Day: October 1, 2007

Addicted to words

By / October 1, 2007

Sometimes I just need words. Often the words I need are informational. I need to know what things are scheduled and how they will all work. Other times I need words that are motivational. They help me to get myself moving and make myself better. Sometimes I need kind words to soothe my spirt and make me feel better. I need words of fiction to take me new places and show me new thoughts. There are even times when I need hard words that scold me and show me where I’ve gone wrong so that I can do things differently another time. Sometimes the words I need come with music. Sometimes they come in print. But the need-for-words that makes me a writer is the need for my own words. I need words to take my thoughts and give them shape. Thoughts are so slippery that they’ll be gone if I don’t pin them down. Given shape, thoughts can be useful. I need my words to express the themes inside my head. Few things give me greater joy than finding exactly the right words to wrap around my meanings.

Out of steam

By / October 1, 2007 / 2 Comments

I’ve been cold all day. It seeps into my bones and my mood. Right now I should be cooking dinner. Instead I’m sitting here at my computer feeling the weight of the cookies I impulsively made and ate. Yesterday I was full of happy thoughts and admiration for my children. I saw them for the amazing people they are. I was inspired to laugh and play with them, to tell them that they are wonderful. Today I just want to be left alone. I keep trying to wrap a bubble of solitude around myself. But they keep piercing it with their sharp requests. Pop!

The weight of the things that I expect myself to accomplish presses upon me. I could get squashed by that burden. I need to lighten the load. It isn’t that I need fewer things to do. I can do all the necessary things. It is the weight of those expectations that crushes me. It is the weight of the self-disaproval which I heap unpon my own shoulders on the days when I just muddle through rather than exceeding epectations. I’ve set the bar pretty high and I can be very mean to myself when I don’t clear it.

I did pretty well today. I just ran out of steam too soon. I came home from the creative writing class and retreated inward. I’m hoping to find a resurgence of energy and enthusiasm for the rest of the evening. I’d like to enjoy putting my kids to bed rather than shoving them into bed as fast as possible just to get it over with.