In this pas couple of weeks I have had one friend whose father died abruptly, another friend whose father was diagnosed with incurable cancer and sent home to die, a third friend’s father was hospitalized for unexplained internal bleeding. The good news is that my own father is just fine, although I should probably call him.
I feel sympathy and sorrow for the pain of these three friends. I just wish I knew what to say. They are going through something profound with which I have limited direct experience. In the face of so much pain, I fear to say the wrong thing and thus inflict more pain. So I end up saying nothing, which is certainly the wrong choice. My silence may seem to be indifference or abandonment.
Howard has been through this. Both of his parents died just as he was entering adulthood. I’ve listened to him council people about grief. He says that when faced with death, you first have to learn how to breathe even though you loved one does not. Then bit by bit you learn how to eat, sleep, laugh, and live even though the person is gone. Howard speaks with the voice of experience. He knows what to say to the grief stricken because he has been there. I don’t want to be there, but I wish I knew what to say.
In person I can express sympathy through a look or a touch. But two of these friends are online friends. It is harder to convey a hug through electronic media. Electronic communication requires words. Words are powerful. I fear to use the wrong ones.
I have suffered loss, and I do not know how to counsel people through it. Howard is a remarkable man. But you knew that.
I have suffered loss, and I do not know how to counsel people through it. Howard is a remarkable man. But you knew that.
I sympathize – my entire experience with death has been the loss of two grandparents. One was when I was fairly young, and the other was expected after several years.
I just… don’t know how to react. Someday, I know, someone close to me will die, and I won’t know how to handle it… but what I’ll hope for from my friends is not experience with tragedy, but merely a listening ear and a willingness to be there when I need them. Whatever words you actually use, the intent behind them will doubtlessly be clear.
I sympathize – my entire experience with death has been the loss of two grandparents. One was when I was fairly young, and the other was expected after several years.
I just… don’t know how to react. Someday, I know, someone close to me will die, and I won’t know how to handle it… but what I’ll hope for from my friends is not experience with tragedy, but merely a listening ear and a willingness to be there when I need them. Whatever words you actually use, the intent behind them will doubtlessly be clear.
What to say? Anything
Hi.
As a med-student, we had a class about this sort of thing, which included a lot of anecdotes.
One of them was – a medical doctor gets cancer. When she’s recovered she sees her jogging partner (also a medical doctor) at the park, when they’re both jogging. He doesn’t say anything. When she confronts him, he explains he didn’t know what to say. She says something like: “Are you feeling okay now?”
From personal experiences (with people my own age being sick/wounded), you say anything. Or you don’t say anything, and you’re there. There’s no magic word (or at least I haven’t found it). Of course, you need basic tact, but I don’t have reason to believe you’re lacking in that.
Just be there, showing you care, and that you can help. That’s all you need – it matters a lot.
Yours,
Uri David Akavia
What to say? Anything
Hi.
As a med-student, we had a class about this sort of thing, which included a lot of anecdotes.
One of them was – a medical doctor gets cancer. When she’s recovered she sees her jogging partner (also a medical doctor) at the park, when they’re both jogging. He doesn’t say anything. When she confronts him, he explains he didn’t know what to say. She says something like: “Are you feeling okay now?”
From personal experiences (with people my own age being sick/wounded), you say anything. Or you don’t say anything, and you’re there. There’s no magic word (or at least I haven’t found it). Of course, you need basic tact, but I don’t have reason to believe you’re lacking in that.
Just be there, showing you care, and that you can help. That’s all you need – it matters a lot.
Yours,
Uri David Akavia
Our neighbor’s wife died last week. On Friday night we went to the viewing (because we weren’t able to go to the funeral the next day)…
We didn’t really know her. In the two years we’ve been here she’s been pretty sick, but, we tried our best to be really good neighbors and we chased their dog back to her when he got out, etc.
