Kiki has been struggling in her German class. Her solution to the struggle was to quit trying. That “F” grade hurts a whole lot less if she knows it came because she gave up. I honestly don’t care whether she ever learns German, but I feel it is critically important for her to learn to keep trying even if the going is rough. So many academic things come easily to Kiki that she doesn’t know how to struggle to learn. She shies away from the struggle and the pain because she has “already had enough pain in her life.” (Her pains include having stitches twice, suffering carpal tunnel in one arm for a few weeks, and being in the middle of two fights between friends.)
I spent an hour this evening talking, lecturing, conversing, storytelling. All of it was aimed at trying to make Kiki understand why giving up is not acceptable in this case. I don’t require her to succeed. I don’t require an “A” grade. She just needs to try as hard as she can and we’ll be happy with whatever grade is the result. Even if that grade is a failing one. At the end of the hour Kiki was still arguing with me, declaring that she just didn’t see any purpose for German in her life. At that point I realized that all the explaining in the world was not going to teach her the lesson she needs. I stopped explaining and simply required her to do 15 minutes of German study at the kitchen table where I could see it before she did anything else. She sulked, but she did it.
Once the study was done, I announced to Kiki that if she chooses to give up, to not try, then I will be forced to conclude that she has not yet learned the lesson that she needs from German and I will re-arrange her schedule for next year so that she has to take it again instead of the fun classes that she had picked out. If she really tries for the rest of the year, then she never has to take German again for all I care. Let me tell you this is not a consequence that I want to apply. I dread applying it. It would make me her enemy for an entire school year. But my dread of applying it is why I will probably never have to. I am now thoroughly motivated to make sure that she does her German study on a daily basis. I would much rather be the enemy for two months than for a full 14 until the end of next year. Hopefully the consequence will motivate her as well, and I won’t have to get in her face every single time to make sure the work gets done.
I don’t like getting strict with my kids. I don’t like having to say “you’ll do it because I said so.” I like reasoning with them and helping them see. But sometimes a child simply can not see and I have to lay down the law. I have to be strict and apply rules that seem stupid to the kids. Then I am the enemy and I don’t like it. But if I do not do it, then I am not doing my best for the welfare of my kids. I hope Kiki can like me again tomorrow.
I dunno if this will help any, but feel free to pass this along as well.
Language gets infinately harder to pick up the later in life you try to learn. I was in 7th grade when I finally had access to foreign language classes, and I’d picked German. I didn’t do well, and after a couple of years I stopped taking the classes, and moved on.
One of the greatest regrets I will always carry with me, for the rest of my life, is that I never obtained a functional command of German. Not fluency, mind you, just the ability to read and understand most of what I might hear.
I enjoyed having that dinner with Howard and Kiki. She’s a smart, well behaved kid. One I would be THRILLED if any kid of mine emulated n those respects. I dunno if my opinion of her matters to her, or if having eaten with me makes any sort of difference, but I would just like to pass on that while right now she sees no use for it (and she is right, what use DOES she have for it), in time she’ll really regret not having worked harded to pick it up. Sometimes the learning of a thing is far, far more important than why you’re learning it.
I mean, who learns stuff like caligraphy with practical uses in mind? Or even and instrument? It’s just knowing that you can use that skill that is the joyful thing.
Why do you keep calling yourself “the enemy”?
You are her mother and deeply care about her, even if she doesn’t realize this now, she will later. Being her parent, her mother is much more important that being her friend. My co-workers tell me all the time about, too young parents who say “if my dad/mom had cared more I wouldn’t be here” or “they always did that and I never learned to.” She has caring parents, she needs to make her own mistakes and to deal with the consequences of the actions that lead to those mistakes. Learning this lessons now are much easier to cope with than later in life.
Keep doing the good work!
This I understand. 🙂 I don’t think she *really* believes she is the enemy, just that Kiki may perceive her that way when she puts her foot down. But you are right about all of the above. 🙂
My consolation prize and slight motivation for continuing Spanish classes in Middle school was simply that I would be able to call my brothers names in another language. “Ugly sack of horse manure” was my favorite.
I am happy to at least be able to read and understand a good 70% of what I hear and see.
You never know what use things will be. I studied French in secondary school for 2 years, which came in handy some years later when I lived in France for a few months. At school, I had no idea I would be living in France.
I didn’t get the option of studying German, it clashed with other things I wanted to study and in that school, then, you only got limited choice – I couldn’t, for example, have traded Eng. Lit., a subject I wasn’t especially bothered about, for German, say. Not that I would have, at that time, I had no idea that now, 20+ years down the line, I’d be importing stuff from Germany for my business and it would be rather handy to have a bit of German language.
So, if you like, pass on the gist of that to Kiki – you can’t see the future, and while studying German now seems a waste of time, it might well come in handy one day.
And, too, I totally understand academic stuff at high-school level being easy. That’s how it was for me, and I was totally lazy through most of 5 years from 11 through 16. Then it came back to bite me when I stayed to do “A” levels (no idea what the US equivalent is, exams you do at age 18) – the study required for those was much harder and by then I’d got the idea that this education stuff was a breeze, and I didn;t need to work at it. So learning to work at something to achieve success at her age is a VERY valuable lesson.
And I’m glad you’re friends again.
None of use wants to apear mean to our children, but some time you have to do what they need instead of What they want.
Ona