Month: January 2008

Just a day

This morning Kiki helped me get the kitchen and front room really clean. Having clean space in my house makes a world of difference in how I feel about myself and my life. Tomorrow I’ve got to tackle the family room. We’re having Gleeks birthday party in the afternoon and then a gaming group in the evening. Unfortunately we still have the futon in there. It may have to be evicted to sit on the front porch. This would be unfortunate since we have more snow predicted for next week and getting wet would not be good for it.

I weep for the unfairness of life

Lately I have been lamenting the things in my life which must lay idle. I have the capability to make my home truly beautiful. I have the ability to create a wondrous garden in my yard. I could write stories and novels and get them published. I could devote myself to my children and help them to excel. I could push forward on efforts to help the cartooning business grow. If I pursued just one of these things I could be superlative. But in order to be superlative in one area, I’d have to give up other areas. And so I must pick and choose. My inner child whines and stamps her feet at this because she wants it all.

Then today came several reminders that I, who am incredibly blessed, should not be so greedy. Today I heard from a childhood friend whose current life is extremely narrow because of ill health. The life she is living does not at all resemble the one that she dreamed of when we spent hours spinning futures for ourselves. Today I heard from another dear friend who is struggling with an extremely high-risk surprise pregnancy, a house to sell, a house half-built, four kids, and the probable loss of the job which pays the bills. Many factors in her current situation are not of her choosing. Today I thought of friends who struggle with depression. Today I thought of friends who live far from family and have no companionship local to them. Today I realized that I am not the only one who cries tears in private over things she can not do. Today I remembered there are people who have so much more right to cry than I do. Today I wept a little on their behalf.

Today I realized that rather than stomping my feet and struggling to pick up all my things at once, I need to leave some of them laying where they are. Then my hands will be free to reach out and help some of these others who are suffering so much more than I.

Postal Education

Today at the post office I learned several new things about mailing.

1. If you bring in 200 tubes to be mailed, make sure to sort the tubes first according to mail type. This wins you loads of goodwill from the employees who would really rather not deal with tubes at all. If you forget to sort ahead of time, staying to help sort also wins you goodwill.

2. Try to time your arrival with 200 tubes for a not-busy time of day like 8 am. The employees are much more willing to help when there is no line of people waiting.

3. The goodwill from postal employees means that when you make mistakes on allowable types of shipping, they are happy to help you correct them. Not only that, but they will then explain a bunch of information that while technically available online is nigh impossible to find or make sense of.

4. No package containing an invoice can be sent via media mail. The books can be sent media mail, but the invoice has to be sent separately. (This is the end of us using media mail as a shipping option because I use invoices to make sure that the right contents go into the right packages.)

5. Up to four pounds can be sent internationally via first class mail. This is cheaper than Priority Mail which I thought was the only option. I’d assumed that first class mail disallowed anything but letters. This is excellent news for customers abroad.

6. Up to a pound can be sent domestically via first class mail. This is good news for domestic print buyers.

7. Just because you’ve been shipping things for over a year doesn’t mean you actually understand what you are doing.

Patches’ ears

Patches has been having trouble sleeping. At the beginning of January both Patches and Gleek were having bad dreams. I started sitting in the hallway at bedtime and the issue resolved for Gleek. Patches kept waking up at night to come crawl into bed with Howard and I. He claims he does it because of bad dreams, but is unable to describe the dreams to us.

Then this morning he curled into a little ball and wailed because his ear was hurting. Everything clicked into place. Children with fluid behind their eardrums will frequently have disturbed sleep patterns. They go to sleep just fine, but the fluid collects and pressure builds until the kids wake up. Now I’m looking at all those awake-way-too-early mornings and the irrationally cranky times that Patches has been having lately. It is suddenly blindingly obvious that he’s been suffering from chronic fluid filled ears. Both Kiki and Link suffered similar problems, so I’ve seen this before.

I took Patches to the doctor. Sure enough, his ears are filled with fluid. So now we spend a week giving him decongestants and letting him chew a lot of gum. Then next week the doctor will look at his ears again. If they’re still full of fluid, then we’re off to the ENT and probably headed for ear tubes. I’m so glad to have found an answer to why Patches has been struggling and cranky for this whole month.

