Month: July 2006

7:05 pm. What a long miserable day this has been.

Patches cannot eat because his mouth and throat hurt too badly. I took him to the doctor this morning. The doctor took one look at his throat, didn’t bother to do a strep test and gave me antibiotics. Unfortunately after 12 hours the antibiotics have had zero effect and Patches has developed blister like sores in his mouth. Some asking around netted me the information that Utah is currently suffering an outbreak of Hand Foot and Mouth disease. HFM is a virus which can’t be treated, it can only be endured, and it lasts for about a week. This is going to be a long long miserable week. Patches is starvingly hungry and can’t eat. He doesn’t even want to drink because his mouth hurts. So we have hunger cranky along with pain cranky. Talking hurts, so he can’t tell me what he wants. On top of all that every time he falls asleep he swallows and the pain wakes him back up. So we have tired cranky as well.

Patches hates this. He is very angry with me because I have failed to fix it already. He also desparately wants me to comfort him. He feels the same way about his blanket which he alternately clutches and throws across the room. Advil and Tylenol seem to only be of minimal help. Distraction seems to be the best medecine available to us, so it has been a day of movies.

To add to the joy of today, all the minutes I’ve spent not taking care of Patches have been spent down in my office wading through piles of bills, reciepts, and quarterly reports. We’ve gone back to more money going out than coming in. I knew we would until the release of the next book, but I still don’t like it.

Now I need to completely sanitize myself and make dinner for all the other kids without playing the part of Typhoid Mary. If other kids get this monster I’ll spend the rest of the summer in misery.

Another gift of last weekend’s family reunion were some insights into my children their personalities and behaviors.

Kiki left the reunion early to attend a 5 day educational camp, so I didn’t expect to learn about her. However watching the two female cousins who bracket her in age and how those cousins interacted with their mothers taught me a lot about typical pre-teen behaviors. It was so nice to see my 12 year old niece whining at her mother over hairbrushing, because I’ve had the exact same arguement with Kiki more than once. In particular I noticed a tendency for these pre-teen girls to try to make anything that doesn’t go exactly right into the mother’s fault. So when today Kiki tried to tell me that it was my fault that she still struggles with typing because I should have made her learn it two years ago, I was able to identify it as normal pre-teen behavior and keep my cool. Kiki didn’t much like my counter argument that I was forcing her to do it now so that in two years we won’t be having this same conversation. She may not like it, but she will be practicing typing this summer. And I will be keeping my cool because I’ll be able to recognize pre-teen behaviors instead of being baffled by the changes in my daughter.

My insight into Link came in one of the moments I was ducking responsibility. Other adults were in the kitchen busily chopping food for a dutch oven cookout, I wandered out back to where Link was jumping on the trampoline. I watched him for a moment, thought about my resolution to swim through life rather than just wading, then I climbed on the trampoline to jump with him. Link was delighted. We spent some time jumping and then we just sat together on the trampoline. Link grinned at me and snuggled into my lap. I asked what he was enjoying about the reunion and my boy of the monosyllabic replies began to babble to me about all the things he’d enjoyed. Among other things he told about making his box car for the derby using spraypaint. He informed me that it wasn’t a car at all, it was a tank. The paper plates that I’d assumed were poorly placed wheels, were in fact armor. The single cup on the front was not a cyclops headlight, but a cannon. None of this information had been told to anyone before, not even when Link was asked on camera to describe his car before the races began. I think the sum total of his on-camera description was “This is my car. I made it.” Link’s head is full of amazing thoughts and ideas, but he needs a quiet space and a calm moment for those thoughts to shape themselves into words. I need to create more quiet moments to talk to him.

Gleek is a strong willed person. I’ve known this ever since she was first able to run away from me. Lately this has manifested in refusing to obey instructions until I’ve repeated them mutiple times, repeated them angrily multiple times, and finally begin moving to bodily apply consequences and require compliance. I had a conversation with several siblings about the pattern which resulted in me deciding that I need to skip some of those steps. I need to request once or twice then move directly to applying consequences. Gleek loves the trampoline at my brother’s house. She never wants to get off of it. With 11 kids around, turn taking was a must, but Gleek steadfastly refused to exit the trampoline. I was inside the house and someone came to appeal to me to make Gleek behave. I figured she’d already been asked nicely, so I didn’t say anything at all. I was going to simply climb onto the trampoline and remove her to the house where we would discuss being obedient to house rules. Unfortunately I tripped climbing on the trampoline and ended up with one leg down through the springs. I persevered though and as soon as the pain lessened enough to let me know I was only bruised not broken, I grabbed a wide-eyed appologetic Gleek and carried her into the house. This event made a distinct impression on Gleek. Thereafter I only had to walk towards her looking intent and she would hop right off that trampoline. She wouldn’t do it for anyone else though, just me, although threats of fetching me did seem to have some effect. With Gleek limits need to simply be limits, not starting points for negotiation.

