I have noticed that when I talk to people, I avoid eye contact. When I listen to people I look directly at them. Somehow looking at someone when I’m talking to them feels pushy or rude or perhaps too intimate. I’ve noticed that some other people do the same thing, but I’m not sure that everyone does. This leaves me wondering how common this behavior is and what kind of a message it sends to the people with whom I am conversing. Do I seem distant? Aloof? Disinterested? Shy? Or perhaps I merely seem normal and polite.
What do you do with your eyes when you talk and listen to people?
This is one of my battles. When I was nineteen I had a church leader tell me I needed to look people in the eye more so I would look more honest.* I did it for a few days and had to stop because I have a rather intense stare that makes people uncomfortable. I only know one person who has no problem with it and he’s quite fond of me in the first place.
In general, I do the same thing you do – look somewhere else while I am talking and look at the person when they’re talking. I only look people in the eye when I talk if I want to make sure they are getting my point or I’m intimidating them. And if someone is nervous while talking to me, I will look just past their shoulder or some other focal point near the eyes, but not actually the eyes. Though, truth be told, I tend to remember things better if I am doodling while they are talkng to me. But some people have a hard time believing that and get offended, so I don’t do it.
Interesting thing about eyes from http://itotd.com/articles/211/eye-language/ (learned this in my psych classes too, but why retype when I can cut and paste?):
Recalling existing information is largely a right-brain task, which means that when we’re trying to remember something we usually look to the left. Conversely, we typically look to the right when trying to construct a description or a story, making use of the logical powers of the left brain. To make matters even more interesting, looking upward suggests that a person is using images or visual memories. Looking downward is associated with kinesthetic or emotional memories, while looking directly left or right usually means the person is processing auditory data.
*This is sort of a wives tale, btw. It assumes that someone who lies is going to be nervous. In truth, a lot of liars look you straight in the eye, so they can figure out what part of their tale you’re believing and what you’re not buying. That way they can elaborate on the weak areas of their tale.
You seemed perfectly normal to me…
I tend to both maintain eye contact and avoid it both when speaking and listening… I have a touch of the ADD, so while I might be able to hold my mind to the conversation, my eyes can and do wander. I try and make sure I respond more when I’m looking away, but sometimes I fail.
Not only do I make eye contact with people, I actually find it difficult to talk to people who don’t make eye contact with me. I have a very strong urge to grab their faces and force eye contact.
Speaking of dishonesty, I think people who broadly smile while talking look phony and plastic and can’t be trusted, generally.
I’m a lot like you, but that’s not really surprising.
I’ve noticed that I’m less likely to make eye contact when I’m fresh off the computer and still wandering around in my little mental worlds. Once I’ve warmed up to people a little bit, it goes better.
(1) I look at people when I’m talking if they’re not looking at me, because I’m not sure if they’re hearing me. I’m looking for cues to be sure that I’m being heard.
(2) I have a habit of not looking at people when I’m talking to them if they’re looking at me. I’ll face them, usually, and I’ll occasionally glance at them, but I’m always a little bit wary of direct eye contact throughout. It makes me uncomfortable, or I get the feeling it makes them uncomfortable.
(3) I have to look right at people when they’re speaking to me, if at all possible. This is because I have a lot of trouble with background noise interfering with my hearing, and I’m generally reading people’s lips when they talk to me.
Interesting about the background noise. I have the same issue and even went to have my hearing tested because of it. When things are quiet my hearing is fine…but with distracting noises I struggle to pick out what I’m actually trying to hear…usually words. I’ve wondered if it’s an ADD issue. Or maybe I’m just strange, too. 🙂
I find it difficult to talk with people who don’t make eye contact, as well. I’ve felt that it was disrespectful and never know if they’re really listening to me or not. My oldest son has had trouble looking people in the eye and over time I realized that he does not like attention, so he thinks he is doing others a favor (or is being respectful to their possible discomfort) by NOT looking at them. If we talk with him face to face his answers tend to be one word answers or grunts, but if we talk with him side by side (for instance, in the car) he shares much more.
