Day: August 20, 2007

Last night Howard and I had some friends over for dinner. They are also making a living on a creative endeavor and so we had a very interesting conversation on the particular challenges and joys of this lifestyle. One of the things discussed was the quantity of time that gets spent on work and work related things. I know Howard has to make a concerted effort to take breaks. His default mode is working on something. Our friends were relieved to hear that because they feel the same way. And we all agreed that we’re lucky to be able to make a living on work that we can’t leave alone.

Then, at a moment when Howard had wandered out of the room, the husband leaned forward and asked me a very interesting question. He asked “Do you mind that Howard is working all the time?” I hardly even had to think. I assured him that I did not. I’ve now had time to ponder that answer and it is accurate, but I don’t think it is complete.

Howard is a person who always has to be doing something. He literally can not stop. Early in our marriage that caused a few difficulties as we learned how to deal with each other. I learned that Howard can pay full attention to what I’m saying while he is also surfing the internet. He learned that sometimes I need him to turn away from the computer and give me his full attention. I learned to ask for his full attention when I need it. He learned that sometimes I really need attention, but am reluctant to ask. Over the years we have worked out how to manage these things.

Howard’s need to always be doing things is so core to his being that he’d have to become someone else to excise it. During the early years of our marriage that need was filled by writing music. Then it found expression in producing music. There was a short stint as a science fiction reviewer for the company that eventually became About.com. Then the job at Novell became more of a career path and much of the energy was absorbed there. Then of course came Schlock Mercenary.

My point here is that Howard is always pursuing some goal. I love that about him. I resonate with it because I am the same way. So the question “Do you mind that Howard is working all the time?” is kind of moot. There is no choice between “busy” and “not-busy.” He is always going to be busy, it is more a question of what will occupy him. I love Schlock Mercenary because I get to participate. I can read scripts and sometimes help shape them. I can talk plot points and character arcs. I can dive in and do editing for the books. There are things I can do to be part of his dream. And in return he saves some of his energy and time to help me in pursuit of mine. The time he spends busy, or away at conventions, are just the price we pay for the dream.

Interestingly I’ve been asked the opposite of this question as well. “How do you stand having Howard home all the time?” This one is usually asked by other stay-at-home women. They run the household all day while the husband is at work and then when he comes home the day shifts into a different mode. The husband-at-home mode is either play time or project time, but either way it represents a different agenda than exists during the rest of the day. There are tasks which are saved for when the husband is available and tasks which must be accomplished before he comes home. Husband-at-home time requires more communication and co-operation which can be frustrating.

What day-job people often do not realize is that even though Howard is still in the house, he is very much at work. He disappears into his office for hours and I don’t see him unless I specifically need something from him. I run my things and he runs his, the only difference is that we bump into each other several times and exchange status reports. I still have tasks that require Howard to be available, they just aren’t lumped into a single block of time. Ditto with the tasks which must be done when he’s not around. Over the years we’ve developed a good working relationship and a whole pile of unwritten rules that make it all work.

I love having Howard work from home. I also understand his need to get out and socialize when he draws at Dragon’s Keep. I love the way that business and family curl around each other. Sometimes I am frustrated by the way that business and family get tangled up.

I think that what both of these questions tell me is that our way of life is out of the ordinary. Funny, to me it just feels normal.