Sometimes I have to be the enemy
Kiki has been struggling in her German class. Her solution to the struggle was to quit trying. That “F” grade hurts a whole lot less if she knows it came because she gave up. I honestly don’t care whether she ever learns German, but I feel it is critically important for her to learn to keep trying even if the going is rough. So many academic things come easily to Kiki that she doesn’t know how to struggle to learn. She shies away from the struggle and the pain because she has “already had enough pain in her life.” (Her pains include having stitches twice, suffering carpal tunnel in one arm for a few weeks, and being in the middle of two fights between friends.)
I spent an hour this evening talking, lecturing, conversing, storytelling. All of it was aimed at trying to make Kiki understand why giving up is not acceptable in this case. I don’t require her to succeed. I don’t require an “A” grade. She just needs to try as hard as she can and we’ll be happy with whatever grade is the result. Even if that grade is a failing one. At the end of the hour Kiki was still arguing with me, declaring that she just didn’t see any purpose for German in her life. At that point I realized that all the explaining in the world was not going to teach her the lesson she needs. I stopped explaining and simply required her to do 15 minutes of German study at the kitchen table where I could see it before she did anything else. She sulked, but she did it.
Once the study was done, I announced to Kiki that if she chooses to give up, to not try, then I will be forced to conclude that she has not yet learned the lesson that she needs from German and I will re-arrange her schedule for next year so that she has to take it again instead of the fun classes that she had picked out. If she really tries for the rest of the year, then she never has to take German again for all I care. Let me tell you this is not a consequence that I want to apply. I dread applying it. It would make me her enemy for an entire school year. But my dread of applying it is why I will probably never have to. I am now thoroughly motivated to make sure that she does her German study on a daily basis. I would much rather be the enemy for two months than for a full 14 until the end of next year. Hopefully the consequence will motivate her as well, and I won’t have to get in her face every single time to make sure the work gets done.
I don’t like getting strict with my kids. I don’t like having to say “you’ll do it because I said so.” I like reasoning with them and helping them see. But sometimes a child simply can not see and I have to lay down the law. I have to be strict and apply rules that seem stupid to the kids. Then I am the enemy and I don’t like it. But if I do not do it, then I am not doing my best for the welfare of my kids. I hope Kiki can like me again tomorrow.