) At least now I can hand off or pitch the low quality DVD. I’ve no desire to watch it again.

The interactions between the animal brain and the rational brain are always fascinating to observe. Unfortunately when it is your own brain you’re observing the experience is not always comfortable.

Yesterday I was driving kids home from swim lessons and I heard an awful THUNK noise on the side of my van. I knew instantly that something had struck my vehicle. A glance at the shattered remains of my right side mirror confirmed this diagnosis. I pulled over and turned to face the man running toward me. His truck was parked on the side of the road and also had a shattered mirror. He was afraid that I’d intended to just keep driving. The mirror on my van clipped the mirror of his truck, breaking both. I cannot honestly tell you if I was driving too close or if his truck was parked too far from the curb, a little of both perhaps. We exchanged names and addresses. I wrote down the time/date/location I also identified a witness I can hunt up if necessary. I don’t think it is going to be necessary. I intend to be civilized and pay for the damage I did. The man whose truck I hit also seems really inclined to be civilized. So I’ll be out $500 in damages, but won’t have to deal with any messy civil suit proceedings.

I kept my cool while dealing with the information exchange, but I was shaky and in tears for the rest of my very careful drive home. Unfortunately Howard was not home and wasn’t easy to reach, so I couldn’t confess and deal with all the emotions right away. I used repression as my psychological management tool. I found lots and lots of ways to not think about the damage to my car and the resulting damage to my budget. I also managed to not think about people sometimes screw each other out of lots of money in cases like this. Well, I mostly managed to not think about it. Then Howard got home and most of it spilled out onto poor, exhausted, I-am-in-pain Howard. He was very kind to me about it.

In theory this should have resolved my emotional conflicts. But as I was falling asleep my subconscious kept replaying the events from the first THUNK to the final driving away. This is apparently a very common phenomenon after a traumatic event, as the animal brain tries to figure out how to deal with the situation. The animal brain wants to rehearse and figure out how to survive, or how to not let it happen again. Persistence of this effect is Post Traumatic Shock Disorder and depending on the severity of the trauma can be crippling. In my case the “trauma” was very mild and so was the effect; all it did was make falling asleep difficult. It mostly seems gone this morning. I don’t think I’ll have a problem with it tonight, especially since I’ll take the kids to swim lessons and back this afternoon without hitting anything, thus proving to the animal brain that we CAN avoid doing it again.

Of course all four of my kids got to witness this whole series of events. All of them were very concerned at how upset I was afterward. Kiki offered me her allowance to help pay for the damage because according to her it is a family car and families should stick together. Patches kept coming up to me and giving me hugs and saying “You’re sad?” This morning Gleek very seriously told Howard “Mommy broke the car. Did she tell you that?” I did do some talking about proper post accident behavior, but mostly I guess the learning experience here is mine. I’m incredibly fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life.

Kiki was watching Star Wars: Attack of the Clones today. 10 is an impressionable age and so I took a quiet moment to talk to her about good relationships and bad relationships using Anakin and Padme as an example. During the course of the conversation I mentioned how Anakin made lots of bad choices which led him down the path to becoming Darth Vader. Kiki’s jaw dropped “You mean Anakin is Darth Vader!?” she gasped. She has yet to see Revenge of the Sith and apparently is unfamiliar with the dramas that unfold in Episodes 4-6 because not only did she not know Anakin was doomed to become Darth Vader, she also didn’t know that Darth Vader was Luke’s father.

Apparently I’ve been appallingly lax in my children’s Star Wars indoctrination.

Sometimes saving money isn’t worth the time and headache.

