I was doing so well…
Until today I had completely manage to avoid the over-stressed, suppressed-panic that made the last two book mailings such a grueling experience for us all. Today as I was processing some special handling orders and correlating with Howard, I discovered some minor errors. (wrong postage amounts printed for a couple orders and a much slimmer margin on the sketched editions than I expected.) Logically I can see that it is probably all going to be fine. But there is a voice screaming in the back of my head saying that since I got these things wrong, I might have gotten something else wrong and that “something else” might be disastrous.
So now I’m wound up tighter than a watch spring and I’m afraid I won’t be able to uncoil until after I hear back from people who received their books in good order.
Unfortunately my tension does not lead to good parenting decisions. Gleek and Patches were having a minor squabble and I over reacted at a level fit to be measured by local seismographs. I don’t like myself when I do that. I don’t like it when my need for them to obey is more important than their emotional security and development. I feel so out of control during those moments, yet they aren’t scared of me at all. I’m scared of me, but they aren’t, and so they argue. Which is exactly what I need them to not do. Again my needs before their needs. There is a huge difference between saying “Mommy needs some alone time” and “Get out!” On the up side, their lack of fear is an indicator that even though I feel out of control, I’m actually not. I feel out of control because I’m drawing close to a line I should not cross, not because I’m halfway across the field on the other side of the line.
Fortunately food came next and that calmed everyone down. Kiki asked where Daddy was. She notices too that Mom is less likely to lose it when Dad is here. I responded that Howard was at the Keep drawing. Kiki sighed because she misses him. It’s nice that the kids miss him when he disappears for a week. Then Kiki turned on my “Sanity Song” playlist for me. Which helped me get a better grip on myself. Kiki is so smart. She knew I was losing it and she quietly sought for ways to give it back to me. I’m very lucky to have her.
So now I need to just breathe, and trust in the work I’ve done, and trust that it will all go fine. I need to uncoil, because being under tension does not help at all.