Month: January 2006

Unpacking

By / January 6, 2006 / 10 Comments

I have a personal theory about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I believe the brain replays traumatic/adrenaline surged events in order to learn how not to do that again, whatever that may be. The fastest way for a person to end this kind of playback is to examine “that” and plan alternate courses of action to prevent it. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when a person feels powerless to affect the cause of the trauma. The playback is endless because no matter how many times the event is played back no pathway is found to prevent it from ever happening again. “Playback” may be as vivid as a full sensory flashback, or as mild as a feeling of fear or depression when similar circumstances are encountered. By this point in my post I’ve probably played merry hell with proper psychological terminology, I don’t much care. I’m trying to explain to myself what has been happening in my head for the past 7 years.

Seven years ago I underwent 7 weeks of radiation therapy to eradicate a tumor under my chin. It was a miserable experience. The tumor had been surgically removed, regrown, and removed again. It looked like the only way to prevent a cyclical repeat of regrowth and surgery was to radiate it until it was dead and I wasn’t. The therapy began at the end of January 1999 and ended in the middle of March. My mom had to come at stay with us for the last three weeks because I couldn’t keep things together. As soon as the therapy was over I shut the door on that part of my life. I was so desperate to be done with it and never go there again that I didn’t even want to think about it. I believe the proper psychological term for that is denial or maybe avoidance.

In the past 7 years I’ve always thought of radiation as something that was over. I’m done with that, so I don’t need to think about it. Only I’m not done with it. The experience was long enough and unpleasant enough that it set up a whole raft of associations in my brain that affect my moods and thinking. Howard tells me that every January/February he observes a noticable downtick in my moods. As soon as the holidays are over I start longing for spring because in 1999 spring coincided with the end of radiation therapy. I love crocus because they are a sign that the Bad Time is over. Last year I didn’t have a “downtick” during the winter. I remember thinking about it and feeling like I’d finally put behind me the last lingering emotional effects of the radiation therapy. I was wrong, this year all the associations are back with a vengence. Apparently I can’t just “put it behind me,” I need to face it and examine it. Not really something I want to do.

So I guess it is time for me to end the avoidance or denial or whatever you want to call it. I need to do some writing to take a clear look at what I went through and how I feel about it, because I packed the experience away so quickly I’m sure there are unresolved threads there. It’s been packed away for so many years that the memories are sure to be moth eaten and wrinkly, so anybody who was around me back then is welcome to add input or corrections as they see fit. This process will probably take several entries, I’ll try to put them behind cuts so that if anyone else wants to avoid this plunge into my worst winter, they can. To be honest I have very mixed feelings about putting this in livejournal at all. Part of me is afraid that it’ll look like I’m asking for pity or sympathy. This is the same part that is always reluctant to ask for help even when it is obviously needed. Also this is a very personal delving into my psyche and a life-altering experience, do I really want that hanging out in a public place? On the other hand I would love it if my experiences could be of some help to someone else. It would be nice to be able to feel like there was a point to this miserable experience. Also I’ll be able to sort my brain better if other people are around to comment and help me make connections that I’m missing. And there is also that whole avoidance thing. I’ve begun a couple of times to write about radiation, but without someone else involved I get about a half page done and quit. Livejournal is more like telling other people than like talking to myself.

So I’m going to take a middle approach. Everyone on my friend’s list will be able to read these entries because I already trust all of you to be kind and considerate. If any of you know someone who might be helped by anything I share, feel free to pass it on, or put them in touch with me, but do not post it in a public place. I may in the future decide to make all of this public information, but I’m not ready to do that yet. If you have thoughts for or against making this public, I’d be interested in hearing them, but I don’t promise to follow your advice. There will be more than one entry on this as I refine my thinking and sort my thoughts. I’m not sure how many entries this will come to, hopefully not too many. I don’t want anyone to get bored and I’d like to sort quickly. Of course that desire to “sort quickly” is a reflection of my desire to be done with it. Sigh. I definitely need to unpack this box.

