Month: December 2007

The Parable of the Rags

When I first got married, I was very excited about setting up housekeeping. I joyfully collected dishes and towels and blankets and sheets, trying to turn a bare basement apartment into a comfortable home. I used the home I grew up in as a model to make sure that I was properly stocked for anything that might come along. The first time I went to clean my new domicile, I discovered a missing component. I had no rags. My mother had a big box full of rags that we used when cleaning the house. There was a variety in there, some perfect for mopping up spills, others ideal for wiping windows. The rags were uniformly ratty, but they were useful.

I determined that I could not properly set up housekeeping without rags. I trundled myself off to the store to buy some. In the linens section of the store I realized that there was no way to buy rags. Everything there was shiny and new, not ratty and useful. I wandered for awhile, puzzling. Eventually I bought a stack of washcloths. I took them home and attempted to clean. The washcloths were not good for windows, they left streaks. They were acceptable for mopping up spills, but the kitchen towels worked better. The washcloths weren’t very good for scrubbing either. They were ideal for showers and baths, but I didn’t want them to be washcloths. I wanted them to be rags. I needed rags for my house.

I decided that the problem was because the washcloths were new. Once they had been broken in, they would be better rags. So I abused the washcloths. I left them out in the sun. I washed them repeatedly. I tugged at them. I bleached them. It did not take long for the washcloths to go ratty. But this did not improve their performance as rags. They just went ratty and dissolved completely. I was back where I had started.

Almost 14 years later I have a box full of useful rags and I understand why my early attempts to acquire them failed so badly. Rags are the survivors of the linen world. They are the cloth diapers that remained intact after years of mopping up baby spit. They are the kitchen towels that have soaked up so much koolaid and chocolate milk that you can’t even remember what the original colors were. They are the towels that got left outside in the summer sun for months and yet remained intact. There is no way to know when you buy something new if it will one day be a good rag, or if it will just become garbage. The only way to make rags is by using things for years until one day they are too ugly to display in public, but too useful to get rid of. It takes time to acquire a useful rag.

I call this experience “the parable of the rags” because so often in my life I am impatient. I see something up ahead and I want to get there right now. But I am beginning to understand that somethings are better if you wait for them. Some things require patience and hard work before they can exist. And if I try to rush ahead I will only end up holding a pile of useless threads.

Noise

Yesterday I was sitting in a Sunday School class when two women behind me decided that they would rather have a conversation than listen to the lesson. I’m not bothered by a few whispers here or there (I’ve been known to whisper myself on occasion.) Usually I can tune-out the whispers and just listen to the lesson. Or I can tune-out the lesson and just listen to the whispers if I prefer that. On a rare, multi-tasking day I can follow both. Yesterday was not a good multi-tasking day. Yesterday was barely a solo-tasking day. I found myself unable to follow either the lesson or the whispers. The two sets of input clashed in my brain and turned everything into static. The only solution I could find was to tune out all aural input and just think my own thoughts.

I’ve had that experience before. It happens to me frequently when I’m tired or over stressed. The kids talk over each other and it all becomes a senseless wash of noise until I want to yell at them to all be quiet. I am fortunate that this only happens on my tired days. For people with auditory processing disorders every day is like that. I don’t know how they stand it. I usually end up fleeing. I turn off as many noise sources as I can. The filter goes off. All music gets turned off. Video games or movies get turned off. (Unless that threatens to create more noise in the form of child protests, then the volume just gets turned down.) I shut myself away, craving silence so that I can hear myself think. Because on really tired days the noise static blocks out my thoughts too.

I think this particular tired/stressed state is triggered by an input overload. This often gets discussed for newborns. The doctor will tell new moms that the baby is colicky because he can’t filter out any of the sensory input and so gets over-stimulated. I’m an adult. I can filter my input, but often I don’t want to. I want to read dozens of blogs, and the news, and listen to music, and watch movies, and talk to the kids, and do the accounting, and ship books, and plan for the next week, and wash the laundry, and, and, and. I switch from one thing to the next without stopping or pausing. There is no time for things to settle. I have no time to process one experience before I’ve shoved three more things into my brain. Some days are slower and allow me time to process, but lately there has been no time, no space. No wonder my poor, tired brain just gives up and stops interpreting for me.

The book shipping is over. There are a hundred small things that I need to catch up on because they were neglected. I could fill my whole day with getting them all done, as I did today. But the result is me feeling frazzled and discouraged by the end because all the input is turning to noise without meaning. I need to remember that one of the most important parts of re-establishing normal is to give myself the space and time to feel calm. I need to pause and remind myself why I want to do the things on my list. If I do that, then the sounds of the children become reason for joy rather than noise.

The reward for a job well done

The reward for a job well done is another job. I allowed myself one jellyfish day and now I am back at work. After all, this is the holiday shipping season and I have packages to mail. Thus far only one package has returned to me. It was an APO package that needed a customs form which I’d neglected to attach. It has already gone back out. For the next week I’ll be a regular visitor at the post office making sure that any returned packages go back out quickly. I’ll also be shipping new orders daily.