Accepting feelings

I have been very concerned lately about the relationship between my two daughters. Kiki thinks that Gleek is rude and annoying. Gleek thinks that Kiki is just mean. This makes me sad. I want them to be friends. I want them to find joy in being sisters. I know that it is very common for siblings to squabble while growing up, but then be great friends as adults. That’s the pattern I had with my older sister. But I still feel like they are missing out right now.

So today I tackled the problem. I have a marvelous parenting book “How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk.” I decided to take chapter one “accepting feelings” and teach it to our family. The idea is that in order to really communicate with someone else, you have to accept how they feel even if you wish they felt differently. This acceptance opens the path to further conversations. I don’t know how much the kids absorbed, but the concepts have been introduced. It is a start.

After the lesson was over, I realized that the biggest offender on the “not accepting feelings” count, is me. I don’t want Kiki to grouch and Gleek, so I jump in and explain why Kiki should be tolerant. Or I jump in and make Kiki stop. I do everything but listen and accept because I don’t want to accept that my daughters annoy each other. The honest truth is that there is only so much that I can do to improve their relationship. In the end they are the ones who will make it good or bad. I have to accept my lack of control and only make myself accountable for the things I can do. And one of the things I can do is stop reacting defensively and start really listening to what my daughters feel about each other.

The day gone by

Today was one of those days where I wonder why Howard puts up with me. Then he reassures me that it really is no trouble, but I don’t believe him. You see, I’m aware that I get totally irrational sometimes. I turn into a ball of raw emotion and make mountains out of molehills. When I’m in the midst of one of these events I honestly believe the molehills are mountains. Then I’ll go crying to Howard and make a mess out of his day as well as mine. Fortunately Howard knows exactly how to hold on to me and listen to me and wait for my senses to return. They usually do within about 24 hours or so.

This morning was not good, by afternoon everything was better. I spent a large part of the afternoon curled up on the couch playing Pokemon Snap on our Wii. I used to play that game when Link was 4 and Kiki was 6. It was fun to play again with Patches and Gleek snuggled up to me just the way their older siblings used to do. It has been a long time since I’ve sat still to play a video game. Fortunately Pokemon Snap is a short enough game that I was able to complete it in about two hours.

Other highlights of the day:

Gleek lost the second of her top front teeth. Now she has a double-wide gap in her smiles. She is extremely pleased with this because now she has a lisp. It won’t last for long though. I can already see the adult teeth poking through. The tooth came out in the middle of our church meeting. This was very exciting and made sitting still very hard for the rest of the meeting.

Howard sat down and snuggled the kids so they could all watch the first episode of the new Doctor Who.

Kiki made lunch for everyone. She made quesadillas. Unfortunately she used the block of Parmesan cheese rather than mozzarella. The result was nasty and no on wanted to eat them, but I really appreciate Kiki’s intention to be helpful.

Muse in the Pipes

Each year since I started this online journal in 2004, I’ve posted an original story in celebration of my birthday. I’ve been so busy this month that I worried I wouldn’t get one done, but I did. Prior years’ stories can be found on my website.

Muse in the Pipes
By Sandra Tayler

“Well ma’am, you’ve got a terpsichore.” The man stepped back out of Kayla’s shower. He stooped to put the scanning device back into his kit, giving Kayla a full view of the Ghandrachar’s Muses and Familiars logo on the back of his shirt. The label on the front declared his name to be Scott.

“A what? I thought it was a muse.” Kayla peered at the shower wall as if she could see through it to the creature hiding inside. This was absolutely the last time she’d buy something supernatural off of ebay.

Scott began rummaging in the side pocket of his kit. “A terpsichore is a kind of a muse. Now when you called, you said you’re a musician?”

“That’s right. I play cello.” Kayla gestured to her instrument leaning on its stand in the corner.

“Ah, then you should have an erato or an euterpe. Terpsichore is a muse of dance. No wonder she’s been so unhappy.” Scott pulled out a clipboard and handed it to Kayla. “Here is a standard removal contract. It states that you agree to pay our fee and that once the muse has entered our trap it becomes the property of Gandrachar’s. See you’ll need to inital that part before you sign.”

