Into the breach again
Have I mentioned lately how much I love Howard and how lucky I am to have him? Last night I was worn and weary. The workshop was exhausting and discouraging because I was not being able to build social networks the way I wanted to. I wanted to be able to walk away from the conference feeling like the editors and agent would recognize me if they saw me again. That is probably not going to happen. Howard kindly reminded me that it would probably be more rewarding to be building a social network with the other attendees, particularly those who live locally. In hindsight this is obvious. I’ve found tremendous joy in connecting with other creative people, but somehow I was so focused on the guests that I wasted two days of opportunities to get to know people. The structure of the conference doesn’t leave much time for just chatting, but tomorrow has some spaces for it and I intend to use them.
My attendance at this conference has really outlined the business aspects of writing. I’ve found myself thinking and planning for my future as a writer. I realized yesterday that I’m planning a career. I’ve never planned for a career before. Being a mother WAS my career. Being a mother still comes first, but the kids are growing up and they don’t need me the same way they used to. I have this developing empty space in my life and I’m filling it up with a writing career. There are other things I could do to fill that space. I could be volunteering or tutoring or decorating my house, but I’m choosing a career. That feels so odd. It requires me to redefine myself. Or rather to make my internal definitions match what I’ve been doing for nearly a year now.
This switch is scary. If writing is just a hobby, then I don’t have to worry about editors or agents or the opinions of anyone else. Hobby writing can just be, without having to be good. I still do some hobby writing, but other projects I want to have recognized, respected. This means I have to care what others think. Caring what others think is frightening because I have no control over their opinions. This makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide. Hole hiding is safe and secure. In fact I’ve been doing just that during this conference. I’ve been coming home and collapsing into a little heap of exhausted emotions. Fortunately I have Howard to pick me up and talk me through it. Then I can go out again the next day.
Why is it that at the conference I can feel confident and self assured, but I do the emotional heap thing at home? It is almost like I’ve deferred all the emotions to deal with later. I would much prefer to skip the whole “emotional heap” step of the process. Yesterday was better than Monday. Perhaps by Friday I’ll have learned how to not do it. I had today free. Tomorrow I’m headed back. I hope I can handle this without unraveling again.