Mommy Challenge Failed
Most of the day was pretty good. The 90 minutes between 4:30 and 6 pm were not. I spent most of the time furious for no good reason. My kids were no worse than they usually behave. But for some reason every single thing they did recieved a high volume scolding from me. The knowledge that I was behaving poorly fed into the behavior in a horrific negative feedback loop. When I feel like that I want my kids to cower in fear and do exactly as I say. They don’t, because they are fairly confident and secure individuals. Unfortunately their failure to cower only makes me get madder. Anger is not rational. Anger definitely doesn’t want to be fair or reasonable. Anger was definitely in control this evening.
I finally reached a point where the fury could not hold any longer and I found myself in tears appologizing to Howard for being mean to his kids. Like any good husband, Howard patted my back and told me it was all okay. What really broke me up though was when Patches came into the room, climbed into my lap, and gave me a long long snuggly hug. I’d made him dissolve into tears on the kitchen floor only minutes before and there he was loving me, reassuring me, and seeking reassurance from me. I held him and appologized to him and talked to him. How can he still like me and need me on days like this?
It would be nice if I could say that Patches hug turned everything around. The rest of the evening has been better, but I’m definitely still a grouchy mom instead of an empathetic and kind mom. Hopefully I can get them all into bed soon so that tomorrow can be a better day.