During the course of the reunion I realized that Patches does not like crowds. He was fine the first couple of days, but by the third day he’d reached a sort of overload. He wanted a quiet place to play by himself and there were simply none available. Unfortunately I didn’t recognize the extra crankiness and clinginess for what they were until we had a complete breakdown. The tantrum began at a picnic dinner, continued through the ride home, paused when he fell asleep on a couch, then started up again after 20 minutes of sleep. Patches was very very angry with me. When he woke crying, I went to see what was wrong, and the first thing he did was try to hit me. This is completely atypical behavior for easy going Patches. Fortunately he wound down enough that a judicious application of ice cream resolved the tantrum. I was very careful for the rest of the reunion to make sure that Patches got quiet time when he needed it. I watched and he definitely avoided the crowds whenever possible. When he couldn’t avoid the crowds he was much crankier than usual. This is an important personality trait for me to understand about him and I’m glad to know it.

One of the big events of the reunion was a boxcar derby. Each of the kids selected a box and was turned loose with spray paint, regular paint, duct tape, paper plates, and any other materials they could cage from their aunt & uncle. They were to each make a car with a hole cut for legs to go through so they could run while wearing the car. All of the grandchildren adopted this project delightedly. They painted and created with fervor. Patches carefully painted his entire box bright blue and I helped him duct tape on some paper plate wheels. Gleek began painting her box orange, but got tired of merely painting before the job was done. She made multiple scratch off shapes, but none of them actually adorned the car. We put paper plates on for wheels, but before the event she requested that they be removed so that she could have a flying car. Link created his own car using green spray paint. The paper plate wheels were taped to the middle of the sides with an additonal wheel on the back for no apparent reason. On the front he had a single plastic cup as some sort of cyclops headlight. Boycousin1 went minimalist with just painting his box black. Girlcousin1 ended up with a car labelled “Supper” because she misspelled “super.” Girlcousin2 achieved a swirl of colors that would have been right at home in the 60’s. Boycousin2 carefully constructed a battle car. Boycousin3 created wings for his car. My brother the engineer actually stayed up until 1 am creating a multibox tow truck complete with towing hook in the back. So creativity was rampant and everyone was paint speckled and pleased.

Then came the racing. The cars raced around the track three times and had to make a pit stop each time. The first pit stop was to put on and take off a pair of socks. The second was to get faces sprayed and wiped. The third was to drink two cups full of water. All the kids ran delightedly although the race of little ones kind of petered out rather than actually finishing. Even the infant Girlcousin4 attached a car to her stroller and raced. We had a cameraman’s race where all the dads and uncles had to run. Keeping in mind my decision to swim rather than wade, I joined one race. During the race I alternated between carrying Patches-in-a-car and Gleek-in-a-car. The extra pounds and inches that Gleek has really made a difference there.

In the end everyone got a candy prize and all the kids were parked in their cars for a drive-in movie while we ordered pizza. Fun was had by all.

My brother has a four bedroom house. Last weekend that house contained 11 adults and 11 children. The four married couples each got a bedroom while my two bachelor brothers got couches, my sister-in-law’s brother slept in the storage room, and the kids all slept out back in a trailer. It was pretty packed. This kind of crunch isn’t unusual for my family. We keep saying that we need to rent cabins or something, but not actually doing it. In years past my main focus during reunions has been managment of my kids. I had to make sure that little ones got necessary naps and other sundry mothering tasks. Shortly after my arrival I realized that for the first time in 5 years my kids weren’t the youngest around. Not having to fend for an infant or toddler freed me up enormously. I switched myself into a ‘facilitator’ mode and quietly tried to do all I could to make the reunion go smoothly. I folded laundry, washed dishes, wiped tables, prepared some meals, and hauled stuff to and from vehicles. It sounds like I spent the whole weekend working, but there were also times where I lazed around because other people had those tasks well in hand.

