Day: July 14, 2007

Flipped out

By / July 14, 2007 / 9 Comments

Today I flipped out. I felt it coming on at about noon. By 3 pm I was a wreck and called Howard who was at the Keep. He came right home. Then of course I felt horrible for ruining his relaxation time. At first I couldn’t identify why everything was suddenly overwhelming. Why the chaos which I’ve handled easily for three days was suddenly overwhelming. I was being reduced to tears by things which are totally normal around here and which I usually shrug off.

An example, the kids dumped clean laundry out of their laundry baskets so that they could use the baskets as boats. Usually this is annoying and I make them put it all back. Today this was infuriating and I shouted at them to put the baskets back right now. When they didn’t start moving after 10 seconds I launched into a tirade about how much I hate clean laundry on the floor and that we never never never are allowed to dump clean laundry to play with baskets. I was holding onto control with the barest tips of my fingernails. I think I scared my nephews who’ve never seen me be that way before. Then of course I want to retreat into a private space and cry and berate myself for my loss of control.

That is one example of a repeating cycle all afternoon. It made no sense that I should be so volatile and irrational about every small provocation.

Then I counted on the calendar. 10 days ago my parents were in town and we had a whirlwind couple of days. 10 days ago the schedule disruption caused me to miss a dose or two of my thyroid medication. Guess how long the delayed effect of a missed dose is.

So now I have an explanation and I just need to weather out the storm. And I need to not listen to the voices which take small incidents and blow them into major traumas. My emotional tendency right now is to latch onto an incident and fret it until it feels huge and overwhelming. I have to tell myself over and over that if it really is an issue, it will still be an issue tomorrow when my emotional stability is closer to normal. It won’t be an issue tomorrow. I know it won’t. None of the things which are driving me to tears today will be a problem tomorrow.

I really need to never be separated from my regular doses of thyroid hormones. I’m a completely different person without them. I’m inclined to cry about that, but I think instead I’ll put that into the stack of things to consider tomorrow or the next day. For today procrastination, denial, and repression are my friends. Tomorrow a more rational Sandra can look again to see if any of the mirages are real.

Developmental Corners again

By / July 14, 2007

Every so often I realize that my kids have changed. While I wasn’t looking they began thinking new thoughts and the new thoughts change their behaviors.

Kiki’s shift into the land of teenager has made her a lot touchier. For awhile the touchiness was emotional, but lately it has been physical. She is much more prone to come up and hug me for no reason. She gives back-rubs. She tickles her siblings. Since this is the kind of attention that Gleek thrives on, the relationship between my two girls has improved a lot.

Gleek has been calmer and happier lately. She is more secure in her relationship with Kiki. But she is also happier in her relationship with Howard. She has been turning to him a lot more lately for comfort and other things she needs. Howard in return has been snugglier with her. It makes me glad.

All the news can’t be good. Link has begun treating Patches as an annoying little brother. He has begun defending his toys and objecting when Patches wants to tag along in games. Link wants to play games that Patches can’t yet comprehend. Patches non-comprehension leads him to “ruin” the game.

Patches doesn’t seem to have turned a corner. I’m hoping that he’ll soon turn the corner so that he gets himself to the toilet on time every time. I’ve been waiting for that corner for over a year now. Sigh. I think Patches needs more positive attention from me. More snuggly story reading is probably in order.