I’ll get to take a bit of a break right around the holiday. There will be fewer shipping chores. Maybe I’ll do some sewing. Perhaps I’ll get some writing done. But the break can not last too long. By January 1 I need to be back in gear laying out the next Schlock book. We have to get the files to the printer by January 31 if we want to make our intended April release date. And the book has to release in April because both March and May have multiple conventions. I suppose we could do it in June, but I’d really rather not have to make the money stretch that far.

In addition, Howard is making noises about wanting merchandise other than Schlock Mercenary books. We may be headed back to doing t-shirts. This means I’ll be making my shipping system even more complicated. Whee.

But for today I just need to dig my way out from under this pile of laundry and accounting work that accumulated while I was busy with books.

Return of the jellyfish

I was hoping that I would be able to avoid being a jellyfish like I was the day after the last book release party. Nope. I’m definitely jellyfishy today. I drift, mildly aware that I should probably tackle that mountain of laundry or feed the children. If I bump into a task, I do some work on it, but I can’t seem to move myself with any sense of purpose. I think more sleep is needed.

After the crowd

Sandra Boynton has a counting book. It counts up from “1 is good for a quiet walk” all they way to “10 makes a celebration loud LOUD LOUD!” The book does not end at 10. The next page is mostly white space with a little cat sitting in the middle of the strewn confetti from the prior page’s celebration. With the cat are the words “and 1 is wonderful after the crowd.” I feel like that cat right now. She too enjoyed the party while it occurred, but is now glad to have the silence that comes after.

I came home to a house cleaner than when I left and children fast asleep. I paid the babysitter extra for this miracle. There is calm and silence for what feels like the first time in weeks. Now I can look out at the snow and not have to go out in it. Even more than the crowd of people, I am finally done with my crowded thoughts. I don’t have to juggle or shift or plan for tomorrow. I no longer have a box full of stress sitting in my office. I can finally sit and sort through all the thoughts that have been shoved to the back of my brain because I was too busy for them. The back of my brain has become quite crowded. It will be nice to disperse that crowd too.

I am so tired. I should sleep. But if I sleep, then I will wake up to kids who need food. There will be Things To Do again. I’m reluctant to let go this moment of silence and calm even for sleep.

Long winded tale of Schlock shipping

I did not post on Wednesday. This is because I was in a heavy avoidance mode. I’d done all the book shipping preparation that was possible, but I was still tense and nervous that things would not go well. I had to give my brain things to do other than fret. So I read and surfed the internet and generally avoided everyone and everything that could remind me about all the worries in the back of my brain. A head stuffed full of repressed worries does not make for a good night’s sleep. I spent the entire night packing books in my dreams.

Thursday was the first day of shipping. The file boxes full of invoices and postage were finally put to use. Those file boxes loom large in my brain the more stuffed they get. By the time I am done sorting invoices and printing labels, I’ve put in about 50 hours of focused effort. Then I start printing postage. The boxes I carried to the Keep yesterday contained 60 hours of my effort and over ten thousand dollars worth of postage. It is very cathartic and tension reducing for me to look at those same boxes now that they are empty. The invoices and postage are now packages. Most of those packages I will never see or hear from again.

The first shipping day always begins slowly. I start with the single book packages first to let the helpers get a feel for how the process works. It does not take long before the volunteers are rearranging their packing stations and optimizing everything for efficiency and accuracy. I love to see that. At first I work right alongside everyone else. There is usually a pile of “special handling” packages that require too much explanation. It is one thing to explain a process that will work for a whole pile of invoices. It is something else to explain that this package gets an extra book because the person sent a separate payment, but asked that the books get shipped together. All the packages in “special handling” have stories attached and it is much easier for me to do them because I already know the stories.

By noon the special handling pile was gone. This was good because we began accumulating volunteers. That’s when I step back and stop doing any of the packing. Instead I started walking around and supervising. I checked all the processes, but everyone was working well and working smart. There was only one time I had to ask someone to change the way they were packing, not because it had caused a problem, but because it could potentially cause a problem. Everyone was very thorough. They kept finding problems and bringing them to me. I collected labels with no matching invoices, addressed packages with no zip codes, a big pile of packages with no postage because I’d miscounted how much to print, and a second pile of packages needing postage because I’d mis-estimated how many books would fit into a flat rate mailer.

At first the supervising left me ample time to sit down or snack on a bagel. But then more volunteers arrived and we finished all the big lists. I found myself with twice as many workers and they were all finishing lists faster because the lists were shorter. For the last three hours of the shipping I did not have a spare minute to think. There was always someone in need of a new list, or with a question, or lacking supplies. Then suddenly my boxes were empty. People came asking for the next assignment and I had none left to give. This was good, because I had reached frazzlement. I could hardly think coherently anymore. Fortunately the pizza arrived about then. I’d hardly eaten all day and I was famished.

I went home relieved, but not completely relaxed. I had that pile of problem packages to sort out. They threatened to disturb a second night’s sleep, but I squelched them with pie and a good book. Three hours of work this morning and I’d found solutions for all of the problem packages. Three helpers came back to the keep today. I’m really glad that they did come despite my frazzled assurances the night before that there wasn’t much left to do. I would not have been able to get those problem packages done and ready before the man with the mail truck showed up. He arrived just as we had finished and were all wondering what else there was to do. So we loaded the mail truck and it was all done.

