In the midst of Winter

Every Winter evening I mourn the passing of the sun. I stand at my window to pull the last of the light into my eyes, as if I could hoard it until morning. Dawn is so far off on a midwinter night. Even when day comes, the light is a poor, pale cousin of what it was months ago. I know that the world will spin through space, bringing me back close to the sun. Then the rays will be so hot, they can burn. This does not help me now, when it is dark and cold. Time stretches out ahead of me.

Most years the lights and sounds of the holiday season keep the impending darkness at bay. Sparkle, and glitter, and cheer, they dazzle my eyes and give me warmth. Not so this year. This year bleakness loomed large. I could see it over and around the shining tree.

But I have a secret. Sheltered safe in my house where Winter can not come, I have a lily in bloom. I turn from the darkened window and step close to the vibrant green plant. I lean even closer. My face is so near the white blossoms that sometimes petals brush against my face. For a moment I admire the delicate, translucent shimmer of the petals. Then I close my eyes and inhale.

Esters from the blossom ride air into my nose and fill my head with springtime. My shoulders drop as the muscles in my back relax from a tension I did not realize they carried. It is as if my whole self was curled inward to defend against the cold season, but now I can unfold myself like the flower whose scent gave me this moment of Spring. Behind my eyelids half-formed memories dance with flashes of spring and summer. I breathe deep the knowledge that “not here” does not mean “gone forever.”

Eventually I must exhale and open my eyes. It is still Winter and will be for weeks to come. But a little piece of Spring is no further away than my lily in bloom. When my lily finishes blooming the amaryllis, gifted by a friend, will be just starting. Then there will be a hyacinth. Each potted flower is placed where the scent of Spring can waft through the house and surprise me unaware. “Spring is coming” the scent whispers to me and my heart lifts with hope for a moment.

The Winter is cold, and dark, and hard, but it is not unending. Beyond it there is Spring.