Kayla snorted. “You’re welcome to it. I just want the thing gone. It has done nothing but cause me grief since it arrived two months ago. I can not stand one more flooded shower or toilet. The downstairs neighbors are threatening to have me evicted.” She signed the form with relish and handed it back.

Scott slid the clipboard into his kit and then pulled out a mechanical flower the size of a large mixing bowl. The petals were closed at first, but as Kayla watched he rotated a little crank that caused them to swirl outward as if the flower were blooming. He set the device carefully in the bathroom doorway.

“Now ma’am I’m going to need your help with this. The terpsichore is obviously bonded to you, otherwise it would have left. Only you can draw it out to the trap.”

Kayla nodded. “What do you need me to do?”

“Dance.”

Kayla’s jaw dropped. “You must be joking.”

“No ma’am.” Scott walked across the small living space and shoved her table and chairs against the wall. He gave the couch similar treatment. Then he stood in the middle of the open space and reached out a hand to her.

Kayla crossed her arms tightly. “I don’t dance.” She never did. Not since high school when Lindsay Mason had made so clear to half the freshman class that Kayla could not dance.

Scott studied her a moment, then retrieved an ipod and a small set of speakers from his kit. He turned on a waltz. “Ma’am only your dance can draw her out. If you really want her gone, you must dance.”

Kayla sighed and glanced around her apartment. The blinds were shut. No one would see. She stepped forward and took Scott’s hand. He held it out and placed his other on the small of her back. Kayla set her other hand on Scott’s shoulder.

“Very good ma’am. Now with me. One, two, three. One, two, three.” Scott began to move, gently nudging Kayla’s feet with his when she stepped awry. It was awkward at first, but soon Kayla began to feel the rhythm of the music. She stepped more confidently. Scott used a gentle pressure against her back to pull her out of the single location she had been stomping in. The turn quickened Kayla’s breath and
she remembered a time long ago when she had watched a dance competition.

Kayla had been 7 years old. It was long before Lindsay Mason. She remembered being pressed in the crowd, but peeking through the forest of bodies she had seen glittering swirls of skirts and men in tuxedos drifting around the floor as if blown by the merest breeze. Now, despite the cramped space, she felt as if she were one of those glittering women. Scott twirled her again all the way out to the end of his arm and then back. Kayla pictured herself wearing one of those long skirts that wrapped around her legs. Seven year old Kayla had done the same and spent hours twirling around the house until the jeers of her older brother stilled her dancing feet.

Kayla’s feet were not still now. They skipped across the floor lightly as the music swelled. She smiled up at Scott’s calm face. He looked down and shadow of emotion crossed his. Had that been pity before he schooled his features into blandness? Kayla did not care, she let go of his hands for a pirouette of her own.

Halfway through the third rotation there was a loud CLICK and Kayla stumbled. She tripped over her own feet and her hip slammed into the couch on the way down. Bruised and dizzy she staggered back to her feet.

“What happened?” She asked.

“Your bond to the muse’s inspiration was severed when the trap closed. She belongs to Gandrachar’s now.” Scott walked over to the mechanical flower. Its petals were closed again, but a soft rosy glow flowed and shifted around the edges of the petals. He picked it up gently and began to place it in his kit.

“Wait!” Kayla’s hand reached toward the flower. She’d forgotten that she once loved to dance. She didn’t want to lose it now.

Scott picked up the kit and spoke softly as he walked toward the door. “Ma’am I have to take her away now. If you want her back, you’ll have to come talk with a placement consultant at Gandrachar’s.”

“Placement consultant?” Kayla trailed Scott across the apartment. He paused in the front doorway.

“Yes ma’am. With us you’ll pay a little bit more to get a muse, but we guarantee a good fit.” Scott tipped his head a little as he considered her. “A terpsichore might be right for you after all, but we’ll need to wait a few days for the effects of the inspiration to wear off before you can truly know what you want.” Scott gave her a nod and shut the door behind him.

Kayla turned back to her apartment. The empty space in the center beckoned her and she gave a little twirl. But her feet did not fly. It was not the same.

