Month: September 2006

Last Sunday the speakers during Sacrament Meeting used Matthew 11:28-30 as the basis for a talk. Then in Gospel Doctrine the teacher referenced the same scripture. Yesterday I was reading the Ensign and the same scripture jumped out at me. Today during General Conference at least two talks quoted the scripture. I think maybe I’m supposed to pay attention to this scripture.

Matthew 11:28-30
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

My first thought about this scripture is a familiar one. I’ve pondered many times on the two possible definitions for the word “light.” Both fit the scripture because the burden of Christ is not weighty and it fills our lives with brightness. Brightness is not always easy and so could be considered a burden I suppose.

The second thought I have, is to ponder upon what it means to be yoked. When two oxen are yoked together, they can pull a much heavier burden than one ox can pull alone. This is probably why marriage is such a prominent part of the plan of salvation. We yoke ourselves together so that we can pull much more than we would have believed. A good marriage, like a good oxen team, moves in step. Each one knows instinctively what the other is likely to do and so anticipates, to make the pulling easier. There are disadvantages to being yoked. Oxen who are yoked together have much less freedom of moment than a solo ox. All decisions have to be made with reference to how it will affect the other person and the marriage team. If one ox stumbles, the other is pulled off balance and can even be injured by the sudden yank on the yoke. This does not mean that the yoke is bad.

The third thought was actually given by one of the speakers who used this scripture. This scripture particularly talks about being yoked with Christ. Our lives are filled with responsibilities that are heavy. Some of them are too heavy for us to carry alone. Anguish comes when a burden is too heavy to carry, and yet the consequences of abandoning the burden cannot be borne. Raising a child is like that. No matter how hard or painful parenting can be, we cannot abandon the post. But this scripture gives us another option. We do not have to pull alone. Instead we can relinquish a little of what seems like freedom, to take upon us the yoke of Christ. When we do, we find our burdens redistributed in a way that makes them bearable and somehow the lion’s share of the carrying is done by Christ. He gives us peace and rest where we thought none was possible.

Handing a burden to Christ requires faith and trust. Because for him to really bear the burden we must be wearing that yoke and letting him lead us where he wants us to go. Where Christ wants us to go may be very different from the plans we had for ourselves. Being open to the possibility of a different future than the one you had envisioned is very difficult. I know that more than once I have clutched my burdens and groaned under their weight because I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn’t get to choose my own path. I was afraid I would have to give up something I enjoyed or loved. I was afraid that I would have to change. Yet every time I have put on the yoke and followed, I have ended up in a place that was even better than the one I had envisioned. Trust is hard. Faith is hard. It is frightening to walk blindly into a future you cannot see the end of. But every time I have done it my life has grown wider and more beautiful.

Then why is it still so hard to take on that yoke and follow? You’d think I would have learned this by now.

In several iterations this past week Matthew 11:28-30 was paired with Ether 12:27 “My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

Weak things become strong. But before that promise can be fulfilled we must put for the very best effort we have. I’m reminded of the story of the man whose master told him to push against a huge rock. The man pushed every day for a year and then went lamenting to his master that he had failed, the rock had not moved. The master answered that he never wanted the rock moved, he just wanted the man strengthened by the pushing. The man was now strong enough to manage other tasks which would previously have been beyond his capabilities. Muscles become strong when we strain them as hard as we can. We do not realize that they are becoming strong because as our strength increases, so do the challenges. Christ does not instantly provide strength where there was none. Instead we struggle and fight until one day we look back and realize that somehow, somewhere what was once weak became strong.

Ah, but where this connects to the previous scripture is that if we are yoked with Christ we will be working on the right weakness. Sometimes we are focused on the wrong weakness. Many men want to have impressive chest muscles, so they do chest exercises. But as the muscles on the chest grow strong they begin to pull the shoulders forward into a hunched shape. Trying to fix the problem, men do even more chest exercises. But no amount of chest exercise will pull those shoulders back. In order to straighten those shoulders, the back muscles have to be strong. When we wear the yoke of Christ he will lead us to where the problem really lies and teach us what to do. In our ignorance we pull against the yoke and struggle to get to the problem we can see. But if we trust Christ, He will help us to solve the problem that we can not see, the problem we didn’t even know was there.

