Accepting feelings
I have been very concerned lately about the relationship between my two daughters. Kiki thinks that Gleek is rude and annoying. Gleek thinks that Kiki is just mean. This makes me sad. I want them to be friends. I want them to find joy in being sisters. I know that it is very common for siblings to squabble while growing up, but then be great friends as adults. That’s the pattern I had with my older sister. But I still feel like they are missing out right now.
So today I tackled the problem. I have a marvelous parenting book “How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk.” I decided to take chapter one “accepting feelings” and teach it to our family. The idea is that in order to really communicate with someone else, you have to accept how they feel even if you wish they felt differently. This acceptance opens the path to further conversations. I don’t know how much the kids absorbed, but the concepts have been introduced. It is a start.
After the lesson was over, I realized that the biggest offender on the “not accepting feelings” count, is me. I don’t want Kiki to grouch and Gleek, so I jump in and explain why Kiki should be tolerant. Or I jump in and make Kiki stop. I do everything but listen and accept because I don’t want to accept that my daughters annoy each other. The honest truth is that there is only so much that I can do to improve their relationship. In the end they are the ones who will make it good or bad. I have to accept my lack of control and only make myself accountable for the things I can do. And one of the things I can do is stop reacting defensively and start really listening to what my daughters feel about each other.