Yesterday afternoon, just after welcoming my neighbor’s toddler to be babysat for 2 hours, I had the alarming realization that what I thought was mild indigestion was actually something much worse. I was curl-up-on-the-couch sick. Howard had gone out to spend the afternoon at The Keep. I called him there. I wanted him to come home, but I also knew that he was getting work done and work being done is pretty important to our family. Howard’s husbandly senses were in good working order because he quickly determined that he was needed at home even though I tried not to outright say “Come home please.” I’m going to blame my illness for the unnecessary twistiness of that conversation.
Howard came home and sent me to bed. Usually I have a hard time turning off my Mommy Radar if I’m anywhere in the vicinity of my children. I was sick enough that it shut down of it’s own accord. In my lucid moments over the next few hours I listened to Howard manage upsets, fix dinner, hand the borrowed toddler back to his mom, and generally manage the children with no crises whatsoever. At bedtime he only needed minor instructions from me and handled all the rest of it himself. It all made me so happy that I wanted to cry. I was so happy because I was able to curl into a ball and ignore the world for 18 hours and know that my kids were still being well cared for. 14 months ago he could not have done it. Since he’s been working at home, Howard has learned the routines that I run and the kids have come to accept him as a caretaker. The fact that I could listen to minor conflicts without feeling like I needed to jump out of bed and mediate shows how I’ve come to trust him in that role.
But even more than that, what made me happy enough to cry was that the moment I really needed him Howard dropped everything and helped me. He’s done it before and I know he’ll do it again. I spend my days muddling along trying to keep everything running, but I know that when things fall apart Howard is there for me. It is a priceless gift that I can only repay by trying to be there for him in the same way.
You two make a pretty good example of that “old-fashioned” idea of partnership. Why don’t more couples practice this? It’s sad.
It’s pretty cool that you both are pretty vocal about appreciating and respecting each other’s efforts, too, btw.
In many ways Howard and I are very traditional. His primary job is to bring in the money, my primary job is to manage home and children. I had a very painful arguement with a good friend about my “oppression” under this relationship. The key reason I’m not oppressed is that I’m free to choose. I could go out and get a job, persue a career. If that was what I really wanted to do and felt was best for our family, then Howard would support me 100%. I dwell in traditional “non-liberated” roles because I choose to and because it is really what works best for our family.
The traditional roles became tradition because more often than not, they work.
“Since he’s been working at home, Howard has learned the routines that I run and the kids have come to accept him as a caretaker.”
So, no more chocolate cake for breakfast, eh? Darn, good parenting! Darn it!
I keep trying…
I keep trying to post somehow to let you know about this thought that I have just about every time I read your posts. For some reason I just can’t ever manage to write it without seeming worshipful, or crazy or somehow unbalanced. So let me try once more, and please keep in mind that I’m not holding you and your family to some unattainable standard, nor seeing you as something you’re not, and I hope you won’t phone for a restraining order.
From what I’ve seen/read/heard/etc., you have a great family. No one is perfect, but for an LDS family looking for a template to model their family life after, one could do a lot worse than to look at the Taylers.
It’s odd, but your husband’s family has had a lot to do with my family’s life, and it’s almost all been through digital contact. My wife and I met on Randy’s website; I pick up recipes and activities from yours and Howard’s blogs/open letters; my wife and I really want to find a way for her to be the full-time mom and support that you are for your family; when I’m pondering my thoughts about the church and/or events in the world at large, often Howard winds up posting something that lays out exactly what I’ve been trying to come up with myself; and often when I read yours or Howard’s writing, I am reminded of or given an idea about how to handle situations my family is facing.
The Taylers are a family that, had we lived closer to one another, I would love to split a pew with on Sunday.
I’ve run on long enough. I guess I could simply have said “thanks for being you, and I appreciate the example.” But then, I’d have had to go back to work sooner. 😉
Re: I keep trying…
Thank you for taking the effort to put your thoughts into words. It matters greatly to me that my blog and Howard’s are in some way helpful to others. I sometimes wonder why I’m hanging so much of our family life out in public for anyone to read. Comments like yours help me realize why it is a good thing to do. I’m glad that my family can be a help to yours.
In the spirit of helpfulness I’d like to suggest a book, the Tightwad Gazette (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/067974388X/qid=1135890598/sr=8-2/ref=pd_bbs_2/002-8332539-9625652?n=507846&s=books&v=glance)
It may be of use to you in trying to reach your goal of having your wife be a full-time mom. Someone recommended it to me when Howard first quit Novell and it has been very influential in how I approach managing our finances. Not all of the specific ideas in it were useful, but the “make it do” attitude is very inspiring. I recieved the “complete Tightwad Gazette” for christmas (three books in one) and reading it has rekindled my dwindling enthusiasm for frugal living.
Re: I keep trying…
Cool. I followed the link to Amazon, but since I have a gift card for Barnes and Noble (and they’re having a huge post-holiday sale), I think I’ll try to get it there first.
As for putting my thoughts into words, well, that’s never really an effort. The effort is trying to edit the words so they form something semi-coherent. 😉
Thanks again.
You just won the prize for the luckiest woman I know… I would give almost anything for someone who could or would help me like that. I have some really good friends who would do what they could… but it’s not the same.