This thread has helped me see another side of this eye contact picture. I still think it’s important to catch people’s eye when greeting them or thanking them for something.
I went to an audiologist during high school, and they reported that there was nothing wrong with me. That kind of irritated me, because it didn’t explain why I struggled so much to hear.
My father realized at one point that there is a possibility we have a genetic issue involved. Somehow, he figured out that he’s hearing things just fine, but it takes him an extra second or two to process those sounds unless he can see the sound being created. This means both of us spent years asking people what they said, but figuring it out a moment later. It wasn’t unusual for us to be constantly saying, “What? Oh, right,” at the beginning of every sentence. We’d figure it out before the other person even repeated himself.
We’ve trained ourselves to slow down when in conversation. We both try to wait a second or two (sometimes even more) to process what we’ve heard before we assume we need it repeated.
That still doesn’t help when I’m on the phone or in a noisy office, though.
Have you ever heard of Auditory Processing Disorder? What you describe here is very similar to that. I had Link tested for it, but the tests were inconclusive because he couldn’t stay focused long enough to finish them.
I totally can’t keep eye contact. I don’t know why, but I always get very nervous when there is direct eye contact – like they are going to get mad at me, or something.
So I use the fact that I’m hard of hearing in one ear as an excuse to tilt my head so my good ear is toward whoever is talking, or else I look just to the side of their heads.
I guess I’m just not very brave.
It’s true!!! See, and I’m not sure I ever realized YOUR side of this issue. I’m much like K in this aspect, though not always. I try to figure out what other people do, and then I attempt to stick to that, although I know that I’m not the best at doing this. I sort of try to follow the theory of “If you’re the one who wants this specific communication, then you communicate in the other person’s language.” Works literally and figuratively!
No, I haven’t heard of it… but I’m thinking my father (an elementary teacher with an enthusiast’s interest in brain disorders from the minor to the major) probably has.
I agree. 🙂 It just takes practice when it’s a style different from yours.
WOW! I just read the article on wikipedia (which I know is not “gospel truth”) and huge chunks of it felt as if the authors had met me.
Wow.
The test at the audiologist did use a lot of background noise, but the noise wasn’t quite right to cause my hearing issues. I don’t know if I can describe it properly, but the background noise, despite being human voices, sounded like a constant murmur, with no audible plosives (p, b, d, t, etc). It was all vowels and sonorants (l, r, m, w, etc). Then a voice, much louder than the others, would say words into my ear like “Pet.” I’d struggle for a split second, wondering if I’d heard “pet,” “bet,” “met,” or “debt,” and then I’d have to repeat the word. I apparently got most or maybe all of them right — but the test didn’t feel like it accurately represented the situations I was dealing with. I could filter out the murmur because it was too steady; it didn’t have the randomness of actual crowds, where volume, rhythm, and pitch will vary unpredictably.
I wish I could “use” this to change my job at work to one where I wouldn’t ever have to answer the phone.
I feel the same.
I dunno. The two times I’ve met you, you’ve had ‘good’ eyecontact with me. (This is John aka discarn8, too lazy to log in *wry grin*)
I consider you to be someone who focuses on issues of import – that is, you look at people talking to you, and look at people you’re talking to, barring other ‘distractions’ like kids or Howard or other activities you’re in the middle of. That IMO is pretty normal – if your head’s full of “Let’s not muck up getting these orders out” (for one random example) you’re more likely to be watching your hands putting orders together than making eye contact with others.
What do I do? I try my best to watch everyone around me. Body language and intonation are IMO very key indicia of how people are reacting to you and what you’re trying to do. Knowing what your audience/partners/entertainers are trying to do and how they’re reacting to you gives you a much better chance to do whatever it is you’re trying to do – entertain, communicate, and/or be entertained.
-John