Day: July 28, 2007

Howard has been gone for nearly a week now. As I expected, I read a lot and watched far more movies than usual. They are all ways to pass the time, to fill the empty spaces that are usually spent interacting with Howard. But I can only read so much and watch so many films before my brain says “enough.” Then I want people to talk to. I hit that wall around noon today. I thought about calling people just to talk. I have many people who would happily chat and keep me company for awhile. But the person I really want to talk to is too busy. He’s working all day every day in a crowded convention center. When he does call the conversations are frustratingly short. He has so many more stories than he’s had time to tell me. I have dozens of small things to tell him. If we could spend hours on the phone we might say it all, but he needs to sleep or he won’t survive the weekend.

I miss him. Our anniversary is next week. 14 years married and I still love it when he calls to talk. We still stay up late because there are too many things to say. Not often, but sometimes. You’d think we’d run out of stories to tell, but we just keep making new ones or finding previously unshared pockets of memory. He’ll be home on Monday. I can hardly wait.

Last night I went to bed vowing that I would get things done on the morrow. Amazingly I remembered the vow this morning and still felt compelled to complete it. So I informed all of the kids that the TV would stay off until the family room was cleaned and vacuumed. Then I went out and mowed the jungle that was my lawn. 2 hours later I came in hot and tired to discover that while my kids did obey my instructions, they did it by playing quietly sans video games rather than by cleaning up the family room. I expected that. Eventually some one would care enough about playing a game that they’d actually clean.

Kiki folded first. She has been playing Ocarina of Time and wanted to continue her game. However there was a small problem. She isn’t the one that makes a mess in the family room. I tried to convince her that we all have to contribute to the cleanliness of the house that we share, but she could not bring herself to clean up a mess that she did not help make. She and I spent a good 20 minutes negotiating. I explained that holding the TV hostage was the only way I had to make sure that the work actually got done. I did that because I was not excited about cleaning up someone else’s mess either. I was in fact trying to accomplish the same thing that she was. I was trying to make the people who created the mess participate in cleaning up the mess. Kiki was ready to have me haul all the other kids in and make them clean right away. I knew how that would turn out. I would haul them protesting away from their games and friends. They would then lay on the floor whining while Kiki and I cleaned up the room. There would be yelling and frustration. In the end the people who cared about the mess (Kiki and I) would be the ones who did most of the work. I tried to convince her that it would be better if we just did it without the accompaniment of whining children. She conceeded that this was how this kind of event usually went, but persisted in feeling that she shouldn’t be the only one to help clean up the mess when she didn’t make any of it.

She sugguested bribing the kids with treats which led to a discussion about how I can’t leave the house to go get treats because we have friends over. She then suggested making cookies. I pointed out that before we could make cookies we would have to clean up the kitchen. Her next suggestion was that we invite my friend Janci over. Her thought was that Janci could clean my kitchen while she and I work on the family room. Then we could make cookies. Even as she said it I could see her realize that this was not an appropriate way to treat a friend. However the discussion of kitchen things did lead us to the final solution.

Kiki agreed to empty and reload the dishwasher. When she finished, she is allowed to turn on the TV to play her game. However none of the other kids are allowed to watch the game until the family room is cleaned up. If the other kids try to watch the game, Kiki will pause while they clean up the room or until they leave the room to do something else. Kiki is not allowed to get angry or upset if one of the other kids forces her to pause the game. I have to make sure that the other kids either work fast to clean or leave the room quickly, thus minimizing the necessary pause. Since the kids all enjoy watching Kiki play, this still gives me a motivator for getting the family room clean. And I got a clean kitchen out of the deal too. Everybody wins.

But I think the biggest win for me was talking with Kiki during the negotiations. I was able to help her see some of the reasons why I handle the younger kids the way that I do. This is good, because lately Kiki has been acting as a policeman over the behaviors of some of the other kids. This is occasionally frustrating for me because she’ll be insisting that I enforce something when I can clearly see that enforcement will cause more problems than it will solve. I get frustrated because I don’t want to cause more problems and because I can see that she is right and rules should either be rules all the time or not rules at all.

Anyway. My lawn is mowed. My kitchen is clean. And my family room will likely get cleaned before the day is over. I’m thinking that I’ve fulfilled my vow. Now if I could just get rid of this headache.