On into February

January was a difficult month for me. I kept things upbeat in this journal because the stories we tell ourselves shape what we believe to be true. Nothing I wrote in the journal was untrue, I just left out the darker, more discouraging bits. I did this in conversations as well; trying to will myself into happiness and contentment. I still haven’t pinned down why January was difficult. Perhaps it was the deliberate change in our family schedule. Perhaps it was the extra tasks attendant on creating and shipping more merchandise which compressed free time right out of my days. Perhaps it was just midwinter blues. Perhaps it was some stage-of-life thing that goes with turning thirty-five. Whatever the reason, I ended most of my days feeling like a failure or oppressed by the schedule ahead. Good things did not make me as happy as they should have, bad things made me more discouraged than they should.

January is now over. I have a shiny new month. It is still a winter month, but it is a short one and it is the only one left between me and spring weather. I crave flowers, the smells of spring. I finally found a potted hyacinth in bloom. I bought it and it now sits and wafts the smell of spring through my house. It speaks directly to my back brain, reminding me that winter is not forever.

This next month is also full of things. All the months between now and August are full of things, but I just need to manage one month at a time. This month I need to ship files for Hold on to Your Horses to China for printing. I need to prepare promotional materials for Hold Horses. I need to help sell and ship Schlock t-shirts. I need to attend LTUE and be on a couple of panels there. I need to do layout on The Teraport Wars. And I need to plan a big party for Howard’s Fortieth birthday. These are all cool things. Right now I feel excited and anticipatory about them. I just hope I can hold onto that so that they stay delights rather than burdens.

Today I spoke with a neighbor and was telling her about Hold on to Your Horses and the steps we have left to get it printed and promoted. She sighed, patted her 8 month pregnant stomach, and said “It must be nice to finally have time to chase a dream. With three little ones I hardly know what mine are anymore.” I sat dumbstruck for a moment, realizing that I am not just chasing a dream, but grabbing it and putting it into my pocket. And the dream is not alone in there. I’ve got a pocketful. I’ve spent the last month treating my dreams like they were chores. This month I want to feel the wonder and the joy that is my life.