January impending

By / January 4, 2006 / 3 Comments

Today was much better. I always forget that the first day of a new schedule is always exhausting and draining for me. I have to think and rethink every step of the day to make sure I get it right. By the second day I’ve internalized some of the steps and things are much smoother. I’m still tired, but this evening isn’t bleak the way that last night was.

January and February are the long dark teatime of the year. The space of time between Christmas and the first crocus blooming always seems to be a long slog. I don’t mind winter if it snows, but cold/gray/wet gets me down after awhile. Around here the first crocus blooms sometime in the second half of February. Having crocus bloom doesn’t make the weather any warmer, but it is a promise of good things to come. I love crocus. It is a sign of the end of dark times.

Of course right now it is the beginning of January and the long slog is still ahead of me. That is part of what had me stressed/depressed last night. It was bad enough managing conflict filled homework times in October/November/December, I couldn’t see how I’d manage it in January/February. The good news is that after the Christmas break kids seem to settle into their school routines. Everyone knows what to expect and they’re more content. I’m really really hoping for that. I saw a glimpse of it tonight.

This afternoon I caught myself looking out my back window and examining trees for signs of budding. More evidence that my longing for spring begins as soon as New Years is over. I never used to feel this way about winter until I had a very unpleasant one 7 years ago. Anniversaries matter even if we don’t consciously remember them. That one winter was sufficiently unpleasant that it has rippled negative associations through all the years that followed. Some winters are harder than others. I confess to anxiety about this one for the reasons I’ve already mentioned.

Foreshadowing is a fine literary technique. It doesn’t work as well in real life. Right now my brain is trying to foreshadow. It is throwing shadows foreward into the month ahead when perhaps no shadows need to be there at all. I can’t really hope for warm, so instead I’m going to hope for snow. Lots and lots of bright snow to enliven the winter days.

By / January 3, 2006 / 6 Comments

At 1 pm I was having a really good day. Not much since then is cause for joy. There was crankiness, overtiredness, tantrums, yelling, tears, and all that’s just from me. I am tired and burdened with vivid memories of how I failed my children today. They needed me to be more, better, different. I tried, I really did. I worked hard right up until I snapped, then I’d calm down and try again. Repeat cycle.

I need to find my happy thoughts. I’ve forgotten how to fly.

Perspectives

By / January 3, 2006

This morning I was so glad to send my kids back to school. After two weeks of vacation where we were all trapped indoors by rain, I was ready for them to go.

Now it is afternoon and they’re back home. Homework time is looming near and I’m suddenly remembering why only two weeks ago I was eagerly anticipating a break from school.

This has been a very rough school year so far. I’m hoping the second half gets easier than the first was.

Because you need to know.

By / January 2, 2006 / 1 Comment

Homemade yogurt is much yummier than store yogurt. (I googled for a recipe) As an added bonus, it is also cheaper. Blend up drained canned peaches and add them to the yogurt for creamy bliss.

New Year plans

By / January 2, 2006 / 2 Comments

It’s a new year and I’m newly inspired to do housekeeping and penny saving. Sometimes a small behavioral shift can save significant amounts of money over the course of a year. I just did my year end accounting and got to look at all the numbers for 2005. Some of them I’m proud of ($312 to clothe a family of six all year), some I’m not (did we really spend $11,000 on our vehicles?! Yipe!). I look at the numbers, take a big breath, and move on. At least now I know a little better where to focus my efforts to bring our expenses down. And they must come down if I want to make ends meet through the end of the year.

So, I’ve been cleaning house. How does cleaning save me money? If things are organized around here, then I know what my resources are and I can lay my hands on them quickly when I need them. I need to have working systems for laundry, food inventory, kitchen cleaning, and meal preparation. Fortunately I’ve already got each of these about half done, I just need to clean up the spaces and implement the other half. I’ve been practicing on it this weekend and feeling incredibly domestic. If I succeed in these goals I will have turned into a Domestic Goddess who cooks three healthy meals a day, keeps her kitchen spotless, always has her line-dried laundry done, and tracks her food storage religiously. “Domestic Goddess” is not something I ever really wanted to be. It has a negative connotation to it because it seems somehow “holier than thou.” On the other hand, being that person allows our family to run smoothly on a small income, so like it or not, Domestic Goddess here I come. I hope.