Sunday night Howard and Kiki departed so that he could drive her to a camp the next day. Later that night one of my sisters was due to arrive with her husband and toddler. I realized that they had more need of the bedroom than I did, and so I cheerfully vacated and went to sleep out in the trailer with the kids. For 5 years I’ve been the one who had special consideration because my kids were youngest and because I often attended these events sans Howard. (He was too busy with Novell travel.) This year I got to give special consideration to someone else because they needed it and I didn’t. It felt so good to be in a position to give.

Church starts at 11 am. It has started at that time since January 1st. And yet for the last couple of days I’ve been confused into believing that Church starts at 9 am. I don’t know how it happened. But I repeatedly informed my visiting parents that church began at 9. This morning I set my alarm and got up at 7:30 so I could make breakfast and get everyone ready for church on time. I did that despite having insomnia that kept me awake until 1:30 am. I hauled everyone out of bed, fed them breakfast, and hustled to get them all ready for church. At 8:50 I had everyone, including my parents ready to head out the door. I went looking for Howard and found him wearing jeans, completely unready for church. That’s when it all unravelled.

Church starts at 11.

I just wish I’d realized it before I got up too early this morning.

I’m going to nap now.

The original plan for the reservoir involved a motorboat. The motorboat never put in an appearance. It belonged to the brother of my brother’s neighbor. With a communication chain that long, no wonder there were miscommunications somewhere. My kids never noticed the absense of the motorboat. They’ve never been in a motorboat before and so they happily assumed that floating around in inflatible rafts was what we meant when we said “boating.”

Even without the motorboat it was a good day. All 13 kids found multitudes of ways to entertain themselves. Patches was leery of going out in a boat, but once he did it he didn’t want to stop. Then he happily helped my engineer brother create an elaborate sand castle. After that he drove rocks through the sand making roads and “vroooom!” noises.

Gleek loved the swimming and splashing, but then she got cold so she adjourned to the warm dry sand. At one point Gleek was creating little zen rock gardens with pebbles and hand brushed sand. I don’t think she’s ever seen such a rock garden before, she just liked the patterns. She also helped with a large sand castle creation that the girl cousins were making. It was a structure much devoted to be-pebbled decorations.

Link splashed and played with his same age cousins. One of those cousins seemed to feel it a personal mission to transport all the beach sand back into the water. He’d get sopping wet. Then he’d roll around in the sand until he was completely coated. Once coated, he would dash for the water, usually shedding sand across the adults as he went past. Then he would rinse and repeat. Link didn’t like rolling in the sand, but he did get his legs dirty and rinse them multiple times. He helped build the engineer’s sand castle and put some effort into the pebble decorated girly castle as well.

Kiki loved the boats. She spent most of the day out in them either with a cousin or by herself. By the end of the day she’d shanghaied my brother into functioning as a motor for the boat. The whole group of kids had an elaborate game where my brother pushed the boat and all the kids were hitchhikers who tried to pile on while the boat was in motion. That game continued even when we loaded my van full of little kids and sent me back to the house for the first round of showers-and-pajamas. Apparently my sister-in-law had to rev her engine and threaten to drive away to get my brother and the older kids out of the water. Apparently 5 hours just wasn’t enough water fun for them all.

My kids love to swim. They love every single splashing minute of being at the pool. I do not like swimming. I used to like it, but for the last decade I’ve not enjoyed it much. That is because for the past decade I haven’t been swimming, I’ve been lifeguarding. Swimming is about being immersed in the water and splashing and getting completely wet. Lifeguarding is about sitting on the edge and wearing my glasses so I can make sure that no one drowns. Taking my kids swimming means packing up loads of stuff, carrying all the stuff to the pool, lifeguarding four kids for a boring hour or more, arguing about getting out of the pool, then schlepping all the kids and stuff back home. No wonder I’m less than enthused about swimming.

A complete lack of enthusiasm is what I felt when I first heard about a proposed swim/boating day at a reservoir as part of our family reunion. Watching kids is much easier in the safe confines of a home. However I knew that the experience would be a new one for the kids and that they’d enjoy it, so I was reconciled to going.

I’m not sure when my mental shift began. It might have been on the drive to the reservoir. It might have been when we had to completely repack 13 kids, 10 adults, and assorted picnic gear into vans because we’d unloaded on the wrong side of the reservoir. But somehow an oft repeated phrase from Life is a Road, the Soul is a Motorcycle floated across my consciousness: The journey, not the destination is important. I was having a day at the reservoir with my kids. I could spend the day frustrated because things were not going as planned or because I wanted to be somewhere else, or I could embrace the reservoir experience. Packing up to move to the other side was just part of the experience, I decided to accept it and not be frustrated.

