Day: November 19, 2006

Today I am a jellyfish. I drift quietly in one place until some current of thought provides sufficient impetus for me to move somewhere else. I’ve spent lots of time staring at walls today. I stare at the walls while my brain processes all the things that have occurred in the last week. I have to process them now because I just stuffed all of it in the back of my brain to be dealt with later. “Later” has become now. So I sit and think and realize that I’m hungry. So I drift to the kitchen to eat. Then I sit in front of my empty plate and think until I realize that I want a shower. So I go and take a shower. Then I stand under the spraying water and think until I realize that I should probably wash my hair. You get the idea. None of this thinking is deep or complex. It’s all…drifty.

My kids have loved the fact that I’m sitting still. They happily come and snuggle in my lap and I happily let them. It has been a snugglesome day. I have been so focused and organized for so long it feels nice to just drift.

Tomorrow I’ll be closer to normal I think. But I’m not going to push anything this week. This week I’m going to take things slow. I need it. The kids need it. And I think that important things will still get done. But the most important thing I can be doing this week is unwinding and reconnecting with my kids who spent all last week shunted out of the way so I could get stuff done.

Last night after the party, I collected my children and brought them home to put into bed. Once they were all in bed I collapsed into an emotional heap of exhaustion. I realized that in no way, shape, or form, did I want to be in charge of anything just then. At my request Howard snuggled and talked to me while I gradually drifted to sleep. It was so wonderful to just be warm and safe with someone else laying out sensible plans for the next week.

Today I am still not planning anything. I am drifting through today quietly without steering. We did get to church, but we were late because I could not muster the energy to make everyone hurry. I couldn’t even make myself hurry. After church there was a nap.

Tomorrow I will have to go back to doing things. But I expect that I’ll still not feel any urgency about getting things done. The kids are out of school most of this week and I intend for us all to have a vacation and reconnect. When this weekend is done perhaps the kids will be more emotionally stable. This past week was hard on us all.

And now I’m going to drift up to the kitchen. I think there is some food up there that I might want to eat.