Cacophony in my head.
I am grouchy today and trying to figure out why.
It could be because I ran some numbers for my book project. I want very much to believe that we’ll sell 2000 copies of the book. We sold that many of Howard’s book. But my book doesn’t have the built in audience that his book has. If we order 1000 copies and sell all of them we’ll make our money back and have just enough money for another print run. For 2000 books the price per book is lower, but the out of pocket expense is higher. We’ve decided that if the pre-orders get over 850 then we’ll order 2000 books. A part of my brain believes that will be an easy number to hit. Another part of my brain thinks that is a ridiculously high number. The rest of my brain wants both of those pieces to shut up so we can think other thoughts now.
The grouchy could also be related to the fact that I signed Link up for a summer school class. For the entire month of June he’ll be spending 3 hours every week day working on his reading and writing. The teacher swears that they’ll keep it fun. Link likes this teacher and wants to do the class. But it is still 3 hours of school when no one else has school. I’ve told Link that I’ll be making the other kids do more housework and that since he’s in school he’ll only have to do his regular stuff. That makes it a little more fair. Part of me is glad to have this external structure for our lives. Another part of me doesn’t want to sign up for more structure when I was going to get to sleep in more often. I hope Link has fun. I don’t want him to be miserable even though I do want to help him with reading and writing.
Another possible source of grouchy is that I’m pretending that I’m not waiting breathlessly to hear back about the Ages of Wonder anthology edited by Julie Czerneda. She told me that I’d hear by May 22. I know that there are a few more stories coming in by the end of this week. I will probably hear on Monday or Tuesday. But there is an excited voice that whispers about the possibility that I could hear today, shouldn’t we check email just in case? The rational voices preach calmness and talk sensibly about the unlikelyhood of my story being selected. They all jabber while I try to stuff them into a box and pretend I don’t hear any of them.
The last day of school is two weeks from today. I’m trying to plan for a summer schedule. I want very much to keep the kids working on academic things. Link will do this in summer school, but I have to provide a structure for the rest. I want to make sure they all help me keep the house clean and running smoothly. I want to plan enriching activities so that we don’t spend all summer with video games blaring. I’m forming a plan that involves assigning each day of the week a subject of focus. One day could be library day where we check out books and focus on reading. Another day could be art day where I plan an art project. A third day could be game day where I use game play to teach lessons about cooperation or resource management. The cynical voice in my head thinks this plan is ridiculously elaborate and that I’ll never follow through on it past one week or maybe two. but I need some kind of plan to head off the chaos that is a house full of children for three unstructured months.
For me to finish my book publishing project, I require Howard’s help. Every minute he spends helping me is one that he isn’t spending working on his book. I try to keep the impact on his time to a minimum, but I can’t make it zero. Part of me feels guilty for impinging on his work time. Another part feels like it is only my just due for all the hours I’ve spent supporting his work. Of course his books pay the bills while mine is a labor of love.
No wonder I’ve been grouchy. I’ve spent all day fleeing from one set of arguing voices only to trip over another set. I wish I could find a way to make them all shut up so that I could get something done. Watching a movie would work, but then so would gardening. Great. Another argument.