A conversation with a voice in my head
You’re giving up your dreams. You lost yourself before, you’re going to do it again.
No I’m not. Having a stable family and a well run home is every bit as much my dream as being a published author. It would be foolish of me to neglect the dream I have, to chase one that I may not be able to obtain. Besides, I have time later, when the kids are older, when this dream has changed, that I can chase other dreams.
You are trapped. You are burdened by hundreds of daily tasks which bore you. You are not free.
Is anyone really? I suppose it is theoretically possible to be free of obligations to others, but most of us are wrapped firmly in a web of interdependency. I stand at the center of a family. I am so wrapped with strings that I must be careful of my movements lest I warp the whole web. But this is MY web. The design is mine and it is beautiful. I do not want a hole in the middle of this beautiful weaving.
But what about that poem, Millie’s Mother’s Red Dress? You’re becoming that mother. The one whose children grow up to be louts because mother never did a single thing for herself. You have to make time for you.
I find it interesting that even taking time for myself becomes something that I do for the good of the children. Apparently not even “time for me” is really just mine. I do take time for myself, both for my sanity and for the benefit of the children. I have little slices of time many times daily. I will not be greedy and stomp my feet wishing for more. Instead I will be patient knowing that there will be the occasional day where I can have my fill. Too much time for myself leaves too many things which are important to me undone.
What about your gift? Your writing can not reach out and help others if you never write.
True. But despite my shift in focus, I haven’t exactly stopped writing. Mostly I’ve been writing blog entries, but that’s still words written. I’m submitting a story for publication tomorrow. I’ve got an outline for a story for next week. Biggest of all, I’m pressing forward with the publication of Hold on to Your Horses. By April I will have a book that I wrote in my hands. The writing isn’t exactly languishing now is it?
But you should…
No. We’re done now. I have better things to do than wallow and fret.