Day: July 26, 2007

Early this summer my friend Janci and I hatched a plan to take my kids to see some sights in downtown Salt Lake. We both loved the idea. Today was the day. As today drew closer my enthusiasm waned a little as I started thinking about the practicalities of finding parking and herding children in a city which is only vaguely familiar. I’ve been to Salt Lake often in my life, but I’m not usually the one doing the driving or parking.

An outing for my kids to see sites of interest is not about me enjoying the trip. I did get snatches of enjoyment, but mostly I spent the whole trip making sure that it worked for everyone else. I succeeded. Everyone declared that they had a good time. This kids now have a whole pile of new things to think about. Although the highlight for them was not Temple Square or the LDS Conference center. The thing that they loved was the fountain at the Gateway mall where they were allowed to run through shooting streams of water and get soaking wet. Unfortunately I was not at my best for the trip home. I was hot, and tired, and hungry, and grumpy because I went to go get the car while Janci and Drew watched the kids. It was much easier than requiring cranky children to march 8 blocks back to where the car was parked.

We took a tour of the LDS Conference Center, which is an amazing building. There was much to see and admire. I’d like to go back sometime when I don’t have to spend the whole time telling Gleek and Patches to slow down or hurry up or stop climbing on that. They were drawn like little metal filings to the magnet of water. Every drinking fountain had to be sampled. Every fountain had to be touched. Once we got to the rooftop gardens, Gleek was up to her elbows in any water she could find. Our poor tour guide wasn’t sure what to do with us. We all wanted to scatter and look at different things. She wanted us to stand politely near her and hear her rehearsed spiel. Oh well. Mostly I figure I’m running my kids through these historical places so that when they encounter them again at a more receptive age, they’ll greet them with some familiarity. I love Temple Square now because I have layer upon layer of visits to remember. For many of those visits I was the child running pell-mell through the building and complaining that my legs were tired.

I would have loved to walk slowly and admire the art and architecture. Instead I tried to make sure that the kids didn’t break any of it or alarm other people by jumping off of it. Some day I will leave my children with someone else and I’ll go tour Temple Square by myself so that I can admire without having to bend to some one else’s priorities. At least the kids did show reverence in the Conference Hall and in the Temple Square visitor’s center Christus room. Those places seem to draw reverence out of people. Even Gleek walked in there rather than skipping. At least for a moment anyway.

The Gateway mall was the right place to end the trip. It was a long walk for the kids, but the fountain at the end was worth it. I left them there to play under the watchful eyes of Janci and Drew, while I went to get lunch. Then again when I went to retrieve the car. They had a blast and were soaking wet by the time I picked them all up. Gleek was even screaming at the top of her lungs at being prevented from running through the fountain again. Fortunately Janci had the situation thoroughly under control and seemed unruffled at Gleek’s display. It is nice to have friends who know how to deal with my kids.

The trip back to the van was more adventuresome than I wanted, but it underscored to me how kind people can be. I arrived back at the van to discover that we’d left the sliding door wide open. I’d been gone for hours and not a thing was missing from the vehicle. I pulled out and realized that despite the many signs declaring that I either needed cash or a token to get out of the garage, I had neither. My car was hostage. Drew and Janci both had cash, but I’d left them with the kids. I parked again and went in search of an ATM. The reason I needed cash was because the parking garage is under the LDS Conference center. There would be no ATM on church property. The nearest ATM was probably at the ZCMI center two blocks away. I’d just walked 8 blocks. I was not excited about walking more and being late. I was also berating myself for being dumb enough to be in this position. I exited the parking garage elevator and passed a kind looking lady in the hall. She was wearing a badge, so I asked her if she knew where the closest place to get cash was. She gave me a look and beckoned me to follow her. As we walked she said “I wouldn’t do this for just anyone, but I have a token you can have.” She led me through a door to where her car was parked and gave me the token. She did not have to give me the token. I have no idea why she decided I wasn’t “just anyone.” She could have just confirmed that the mall was the best place. Instead she gave me a little bit of her time and kindness. To her the token itself meant nothing. She works there and gets them for free. To me that token meant $10 not spent on parking and 20 minutes not spent in a tiring search for an ATM machine. I thanked her with tears in my eyes. My thanks were more for the kindness than the token.

I can still picture that token lying in my hand. It was a small golden coin which had no value for anything but release from the garage. I wish I could have kept it to remind me that people can be kind to strangers for no reason at all. Of course I couldn’t. I had to surrender the token to escape from the garage. The gift of a garage token did not save my life, nor change my life. It was not a dramatic event. It was just a small thing that made my day better. I have received a random act of kindness. Now it is my turn to do the same sort of thing for someone else. I can’t just do it once and consider my obligation paid, all debts incur interest. If we all pay out more kindness than we receive the world becomes that much better for us all.

Today I am angry and frustrated because of decisions that someone else made. This means that I am angry at the pair of people who made the decisions. I am not a keeper of grudges. I believe that harboring anger will only hurt me without helping situations at all. This is particularly true since I know that there was no intent to harm. But this does not prevent me from getting angry, it just means that there is a process that I have to work through so that I can let go of the anger and forgive.

Step one is to minimize the damage. For this particular instance, I’m still working on this. I won’t know until next week exactly how much damage was done to me and mine. Right now I’m doing all in my power to make sure the damage is as small as possible. Hopefully the only damage will be additional stress that my family had to cope with. Part of minimizing damage is to not communicate with the people in question. I also need to not spill all the details and names in a place where they can be hurt by it. There will be a time later to talk, but I need to not be actively angry.

Step two is to assess the situation. Here I assess how much damage was done and how that affects other things. I have to decide whether I believe that the incident was a single unfortunate event or indicative of a larger pattern that needs to be addressed. I decide whether preserving a relationship with the people is important. Sometimes the best solution is to drop the relationship. If the person is someone I have to deal with on a long term basis (family, or coworker, or neighbor) then the option to abandon the relationship is absent or very complicated. In that case I have to decide how to speak to the person about the issue. Hopefully the problem can be resolved and will never happen again. If the issue can not be permanently resolved, then I have to take action to minimize or negate future damage should the same problem re-occur. The key here is that I take time to look at the situation from all angles before taking actions.

Step three is to actually put into action the plans I made in step two.

Hopefully somewhere in the process I can let go of the anger and forgive. Contrition from the other party really helps with that, but isn’t critical. It is possible to let the anger go even if the other people are unrepentant.

Note: I always read this kind of entry and wonder “was it me that made her mad?” If you are asking that question it isn’t you. I don’t believe the people in question read my journal. If you have ever commented here, it isn’t you. If you have never met me in person it isn’t you. If you see me regularly, it isn’t you. If you’re still wondering, you can email me username at livejournal.com and I’ll tell you that it isn’t you.