That decision is one of the best that I’ve made in a long time. After 10 years, I finally climbed off of the lifeguard chair and got down into the water. There were enough adults and kids around that I didn’t have to be 100% vigilant every single minute to make sure that my little ones didn’t drown. I got down in the sand and relished the dirty. I took Patches for a ride on one of the inflatable boats. I helped Gleek splash in the deep water. Best of all, I took off my glasses, left my kids under the watchful eye of my mom, and swam out to the edge of the swimming area.

At the far end of the swimming area the sounds of children were distant. I treaded water and wished I could swim out even further, but that was the boating area, not safe for a swimmer. I never realized how relaxing reservoir swimming could be. I’ve been prejudiced by a squeamishness gained during my teen years. Reserviors have fish and bugs and green mosses in the water. In fact the water is entirely green. In movies murky green water is filled with peril. In reality far more water is green than blue. Out in the deep water I treaded to stay afloat. When my arms and legs got tired, I switched to a backfloat and entered a whole new universe. Water seeped into my ears muffling the sounds of people into nonexistence. The only sound that remained was the sound of my own breathing. Bubbles of air floated from my hair and tickled past my neck to the surface of the water. I closed my eyes and felt the sun warming my front while wafts of warm and cold water brushed past my body. I floated there in a world apart, savoring each sensation. It was a beautiful moment of serenity. It ended abruptly when a dragonfly decided to land on my nose, startling me upright again. I stayed out in the deep water for about 20 minutes alternately treading, swimming, and floating. Each time I floated I recaptured that universe-apart feeling. More than once the dragonfly came back to visit.

After I came back to shore and began lifeguarding again I pondered what it was that made those moments in the water so special. Being away from sight and sound of the kids was part of it, but even more was the total focus on the present rather than past or future. I was taking time to fully experience a moment. I found that I could do it on the shore with the kids once I had the trick of it. I could sit and feel the grit of the sand, the whisper of the breeze, really see as Patches drove small rocks through the wet sand making roads for his imaginary cars. It was a truly wonderful day because I really took the time to enjoy the day for what it was rather than wishing for it to be something else.

Life is precious. I need to spend more of it swimming and less waiting for something else to come along.

I didn’t get to drop Kiki off for her weeklong camp because I was in the wrong state. I would have liked to do it, but apparently it was a really good father/daughter bonding experience. Howard wrote about it, but I’m putting it here too:

Seeing Her Off To Camp

My oldest daughter and I came back from the family reunion last night so that I could see her off to camp this morning. Kiki and I got
checked in, got her luggage thrown into the truck, and then stood around with the other families waiting for the “all aboard” call for
the buses.

Kiki wasn’t hanging out with her friends. She was staying kind of close to me. Why? well, mostly I think it’s because she didn’t recognize anybody. All these people were new.

I tried to nudge her in the direction of other girls a couple of times, but she didn’t rise to the occasion.

I told her that one of the skills she could be learning this week was “how to introduce yourself to people you’ve never met before.”

She said “I can’t do that, Dad. I’m SHY.”

I got down on my knees (which puts my face just a little below hers) and said “You’re not shy. Shy would have its face buried in my armpit. You just don’t know how to do this yet. You’ll learn, and you’ll be fine.”

Moments later someone she knew came tearing up to her, and they greeted each other with age-typical giggles and hugs and grabbing. I slipped away while she wasn’t looking, and stood about 25 feet off, leaning on a lamp-post, watching. It took her a good two minutes to realize I was gone. She found me quickly (I wasn’t hiding) and grinned at me. I grinned back.

I let her and her friend alone. There was a quick “everybody-gather-round” assembly, and while most parents stood with their kids, I stood almost completely out of earshot where I could barely see mine.

And then it was time to board the bus. Kiki’s friend (I’ll call her “Abby” because that’s not her name) had a friend (or maybe sister or cousin — I’m not clear on that) who was crying and didn’t want to go. Kiki and Abby bracketed the tearful friend, arms around her, and they walked to the bus together. They all squished into one bench seat (I remember, barely, when my butt was small enough that I could do that with my friends), and before too long the friend’s
tears were gone and the three of them looked ready for the bus to GO already.

That’s my girl. She might think she’s shy, but when she sees somebody who really needs a friend, she’s there in an instant.

She does her Daddy proud, she does.