I’ve been afraid to say anything in a superstitious fear that I might jinx it, but I think I am done with diapers. Patches has been wearing underpants for two days straight now. This wonderful news is courtesy of a small bin of warm water with toys in it. I’d announce potty time, then he’d sit while I filled the bin with warm water. After 10 or 15 minutes of play we were blessed with the magic of pee in the potty. Two hours later we’d repeat this. By this morning Patches had an “Aha!” moment and figured out how to produce the pee without water toys. He likes to fill the potty because I give him m&ms to share. The other kids like this because they get m&ms too. The other factor that made things work this time was that I created a chart to keep track of eating and elimination so that I could watch for patterns. I expected to chart things for a week or more before really pushing to train, but somehow just being focused on the process brought everything else about.

We did another housework scavenger hunt today. It went well. This time the treasure at the end was a movie rental. Link got outvoted on the movie and was a little disgruntled, but responded positively to the suggestion that next week he could work faster to be the first one done and get the tiebreaker vote.

General Conference for our church was today, so I got to listen to 4 hours of church via radio broadcast. I really enjoy General Conference. I get to listen to hopeful/uplifting thoughts while puttering around my house. Today most of my puttering was folding laundry and cracking open walnuts. Many of the speakers had things to say which were very helpful for me to hear. Maybe I’ll write more specifically about that sometime. Or maybe I’ll be like Mary who kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.

…and that was pretty much my whole day.

Courage is not the absence of fear, it is acting in spite of fear.

Trust is not the absence of doubt.

Faith does not banish fear or doubt, it banishes paralysis. Faith gives us the strength to act despite the fear and doubt.

If we are to make it through we must trust. Not blind trust which leads us to deceive ourselves, but considered trust which choses to risk getting hurt because it opens up the possibility of joy.

If we are to make it through we must believe in ourselves and in each other.

If I am to make it through I must put trust and faith in god. I must hand to him my fears and doubts, then trust that he will banish them.

So far the reintroduction of a planner into my life has been an unmitigated success. Last night I actually cooked dinner. For weeks I have been completely unable to plan ahead for meals. Instead I’d arrive at mealtime with no plan and I’d dither around the kitchen trying to decide what to make. I simply did not have enough clear space inside my head to decide what dinner should be. Last night we had spaghetti and I’ve already got a plan for tonight. With all those tasks evicted from my head and captured on paper I can actually THINK. It is wonderful.

Also I focused on potty training Patches this morning. That hasn’t happened for weeks either.

It is 11 am and I already feel like I have had a productive day.

Over the past week or more I’ve been experiencing an accumulation of guilt/negativity/self dislike. This accumulation peaked last night and this morning when it all spilled out in a conversation with Howard. The central theme of my rant was that I’m a bad person because I have this whole list of important things which simply aren’t getting done. Howard, wise man that he is, listened and hugged and nodded. Then when I’d wound down a little he asked: “So is this list written down?”

No. It isn’t. Bits of it are written in random places, but mostly I’ve been trying to task manage in my head. On a great day I can keep track of 10 or 20 objectives for the day in my head. But most days are just ordinary. On ordinary days I can keep track of 4-6 objectives, on bad days I can only track 1or 2 things. Everything below those top objectives completely falls out of my head until I have an external reminder. This means that important tasks get forgotten until they are critical or overdue. The key here is the external reminder. I need to write this stuff down so that I can check the list. In past times I have used a planner for this. Last year when money was so tight I decided not to buy more pages for it. It wasn’t a problem last year because the pace of life around here was much slower. I didn’t have as many variables to keep track of. That is not the case this Fall, and I have been slowly going crazy trying to keep all this stuff in my head.

Today Howard went and bought me pages for my old planner. I sat down and started all the repetitive writing necessary to set up a paper planner. I don’t like having to write “laundry” on every Tuesday and Friday page, but having the word there is an important trigger to make sure that it gets done. As I wrote I kept remembering small tasks that I want to have done. I wrote them all in a list. As the list got longer I felt calmer and calmer inside my head. All those tasks have been floating in the back of my brain yammering at me to do them. I couldn’t let them go or they would never get done. But once I write them, I can really let them go because I can always check the list to find out what they are.

