The Press of Inspiration
I believe in personal revelation, that we can be directed to the best path for our life if we are open to receiving messages. At several major turning points I feel like Howard and I have received instructions about what we should do. The biggest of these was our decision for Howard to leave a product management position at Novell to be a cartoonist. I feel like I receive direction and help with myriad small things as well. The story idea for Gleek, ideas for how to run homework time, and the soft answer in the face of wrath, are all examples.
At times this belief in inspiration is frustrating or even frightening. There are times I feel inspired to do things that I do not want to do, or that I’m afraid to do. We would not have the house we live in if we had listened to our desires to not move instead of the inspiration that we should. I have had almost 10 years to be grateful that we listened to that inspiration. I find this is usually the case, that the results of following inspiration are far better than I could have pictured.
All this is in my mind because I was pressed with inspiration at the turning of the year. It loomed insistently, pressed me to shift the family schedule, pushed me to stop going to writer’s group, and one evening it made me stop blogging in the middle of a sentence and go do something else. I felt hounded and bewildered. All the messages seemed to tell me to stop writing, to put it down. Yet in the past I’ve received strong affirmations about the value of the writing I do. And I did not want to give it up. I had plans. I had dreams. I was going to write things that would make people amazed. I was going to earn respect as a writer. I was going to have things I could hold up as accomplishments.
But the messages came fast and strong. “No success can compensate for failure in the home.” “Your kids need you here.” “Put it down.” “Trust me.” And so piece by piece I did. I stopped attending writers’ group. I stopped pushing to draft a novel. I stopped posting in forums to make sure that people knew my name and face. I cried and wept and gnashed my teeth until I reached a mental place where I could honestly say “Thy will be done.”
And then the storm was over. Now I can see clearly what I could not before. It is not the writing that was the problem, it was the pride and ambition. I wanted measurable success as a writer. I wanted recognition from others. My desire for those things was distorting my writing and my life. For almost a year I’ve planned to write a book for Link, but it has been held up because I wanted to write something that was also good enough for publication. I see now that as I built plans and dreams, the book stopped being for Link and started being something that I wanted. Other projects and plans were similarly pulled off course. It is not the projects themselves that were a problem, but the motivations that were driving them too hard and too fast in the wrong direction.
My situation is different than other writers I know. I already live a lifestyle that allows both Howard and I to be at home. We already pay our bills with creative efforts. Someone who is seeking such a lifestyle needs recognition. They need to be business oriented and focused. They need to be promoting themselves and putting themselves forward. We do many of these things for Howard and Schlock Mercenary. We need these things to bring in money to pay the bills. But now I know that is not my personal path. I am already living a dream that many people long for. It would be foolish of me to jeopardize it because I want more attention for myself. I will still write, but I need to write as inspiration leads me. More importantly, I need to let writing lay idle while I tend to other things.
If I want my life to be truly joyful, then my life can not be about me. A thread that skips over the surface of a weave is very visible, but the threads that give strength to the fabric are the ones that are rarely seen because so many other threads weave around them. My life needs to be about building bonds, and helping others, and being helped, and learning together, and growing together. I want to be pleased with a whole fabric that I helped build, rather than only having my own little thread that I worked hard to make showy and shiny.