Day: August 14, 2007

This morning was Patches’ preschool open house. I told him it was coming first thing this morning. He got himself dressed all the way to socks, but then told me he would put on his shoes when it was time to go. We then had a series of conversations. They were all really short, just a quick exchange in between other things. During these conversations Patches determined that he would be getting a special bag just for preschool. He planned that he would keep it all year and then give it back at the end. I told him that he got to keep the bag after Preschool was over. He liked that. Then he commented that 4-year-olds go to preschool, but 5-year-olds can go to preschool and regular school. But he will only go to regular school after he is done with preschool. Then he talked about how I will stay with him at the Open House today, but that on the first day of preschool he will stay and I will say goodbye. Then Patches talked about how his best friend will be in his class. Then we talked about how there will be some play time and some class time. There were half a dozen more topics that we covered.

When we arrived at the Preschool, the room was full of people, most of them adults. Patches was unprepared for that and hung back. But only a little coaxing got him to pick out his school bag. Then one of the teachers gave him a cookie and that was the end of nervousness. He played happily for the rest of the time.

As we left the Preschool, Patches again covered several of the topics that we’d discussed before. I realized that Patches was pre-planning in the same way that I do. He was rehearsing ahead of time so that he knew how to act when Preschool day arrived. I listened to this and realized that this must be how I was as a child. I was neither Jump-right-in Gleek, nor hang-back-afraid Link. I was think-it-through-in-advance Patches. These are only descriptions of tendencies. All of my kids have fearful moments and they all have plan-ahead moments. It is good for me to see the tendencies as what they are so that I don’t have to worry too much about them.

I’ve mentioned before that Link is a very anxious person. I was worried for awhile that he might be headed for an anxiety disorder. Then a friend pointed out to me that the definition of a “disorder” is when the behavior interferes with other things that you want to do. Link frequently feels fearful about things, but doesn’t have difficulty over-riding that fear if there is something he really wants to do. Then last week I talked to Link’s cub scout leader. The only difference she saw between Link and the other boys is that Link approaches new things with fear and caution, while the others feel excitement and interest. Link learns to do things in spite of his fear and grows into the excitement. The other boys are often so excited that they have mishaps and have to learn some healthy caution. It was an interesting and relieving way to look at Link.

This week I also had some time to examine my own thinking. I realized that I also approach new things with caution. My caution does not manifest as fear, it manifests as pre-planning. When I know a new thing is coming, I form multiple contingency plans to deal with it. I pre-plan everything from conversations to road trips to book mailings. Sometimes the pre-planning is as simple as forming an opening sentence while I’m dialing the doctor’s office. Other times the pre-planning is as complicated as printing bazoodles of maps and putting together a book of them for an outing. Somehow all the pre-planning hems the new experiences in and makes them feel safer.

I had not noticed this tendency about myself because I spend the majority of my time going places I’ve gone before and doing things I’ve already done. The only pre-planning that I need for a grocery trip is a list of things to buy because I know exactly where I’m going and how it will all work. Most of my conversations are with people I’ve talked to before. I’ve lived in the same house for 9 years and have developed a very happy comfort zone. Only lately I’ve begun branching outside that zone. I’ve begun doing more new things. And as I face these new things I enter I heightened state of readiness. I am tenser, more alert, more ready to respond should a crisis present itself. I am anxious. I am like my son.

Interestingly, I was not a fearful child. I was more like Gleek whose first question is whether or not she can get there in one jump. But at some point I learned that actions have consequences and if I want to ensure good outcomes, I have to plan ahead. So in that way I am not like my son, but I’ve arrived in a similar place. Link is younger and hasn’t developed the tool of pre-planning to keep fear at bay. Perhaps he needs an entirely different tool, but I intend to make sure he acquires whatever tools he needs.

Identifying my pre-event planning as mild anxiety does a lot to explain the post-event-emotional-mess phenomenon that I’ve experienced. It is me coming down off of an extended adrenaline burn. It also explains the mid-convention nadir. I just can’t keep the adrenaline up for multiple days without having an emotional crash somewhere.

I don’t think this realization changes my behavior any, but it does explain me to myself. It also helps me see that Link is doing just fine and perhaps I need to spend a little less time anxious on his behalf.