Below is a piece of a comment to a post in a friend’s journal about grieving after Thyroid cancer. It is important to note that the commenter went on to point out how the friend had survived the cancer and that was cause for rejoicing. It was a good comment, but there was one sentence in it that I really needed to respond to for reasons of my own.
The Comment:
“I fail to see the point of
grieving for a part of your body that had stopped doing
its job properly and started trying to kill you, and which
has now been subdued.”
My response:
The grief is not for the body part, it is for the time which was stolen, the opportunities which were negated. It is also for the continuing impact of having a necessary organ removed. Such a huge life event sends ripples through one’s whole life. They get ever smaller, but so long as they exist, they change your life. Sometimes the changes are cause for joy. Sometimes they are cause for grief. Grief is not rational and if it exists it must be dealt with or it will continue to shadow us.
We who have been stricken must take the time to shake our fists at the universe and shout “That was not fair!” Even though we know that the cry will not be acknowledged. Even though we know that it is not logical. Somehow the shouting releases the pain within and allows it to dissipate.
This is very true. I took a Human Development class, in which we discussed the stages of grief, and mentioned how each one must be completed for the grief cycle to truly run its course. Skipping any of them causes the grief to be unresolved. Some steps may be covered extremely rapidly (even in moments, sometimes), but they must all be covered.
This is very true. I took a Human Development class, in which we discussed the stages of grief, and mentioned how each one must be completed for the grief cycle to truly run its course. Skipping any of them causes the grief to be unresolved. Some steps may be covered extremely rapidly (even in moments, sometimes), but they must all be covered.
I just want to say that if you have cancer, people KNOW what that means and you receive sympathy and help and you either get cured of it and you go on with your life or you die.
I get so frustrated because I have a chronic illness and people DON’T know what it means (even most doctors don’t even believe in CFS and just think you are lazy and fat and need anti-depressants), I don’t get sympathy (I get comments like: oh, so if you sleep better then you’ll be all better? NO. It’s WAY more complicated than that. So complicated that even I don’t understand it all!) I don’t get help and I don’t get to go on with my life (I’m stuck in this slow tired life of illness) and I don’t get to get cured, but on the bright side, I’m not going to die from it.
Okay, so someone tell me where I am in the stages of grieving…
I think I might still be stuck between anger and sadness and acceptance.
May I shake my fist at the universe and shout “It’s NOT fair!” with you guys?
I just want to say that if you have cancer, people KNOW what that means and you receive sympathy and help and you either get cured of it and you go on with your life or you die.
I get so frustrated because I have a chronic illness and people DON’T know what it means (even most doctors don’t even believe in CFS and just think you are lazy and fat and need anti-depressants), I don’t get sympathy (I get comments like: oh, so if you sleep better then you’ll be all better? NO. It’s WAY more complicated than that. So complicated that even I don’t understand it all!) I don’t get help and I don’t get to go on with my life (I’m stuck in this slow tired life of illness) and I don’t get to get cured, but on the bright side, I’m not going to die from it.
Okay, so someone tell me where I am in the stages of grieving…
I think I might still be stuck between anger and sadness and acceptance.
May I shake my fist at the universe and shout “It’s NOT fair!” with you guys?
I think you definitely qualify as “stricken.”
Chronic illnesses probably have a constant cycle of grieving processes because there are constantly new causes for grief. You grieve not being able to volunteer in your child’s class. Then you grieve for your inability to keep the house clean. Then you grieve for the art projects you don’t have energy to do. And even if you’ve grieved for a thing once, in a year or two when life is different and you are different, you may have to grieve for that thing anew.
You have been handed a very hard road to walk. I admire the way that you maintain optimism and get so much done despite your health. I walked in shoes similar to yours for a short time. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I do not know how you do it. You amaze me.
I think you definitely qualify as “stricken.”
Chronic illnesses probably have a constant cycle of grieving processes because there are constantly new causes for grief. You grieve not being able to volunteer in your child’s class. Then you grieve for your inability to keep the house clean. Then you grieve for the art projects you don’t have energy to do. And even if you’ve grieved for a thing once, in a year or two when life is different and you are different, you may have to grieve for that thing anew.
You have been handed a very hard road to walk. I admire the way that you maintain optimism and get so much done despite your health. I walked in shoes similar to yours for a short time. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I do not know how you do it. You amaze me.
“We who have been stricken must take the time to shake our fists at the universe and shout “That was not fair!” Even though we know that the cry will not be acknowledged.”
Sometimes the cry IS acknowleged, though usually the response is along the lines of “You’re right, it’s not fair in the short term; but everything will be made right eventually.” Sometimes the answer is “You’re right, that doesn’t seem fair to you; I love you regardless.” Sometimes the answer is “You’re wrong, it’s perfectly fair. You just don’t see how it’s fair yet.”
“We who have been stricken must take the time to shake our fists at the universe and shout “That was not fair!” Even though we know that the cry will not be acknowledged.”
Sometimes the cry IS acknowleged, though usually the response is along the lines of “You’re right, it’s not fair in the short term; but everything will be made right eventually.” Sometimes the answer is “You’re right, that doesn’t seem fair to you; I love you regardless.” Sometimes the answer is “You’re wrong, it’s perfectly fair. You just don’t see how it’s fair yet.”
That is very poetic.
I think there’s an essay lurking in there somewhere.
That is very poetic.
I think there’s an essay lurking in there somewhere.