Having a planner will not solve my problems. But it does let me sort them logically. For the first time in days, my head feels clear and I don’t feel paralyzed by the sheer weight of how many things need done.

Last night I had a minor panic attack. Alright, it wasn’t really a panic attack, not in the way that some people get them. I did not hyperventilate or get shaky. But I did realize that Cub Scout Pack meeting is coming this Wednesday. Pack meeting isn’t usually a big deal, but this one has a deadline. It is the Pack Meeting after Link’s 9th birthday. If he didn’t finish all his requirements for his wolf badge before this pack meeting, then he would officially be too old to ever get his wolf badge. I did not want that measurable failure looming in his brain for the rest of his childhood. What really bugs me is that I had the exact same panic moment the week before his birthday. Then I was told I had until the pack meeting after his birthday. I resolved to help him finish everything up with time to spare. Ha! I had the panic moment last week too when I realized that September was almost gone. I re-resolved to help Link get it all done. Again with the Ha! So today I cornered Link and we sat down to finish up the few last requirements.

It might look like I’m doing a good thing for my son by frantically rearranging my life to make sure that he doesn’t have to live with a measurable failure, but the truth is I cheated him. The point of cub scout requirements is not to fulfill the assignments and earn a badge. The real point is to provide hours of structured parental attention for the boy. Scrambling to tick off requirements is not at all comparable to taking a requirement and turning it into an enjoyable bonding experience. I’ve had a year to gradually work through all of these things. I wasted that year. I cheated my son out of hours of individual time that he desperately needs. Link is quiet and mellow. He does not get as much attention as his noisier siblings because he isn’t jumping up and down in front of my face. He needs the attention as much or more than they do, but he doesn’t get it. Cub scouts done right, could have provided that for him, but I dropped the ball. I’m out of time. Now all I can do is scramble to help him get his wolf badge and resolve to do better on the bear badge.

BUT today I did do one requirement right. He needed to play catch with someone for a requirement. We stood outside in the sunshine. Breezes wafted about pleasantly. Link threw wild throws at me which I tried to catch. I tossed the ball at him and he tried to catch. Link explained to me all the different ways he has been taught to throw a ball. Then he told about school today. He even went into detail about a multiplication story that his teacher told to them. Then he asked about my day and what I did while he was in school. Link was completely happy. He had my attention and was getting to play a fun game. I looked at his happy face and realized that my irritation at having to retrieve wild throws and my boredom with playing catch are a price I am willing to pay if it connects me to my son. He spends so much time living in worlds inside his own head. That is not a bad thing, I have worlds of my own, but I need to teach him enough that he is not afraid of the real world. He needs to be able to talk and relate and understand. I need to be able to understand him. He may think we are catching a ball, but I know we are catching a moment. During that moment his mind is alert and open for me to talk about things that may be difficult. During that moment he is really here rather than somewhere else. During that moment I can learn more about what he thinks. During that moment I can tell him what I think and why. I think I need to make space in our lives for more catching moments.

I wanted a fun mother/daughter movie for Kiki and I to watch together. I picked up Uptown Girls. Every preview I saw billed this as a happy little comedy. For a comedy it was on the bittersweet side. This would not have been a problem except that the little girl’s dad is in a vegetative coma. For Kiki the whole concept of “human vegetable” was completely new and it sucked all the fun right out of the movie. Also new concepts were the idea that things can be repossessed if we don’t pay our bills and obsessive/compulsive hypochondria.

Kiki now lists this movie as the saddest movie she has ever seen. We spent 90 minutes after the movie was over talking about all the issues and gently shifting Kiki into happy thoughts. On the upside I was able to point out to her how much luckier she is than anyone in the movie. They all had loads of money, but Kiki has so much family that the chances of her ever being left all alone in the world are just about zero. Kiki liked that thought. At one point she asked why anyone would ever make a movie so sad. I answered that some people have been through things that sad and they need this movie to see that they can survive sad things.

Remember, Uptown Girls is a comedy. The issues in it that rocked Kiki’s world were only passing plot points as far as the movie was concerned. I’m going to be more careful about movie choices for Kiki for awhile. Yes she does need to know about some of this awful stuff that is in the world, but I’d like her to have basic knowledge before she gets sideswiped by living it through fictional movie characters. I’m thinking Fried Green Tomatoes and Awakenings are out for a while here.

The kids did all their work. Every last scavenger list item was checked off. It took until 2 pm, but it was all done and the house has been salvaged from the mess. For their reward the kids unanimously chose going to Discovery Park. This is a park in Pleasant Grove that has really cool play structures, but we don’t go there often because the drive is about 15 minutes. Originally I said we could only have the park as a reward if the work was all done by 1 pm. They dawdled. 1 pm arrived and some of the work was still undone. I stated that the park was no longer an option. Kiki threw a fit. This was the absolute end of her life. She was never going to get to Discovery Park because obviously the whole universe hates her and would conspire to make sure she never had any fun. Ever.

The tantrum did not impress me. What changed my mind was the cheerful announcement at 1:10 from Link that he was all done could we go to the park now? Gleek and Patches joined forces with him. They all gave me bright eyed, anticipatory stares. I did a quick mental calculation and realized that if we left for the park at 2 pm, the kids could play for two hours and we could still be back in time for me to get to my 4:30 event. I informed them of this. Then I informed Kiki. The three younger kids descended upon Kiki’s full laundry basket and began a laundry folding assembly line. That basket of laundry had been the sticking point. Kiki had done lots of reading trying to pretend that the laundry would fold itself. This time she didn’t learn about the consequences of dawdling. Instead she got to learn how much her brothers and sister love her and how willing they are to help her if she would just stop locking them out.

The trip to the park was a good one. All the kids had fun. I’m calling the Scavenger Hunt a success. I don’t know how successful it will be in future weeks though. This week it was new and exciting, if I do it too often it will become routine. Hopefully we’ll keep the house in better shape this coming week and extreme measures won’t be necessary next Saturday.

Problem: The house is a wreck and the mess is driving me crazy

Problem: I cannot clean it up by myself while allowing kids to play because they out number me and can make messes faster than I can clean.

Problem: They made most of the mess, why should I be the maid?

Solution: Make the kids do the cleaning

Problem: Making kids do work is unpleasant. They complain, whine, and fail to work while I run around trying to make them work. I get increasingly frustrated and angry because I feel like I’m doing all the work anyway only with additional stress of feeling like they should be working.

Problem: I’m still fighting a sinus infection and thus I’m extra tired and cranky to begin with

Problem: Howard is not at home to back me up with his ultra voice

Problem: The kids don’t want to work, they don’t see any reward in it at all.

Solution: I created a scavenger hunt list for each of the kids. On it were the chores that they were expected to complete. The lists are scaled to the ages of the kids. Patches has the shortest list, Kiki has the longest. When all four lists are completed we will do something as a family for a reward. The kids get to vote on the reward. The person who finishes their work first gets the tiebreaker vote should there be a conflict over what the reward should be. I get veto power over the reward.

In theory this provides motivation for them to actually work. I don’t mind helping with chores. I hate having to get mean in order to motivate them to get their work done. We’ll see how it goes.

At bedtime Kiki asked “why is today such a celebration day?” She had good reasons for the question. On the way home from school we stopped by the store. All of the kids had allowance money, so they all got to buy something to bring home. Half of what Kiki brought home was treats to share. Patches also selected treats over a toy. Once at home all four of the kids curled up in front of a movie and shared the bounty. They were all happy together for hours without interruption. What a rare and beautiful thing that was.

It was greatly assisted by the fact that the doorbell completely failed to ring. Usually the afternoons are punctuated by the sound of the doorbell as neighborhood kids run in and out of the house. The number of children in my home will fluctuate between 0 and 11 on a few moments notice. Since afternoon is my low ebb of energy I sometimes have a hard time keeping up with it all. Today it was just my kids and they were all being nice to each other. This was heavenly since I’m fighting a sinus infection that is leaving me exhausted and unmotivated. The lack of motivation caused me to short circuit the bedtime battle by announcing that Gleek and Patches could have a sleep over on Gleek’s bed. The two of them curled up together as happy as a pair of puppies. Then they actually went to sleep. In fairness I told Kiki and Link that they could do the same thing, hence Kiki’s announcement.

Some family bonding has to be carefully planned and managed by me. Then there are days like today which are filled with serendipitous bonding. Of such wonderful weaves are families made. I wish I could always weave us together so strongly with so little work.