Well, at the viewing LightningBoy was reminded of his cat Harley dying and even though it’s been two years it still upsets him and makes him cry. So, here we are at our neighbor’s wife’s viewing with the brand new widower comforting my son. Ross and I smiled at each other because our neighbor was saying all the “right things” to LightningBoy that we would’ve been trying to say to the new widower! “You just have to take things one day at a time…”, he said to my son. “Remember that he’s happy where he is, and you’ll see him again.”, he said to my son. ‘maybe I just need to get that poor boy another cat!’, I thought.)
In Relief Society, when someone dies they write “graduated” next to their name on the roll. I LOVE that!
I am SO GLAD that I believe that death is but a graduation from the school of life and we will all see each other again.
Grief is not for the deceased but for ourselves because we miss them.
We didn’t know what to say to our neighbor, but, we were there to show our support. AND he mentioned that the banana bread I gave him a piece of a month ago was really good… so, I will be making banana bread for him this week. We are still going to do our best to be good neighbors.
The simplest words of , “I’m sorry for your loss. I’m thinking of you.”
seem to be the best to type if you don’t know what else to say in this written world of online friends.
IMHO. 🙂
Our neighbor’s wife died last week. On Friday night we went to the viewing (because we weren’t able to go to the funeral the next day)…
We didn’t really know her. In the two years we’ve been here she’s been pretty sick, but, we tried our best to be really good neighbors and we chased their dog back to her when he got out, etc.
Well, at the viewing LightningBoy was reminded of his cat Harley dying and even though it’s been two years it still upsets him and makes him cry. So, here we are at our neighbor’s wife’s viewing with the brand new widower comforting my son. Ross and I smiled at each other because our neighbor was saying all the “right things” to LightningBoy that we would’ve been trying to say to the new widower! “You just have to take things one day at a time…”, he said to my son. “Remember that he’s happy where he is, and you’ll see him again.”, he said to my son. ‘maybe I just need to get that poor boy another cat!’, I thought.)
In Relief Society, when someone dies they write “graduated” next to their name on the roll. I LOVE that!
I am SO GLAD that I believe that death is but a graduation from the school of life and we will all see each other again.
Grief is not for the deceased but for ourselves because we miss them.
We didn’t know what to say to our neighbor, but, we were there to show our support. AND he mentioned that the banana bread I gave him a piece of a month ago was really good… so, I will be making banana bread for him this week. We are still going to do our best to be good neighbors.
The simplest words of , “I’m sorry for your loss. I’m thinking of you.”
seem to be the best to type if you don’t know what else to say in this written world of online friends.
IMHO. 🙂
I never know what to say, either. But in my own experience with loss (which happily has not included my parents!) anything is better than nothing. I remember when one of my friends died a few years ago of colon cancer, an online friend typed at me for hours, about all kinds of things. Not so much counseling or offering condolences, but just talking so I’d know I wasn’t alone. And I was really grateful for that, to have words to look at and distract me from my grief. To know that other people cared.
I never know what to say, either. But in my own experience with loss (which happily has not included my parents!) anything is better than nothing. I remember when one of my friends died a few years ago of colon cancer, an online friend typed at me for hours, about all kinds of things. Not so much counseling or offering condolences, but just talking so I’d know I wasn’t alone. And I was really grateful for that, to have words to look at and distract me from my grief. To know that other people cared.
What to Say
The important thing is that you say something. The connection with another person is very important. I have learned to honestly say to people, “I don’t know what to say that would help you right now. I haven’t been through what you are going through. But I want you to know that I care about you and I am sorry that you are hurting.”
Sometimes I am not sure that is exactly the right thing to say but I am convinced that saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing.
What to Say
The important thing is that you say something. The connection with another person is very important. I have learned to honestly say to people, “I don’t know what to say that would help you right now. I haven’t been through what you are going through. But I want you to know that I care about you and I am sorry that you are hurting.”
Sometimes I am not sure that is exactly the right thing to say but I am convinced that saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing.