Relationship Banking
Note: The concept of relationships as accounts was given me by someone else. What I am doing here is just putting the metaphor into my own words in ways that help me analyze interactions that I have seen.
Relationships are like joint bank accounts. Both people can make deposits to the account causing it to grow and both cam make withdrawals from the account causing it to shrink. Anything that strengthens a relationship, like a remembered birthday, counts as a deposit. Anything that weakens a relationship, like hurtful words, counts as a withdrawal. New accounts aren’t very big and so they can’t stand very many withdrawals before they bankrupt. Long standing accounts can stand up to many more withdrawals. However even a long standing account can be overdrawn and bankrupted.
When one person makes a big withdrawal from the joint account, it can be very frightening/upsetting for the other person. Suddenly she is reminded that she does not have complete control of how this account grows or is spent. Sometimes that fear leads her to also make a withdrawal. After all he did it, why can’t she? Unfortunately this pattern quickly leads to an account that is overdrawn and bankrupt. This pattern is particularly evident in divorces as both people struggle to withdraw as much as they can from an account that is already overdrawn.
Another response to a large withdrawal is when the injured person demands a deposit to make up for the withdrawal. You see this when a woman demands flowers in recompense for a forgotten anniversary. Unfortunately, deposits that are produced in response to a demand, only carry half the value they would otherwise have. On the other hand, an unexpected deposit, like surprise flowers, can triple or quadruple in value.
Some relationships are structured so that one person makes far more withdrawals than deposits. Parent/child relationships are this way. Sometimes the child makes a deposit to the account, but it is usually the responsibility of the parent to keep the account solvent. The parent has to pull funds from somewhere else to keep the account going. Of course it also falls to the parent to teach their children how and when to make deposits to relationship accounts. Sometimes this means demanding deposits, such as an apology.
If a person is physically or mentally ill, then they make far more withdrawals than they do deposits. This is not by choice. It falls to the caretaker to value the deposits that the ill person manages to make according to the difficulty of making deposits at all. This is not easy.
Gifts can be significant deposits. Gifts make a large deposit at the moment of gifting, but they continue to make small deposits every time the recipient sees or touches the gift. Gifts can also be withdrawals if the gift serves as a reminder of misunderstanding or if the gift comes with strings attached. Gifts are more likely to be accepted as large deposits if they demonstrate significant sacrifice or effort. Jewelry is a favored gift because it is expensive, thus it represents a large sacrifice of money and the effort required to earn that money. A handmade gift represents a large sacrifice of time.
Sometimes one person believes she is making a deposit when the other person perceives it as a withdrawal. This is like the mother who expresses her love by making sure that the laundry and dishes are always done. But the child ends up feeling like housework is more important than he is. In order for a deposit to really build the account, it can’t be made in a currency that is foreign to the recipient.