Three months ago I arranged the Tayler Corporation finances so that it could start running a payroll. The plan was to give Howard a paycheck so that we could take advantage of a tax break that would allow us to have our medical expenses tax free. It did seem to save us some money, but it tripled the amount of time it took for me to create each paycheck. Then the quarterly reports and payments came due. I couldn’t make the amounts in quickbooks match with the amounts on the automatic quarterly reports. After two days of hair tearing stress and frustrating phone calls I determined that I’d done 3 months worth of paychecks wrong and I had no idea how to do them right while still using the tax break. I then pondered tax time ahead and realized that I would have year-end reports to try to figure out as well. Also my accountant hadn’t really heard of this particular tax break and so he would have to learn how to deal with it too.

If there is one thing I hate, it is feeling like my accounts are tangled up. I hate living in fear that the IRS will descend upon me and tell me that I’ve been doing something illegal by accident. I am sure that this particular tax break can be done legally otherwise it would not be offered by NASE, but I have decided that it isn’t worth my time, stress, fear right now to try to figure it out. If the paychecks were larger the savings would probably be greater. Perhaps in another year or two when I can afford to pay a professional to do payroll I’ll try it again.

I re-did the paychecks removing the tax-free medical stuff and realized that I’m very happy to pay the government a little bit more in order to not have to deal with it. I suppose some would say that in doing this I’ve allowed the government to “win”. Maybe so, but right now all my accounts are in neat order. I know where all the money is and all the columns match up. And I can go do SOMETHING ELSE.

In my morning news browsing I came across this article:
http://www.cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/07/22/congress.daylighttime.ap/index.html

Apparently in an effort to save energy there are some lawmakers who are pushing to extend daylight savings time. I have a hard time expressing how much I hate this idea. I already hate dealing with daylight savings time. It is so hard to put kids to bed when the sun is still shining. I just don’t see why daylight savings time was instituted in the first place. What on earth does it gain for us? I have a hard time believing that it saves very much energy. And if it does I’d rather save it a different way. I have a hard time believing that daylight savings is biorythmically good for people.

This quotation from the article was particularly awful:

Could he possibly be more out of touch? Kids don’t want to trick-or-treat in daylight! They want it dark! He’ll just force hundreds of parents to allow their kids to stay up even further past bedtime so that the trick-or-treating can be after dark.

This is one of those issues that could fly through under the radar of most americans, but will significantly affect every individual in the country if it passes. I guess what makes me mad is this guy assuming that everyone is going to be overjoyed that he’s shifting their lives around.

EDIT Aug 8 2005: The measure passed. Grr. Also I’ve been reminded that I am extremely fortunate to live in a safe neighborhood where children can trick or treat after dark. In many many places dark means the end of trick or treat time because the streets simply aren’t safe. I’ll deal with it, but it won’t make me happy.

Bedtime is one of my most stressful times of day. I always start with a plan, but the plan always has to shift and change in response to kid’s actions and needs. Ideally each child has 15-20 minutes of one-on-one attention from me for stories and talking and snuggling. I want it to be a loving, joyful, happy time. I want my last words to each child each night to be “Goodnight honey. I love you!” Instead it is almost always “Go back to bed and Stay There!” I tried tonight. I really did. I was patient. I coaxed. I snuggled. and nothing I did would induce the kids to follow the script. Patches loved his turn, but didn’t want it to be over. All he wanted was for me to stay with him, but in order to get everyone else in bed I had to leave. Gleek didn’t get a turn tonight. By the time Patches let me go she was already asleep. Link’s turn was shared with/interrupted by Patches. Kiki didn’t really get a turn either, but she didn’t care since she has Harry Potter to read.

All of the above is normal. I don’t know why it has me so down tonight. Perhaps it is because I can see so clearly what my kids need and there isn’t enough of me to provide it all.

One really good thing. Kiki has been so much nicer and easier to deal with since her return from her cousin’s house. She had a chance to live in someone else’s family and learn to appreciate her own a little more. I’m sure the effect will wear off in time, but maybe I’ll never again hear “I wish I belonged to a different family!”

