Day: July 18, 2006

The following is a collection of thoughts on communication. I was trying to sort out some interactions that I’d seen between other people. I’m curious to see if my collected thoughts make sense to anyone else or if I have some faulty premises. All statements and opinions are subject to change upon reciept of further information.

Every communication that we make with another person has a text and a subtext. The text is comprised of the words that are spoken and is in the control of the speaker. The subtext is created by the listener who is affected by body language, tone of voice, and past interactions. Text is where information is passed. Subtext is where relationships are formed and broken.

An example text with possible subtexts:

“Why would you want to do that?”
(Because you always make stupid decisions) created by a son who’s mother has been critical in the past.
(I think what you are doing is stupid.) created by a wife who secretly wonders if she is making the right choice.
(Because I’m curious about you and I want to understand) created by a friend who trusts the speaker.

A relationship will thrive when the subtexts are positive. A relationship is doomed when all of the subtexts are negative. If there is a mix, then the relationship will fluxuate depending upon the balance of negative subtexts to positive.

One solution to a problem with negative subtexting is to get those subtexts out into the open, turn them into texts where they can actually be discussed. That takes a lot of bravery and trust.

Unfortunately I cannot always take the time to turn subtexts into texts. Sometimes the relationship isn’t worth the effort. I don’t care if a grocery store clerk snips because she created a subtext I didn’t intend. Other times I would very much like to turn subtexts into texts, but the other person will not cooperate and merely creates new negative subtexts based on the attempts. In those cases all I can do is try to control my behaviors and the subtexts I create in response to the other person’s texts. Eventually, hopefully, the positive reactions from me will encourage the other person to create more positive subtexts for the things I say.

I can choose what kind of subtexting I want to attach to the statements of other people. Benefit of the doubt is a good thing to give.

This morning Gleek fixed her own cinnamonsugar toast. She was very proud of this accomplishment and announced it in a loud voice. Patches instantly cried “I want toast! I want to fix my toast!” and ran for the bread cupboard. He retrieved a slice of bread and placed it on the counter. I slid a plate underneath and then observed with amusment as he created a sculpted landscape out of soft butter. He then placed a cinnamonsugar mountain in the middle of his landscape and announced “I did it!” He then ate his creation with relish.

I’m hoping that I can take a page from Patches book and create something that I’m pleased with, that I can consume with relish. Only I don’t want toast, I just want a really good day. Yesterday was not such a good day.