Day: April 3, 2006

We’ve recieved the press match copy of Schlock Book 1. It is beautiful! You should all go buy one now.

http://www.schlockmercenary.com/preorder/

The following realization came in response to my sister’s comment on a previous post. The realization is important enough that I want it to have it’s own entry rather than being lost in the comments:

Your comment helped me realize why I’m so upset over my management of Gleek’s illness. I have parented for almost 11 years. I know my kids and I know childhood illnesses. I’ve been Doctor Mom for chickenpox, ear infections, strep throat, colds, stomach flu, roseola, hand foot & mouth disease, fifth disease, and assorted viruses. These days when I take my kids to the doctor, it is because I know exactly what is wrong. I just need the doctor to confirm my diagnosis and give me a prescription for antibiotics.

Gleek’s illness was new. I’ve never had a child with a bladder infection or kidney infection before. I failed to diagnose it in advance. I feel like I should have been able to do so because I’ve had multiple bladder infections and a kidney infection myself. But she wasn’t exhibiting the classic symptoms. This illness fooled me and several doctors as well. I need to stop punishing myself for not being smarter than the doctors.

This past weekend was pretty stressful. I didn’t realize exactly how stressful until last night after I put the kids into bed. With no kids needing me to be strong I wandered into Howard’s office where, two minutes into an unrelated conversation, I burst into tears. Once the storm was over I was able to realize that all during the medical crisis I’d bottled up my emotions. I put them away so that I could manage things. It should not surprise me that when I pulled the cork out emotions went fizzing all over the room. Howard held me and told me it was all okay and that I’d done a fantastic job. In times of crisis it is important that I be able to shove emotion out of the way. It is equally important that I deal with the emotions later.

I’m still sorting through my feelings and thoughts this morning. This medical adventure will probably cost us 2 months worth of living expenses because we carry a pretty high deductible on our insurance. This would have thrown me into a financial panic two months ago. But Howards press match book arrived this morning, we’ll be opening pre-orders sometime today or first thing tomorrow. The sale of the book will change our financial future. The loss of two months expenses doesn’t much affect the fact that the future of Howard’s cartooning depends on the sale of the book. However the sudden medical expenses do force me to take a close look at the tightrope we’re walking. Our savings net is nowhere near big enough. Right now I really want to book to sell well so that I can stash money and build a bigger net. Today life feels a bit more precarious in more ways than one.

I’m not the only one who feels like life is more precarious than it was two days ago. Patches also had a delayed reaction last night. From his perspective mommy just disappeared for 36 hours. I don’t even think I told him goodbye when I departed to take Gleek to the doctor. Then daddy left too and he was left with Chalain and Chaliren. This was followed by an overnight stay at his cousin’s house. At the time these things were happening he was happy to have the adventure. He told me he had fun and wasn’t sad at all. However, when we came to pick him up from his cousin’s house he did not run away and beg to stay. He came right to me and hugged me tight.

At home things reverted to normal. Patches played happily with his siblings all afternoon. He even went to bed without arguement. But alone in his bed in the dark the new found insecurities preyed upon him and he began to cry. Like me, his cork came loose. Fortunately I was just done venting when he began. I scooped him out of bed and asked him what was wrong. He couldn’t tell me. He didn’t have words for what he was feeling, but he clung tight to me. At Howard’s sugguestion I tucked Patches into bed with me. This made him happy. He lay next to me in the bed and chattered about his day while he played with a glow in the dark star. I have to confess that I kept drifting off to sleep. I was so exhausted.

After awhile it wasn’t enough for Patches to just be in bed with mommy, he needed me to hold him too. So I tucked him into the snuggle spot and he lay there snuggly-safe and continued to play and talk. Patches only snuggles when he needs comforting. When he is playing he wants his own space. I talked to him a little to see if I could help him work through what he was feeling. Unfortunately he’s not really old enough to analyse his thoughts and feelings. I could only watch his reactions to my conversational sallies to find out where the sad spots were. As I suspected, he loved having Chalain and Chaliren over, he loved having a slumber party with his cousin, most of what happened was new and interesting for him. But when I said “was mommy gone?” his face crumpled a little and a pout began to emerge, then he grabbed his blanket hugged it and changed the subject. I didn’t persue the topic. I wanted this to be a snuggly-reassurance time not a delving difficult emotions time. Patches continued to talk and play for awhile and I began drifting off to sleep again. Finally he began to feel sleepy and he scooted out of the snuggle and over onto his daddy’s pillow to fall asleep.

I don’t know if I’ll continue to see delayed reactions from Patches. Probably, because he now lives in a world where it is possible for mommy to disapear without warning. I’ll have to be extra careful and nice to both Patches and Gleek today. Hopefully if there are other repressed emotions or delayed reactions I’ll recognize them for what they are.