I just finished an inventory of things that I have stashed away for this coming Christmas. I’ve got approximately 75% of what I need and so far I’ve spent less than $35. This explains why garage sales haven’t been as fun lately. I’ve gotten lots more picky about what I buy since I’ve already got good stuff stashed away. It gets a little discouraging to go to three different sales and find nothing useful. But that fourth sale with an inexpensive treasure makes up for the other three. I’ve yet to stash anything away for Howard though. Most of the things he would enjoy having aren’t things I’m likely to find at garage sales. (A new computer, frisbee golf discs, itunes gift cards, movie tickets.) The good news is that one of the things that I have stashed away is a gift certificate at amazon.com. As we get nearer to the holdiay, I’ll probably use that.

Howard does not convalesce well. As soon as it is possible for him to move around he wants to be doing something. With this particular injury “doing something” is exactly what isn’t allowed. Howard is valiantly and druggedly trying to follow instructions even though the inactivity is nearly driving him crazy. He keeps wandering out the front door to go visit neighbors because he can’t stand to sit in the house convalescing. Visiting with neighbors is an approved activity because it doesn’t require shoulder or arm movement. And I’d much rather have him visiting than sitting and staring at the walls like a nursing home inmate. I tried to give him first dibs on the new Harry Potter book, but he wasn’t able to focus enough to enjoy reading.

This morning Howard has yet to take any narcotics. He wants to be lucid for his doctor’s appointment in 3 hours. This means he is back to his usual articulate humor. It makes me glad. I miss him when he’s not here. Unfortunately it also means he is in pain. Hopefully we’ll get some more definite information out of the doctor today.

This entry should get filed in the category of Things I’ve Discovered At Least A Dozen Times Before, But Somehow Always Forget. A full night’s sleep makes a world of difference in my effectiveness as a parent the next day. Last night I was up until 1 am. Lately that isn’t too uncommon because I haven’t been getting the kids into bed until 9:30 or 10 and I crave time when all the kids are asleep. I still have to get up by about 8 am though to fix breakfast for kids. This means I’m getting 7 hours or less of sleep per night when I really need 9. This morning Patches awoke at 6:30 which left me with only 5 hours of sleep. I made him some noodles and then plunked him in front of A Bug’s Life while I curled up on the couch next to him and slept. (Harry Potteresque dreams are really wierd when they have dialogue from A Bug’s Life in them.)

I woke groggily around 8 to discover that all the rest of the kids had joined the video party. This meant that the cries of “I’m Hungry!” weren’t too far behind. I began to haul myself out of slumber, but Howard heard me and managed to make clear to my groggy brain that he was already cooking breakfast and I could go on sleeping. I did. I next regained consciousness around 9:30 feeling rested and ready to face the day. I think those extra three hours of sleep were the nicest gift Howard could have given me. I’ve actually had energy today to pull out my sewing stuff and tackle projects that have been on hold for months. I made three pairs of shorts for Gleek, Hemmed a fourth pair, and I began sewing on a dress for myself. It was fun.

As secondary evidence for the importance of sleep, Gleek took a three hour nap today. She fell asleep in my lap around 2:30 and I put her to bed. The peace and quiet was so wonderful that I had no inclination to wake her until she woke by herself. This probably sets back her bedtime somewhat, but I’m okay with that because she has been so much pleasanter this evening. She and Patches have been playing happily together ever since she woke up. I haven’t had to break up a single fight. This is causing me to think about Gleek’s schedule and realize that she has probably been an hour or more short on sleep every day all summer long. She needs 11 hours and she’s typically getting 9. This could explain alot of why she’s seemed out of control. Unfortunately I don’t know that I can enforce a naptime effectively. Gleek goes to sleep best in a room that is dark. That way she can’t see things to distract herself and keep herself awake. Unfortunately it doesn’t get dark until 9:30 pm and it gets light at 6 am. I’ll have to think more to find a solution. Summer’s long days are not my friend in this instance.

I wonder if all of us aren’t a little short on sleep. More things to consider.