There will be shipping tasks next week. Some new orders have come in. Some of those packages will find their way back to me. Then I’ll have to sort them out. Some postal worker will find a way to mangle books and we’ll need to send out replacements. I’ll still have work to do. But there is so much less. I don’t quite feel done yet. The book release party is tomorrow, I still have to run that. But I’m hoping that next week and the week after will bring more time for family and holiday and doing-nothing-in-particular.

The shipping is done

I do not believe it. We had more packages to ship, more books to ship, everyone had to pay attention to which sketch went into which package, and it was still all finished today. It does not seem possible. I lay it all at the feet of the amazing volunteers who all pitched in so cheerfully. I would hand peopled complicated lists with multiple items and they would just go make it work. Every time I turned around someone was done and asking for more work or a new person had shown up to help. Not only that, but the people just accumulated. I think that only one person had to leave for another commitment. Everyone else just showed up and stayed until the job was done. At the end we had about 17 people working all at once. We took over the whole store.

We had the same very nice mail person who picked up for us the last two times we did shipping. I was glad to see him again. He came twice. He’ll come a third time tomorrow to pick up the last load of tubs. Tomorrow I’ll be back at Dragon’s Keep for a couple hours to take care off odds and ends. There are some clean up chores to do and extra shipping supplies to haul home. But suddenly I have space in my day tomorrow. Saturday is the party.

I was doing so well…

Until today I had completely manage to avoid the over-stressed, suppressed-panic that made the last two book mailings such a grueling experience for us all. Today as I was processing some special handling orders and correlating with Howard, I discovered some minor errors. (wrong postage amounts printed for a couple orders and a much slimmer margin on the sketched editions than I expected.) Logically I can see that it is probably all going to be fine. But there is a voice screaming in the back of my head saying that since I got these things wrong, I might have gotten something else wrong and that “something else” might be disastrous.

So now I’m wound up tighter than a watch spring and I’m afraid I won’t be able to uncoil until after I hear back from people who received their books in good order.

Unfortunately my tension does not lead to good parenting decisions. Gleek and Patches were having a minor squabble and I over reacted at a level fit to be measured by local seismographs. I don’t like myself when I do that. I don’t like it when my need for them to obey is more important than their emotional security and development. I feel so out of control during those moments, yet they aren’t scared of me at all. I’m scared of me, but they aren’t, and so they argue. Which is exactly what I need them to not do. Again my needs before their needs. There is a huge difference between saying “Mommy needs some alone time” and “Get out!” On the up side, their lack of fear is an indicator that even though I feel out of control, I’m actually not. I feel out of control because I’m drawing close to a line I should not cross, not because I’m halfway across the field on the other side of the line.

Fortunately food came next and that calmed everyone down. Kiki asked where Daddy was. She notices too that Mom is less likely to lose it when Dad is here. I responded that Howard was at the Keep drawing. Kiki sighed because she misses him. It’s nice that the kids miss him when he disappears for a week. Then Kiki turned on my “Sanity Song” playlist for me. Which helped me get a better grip on myself. Kiki is so smart. She knew I was losing it and she quietly sought for ways to give it back to me. I’m very lucky to have her.

So now I need to just breathe, and trust in the work I’ve done, and trust that it will all go fine. I need to uncoil, because being under tension does not help at all.

Big Numbers

If you spend a long period of time working with large numbers, then smaller ones seem insignificant. This is an occupational hazard for me. I run a business where I’m routinely writing checks over a thousand dollars. (The books cost over$13,000 to print and postage is going to cost about that much to ship them.) This means that when I do the family budget and purchasing, I frequently find myself thinking “well it’s only $20.” But I still need to track those $20 purchases. In fact I need to track $1 purchases because money adds up. It adds up very quickly when you aren’t paying attention.

Howard has now signed and sketched over 1070 books. This means there are “only” 200 books left to do. I remember when we released Under New Management and the thought of sketching 300 books was daunting. Beyond that Howard needs to sign an additional 600 Tub of Happiness, over 200 Blackness Between, and just under 200 Under New Management. That’s tomorrow’s task. Then on Thursday we begin the shipping. There will be over 1600 packages and 2200 individual books.

I remember when sending out 50 Christmas cards sounded like a lot.

Turning Inward

This week all of my energy has turned inward. I’ve spent lots of it on preparing for book mailing, but the rest of it has been focused on replenishing my reserves and meeting the needs of my family. I skipped out on my writer’s group, cub scout pack meeting, and a dinner hosted by my church women’s group. They are all events that I look forward to, but this past week I needed to focus all my energy into keeping things well managed at home so that Howard’s marathon week of book signing was as easy as possible. I also needed to really connect with the kids last week, because this week I’ll be handing them off to others and when I am home, I’ll be too tired.

It is strange to feel this turning inward. I’m not calling people or reaching out. I look forward to finishing the book mailing so that I don’t have to conserve myself so vigorously. I miss reaching out.