Kayla’s eyes fell on her cello. She walked to where it sat in the corner. Her fingers caressed its beloved curves. What would it be like if the muse was music instead of dance? Kayla smiled. She would be going to Gandrachar’s in a couple of days.

My Oasis

When I began the new family schedule I had to re-think bedtime. Gleek and Patches were both having a terrible time staying in bed. They both were afraid of nightmares. To solve the problem I began tucking them into bed and then sitting in the hallway. There is one spot where they can both see me while lying down in bed. At first I spent lots of time asking them not to talk, telling them to lie back down, and fetching things for them. But they quickly settled into the routine. Now it is very common for both of them to be asleep within minutes of laying down in bed.

My first intention was to sit in the hall nightly until the bad dreams subsided. Then I was going to gradually wean them from that need so that I could go do other things. But I’ve discovered that I really enjoy sitting there with my laptop while my kids drift off to sleep. It is a quiet space at the end of a busy day. During that time I read forums, surf blogs, or just write. Lately I’ve found myself looking forward to my time sitting in the hallway. It is a nice change because prior to this I had to finish bedtime before I could have time for myself. Now I’ve blended the two in a way that works.

So here I sit, listening to the soft breathing of sleeping children. In moments like this I can remember how wonderful my life is and how blessed I am to have it. Tomorrow there will be things to do again, but for tonight all the things are done. Tonight I have a little space of time that is mine. I have a little oasis in which business and housework are not allowed. I love having this time.

Keeping going

In our church the kids sing a song about pioneers which has a chorus about “we are marching, ever marching, marching onward, ever onward.” My life feels like that chorus right now.

Last October through December I was living a high energy, high stress lifestyle. I’ve deliberately stepped away from that. I’ve pared back my away-from-home commitments. However the at-home commitments have doubled or tripled. I’m giving the kids far more time and attention. I’m giving the house more attention. But the largest part is the increase in workload for the Schlock business. With the new merchandise I’ve been spending several hours per day preparing packages for shipping. Since we intend to continue adding merchandise at the rate of at least one new thing per month through July, I expect the shipping chores to increase rather than decrease. It isn’t high energy stress, but it is one thing after another stress. I don’t have to go fast constantly, but I do have to keep on track and keep going.

An additional time consumer is the book layouts that I’m supposed to be working on. I’d planned on getting them done early in the month. Instead I did seemingly endless piles of Tax Preparatory accounting. But the tax accounting is all done now. So today I opened up the layouts for Hold on to Your Horses and really dug into the changes I want to make. None of the individual changes is large, but I discovered that I wanted to make a lot of tweaks. I spent several hours on it this afternoon. It was supposed to be morning hours so that the afternoon could belong to the kids, but shipping and customer support slurped up the whole morning. I have another hour or so of work on it, then I can shoot a pdf off to the artist for approval.

I think I’m actually going to meet my goal of getting Hold on to Your Horses sent off for print by the end of this month. This is both exciting and terrifying. What if I make some horrible mistake in formatting the book, but no one sees it until we’ve shelled out the money and got the books in hand? What if no one buys the book? I ran the numbers and for me to break even, we need to sell 700 books. (It would be 400, but I feel strongly that the artist deserves to get paid for every copy that sells whether or not the project breaks even.) One part of my brain says that of course we’ll be able to sell 700 books. Howard sells that many of his books in the first 24 hours. But another part of me remembers all too clearly that 700 is an astronomically high number of sales for a self-published book. So I’m scared that this project of mine will cost our family money just when we’re trying to create a more stable financial situation.

As soon as I get the files sent off for print, I need to start putting together a website for the book. I need a place to point people when they ask about it. I’ll also need promotional materials like bookmarks. Oh, and of course there is the layout for the next Schlock book that needs to be done as well. So much to do. One thing after another.

Mostly I just move from task to task getting things done. But sometimes I pause and just feel tired. In that moment it all seems impossible. But then I pick up and start moving again. At the end of each day I’ve done a lot, but it is but a sliver compared to what I have yet to do. I would be discouraging except that I have this strong feeling that this burdensome schedule is only going to last for about 6-9 months. I can keep going that long.