Day: March 21, 2008

Howard and I are extremely fortunate. We manage to pay all our bills on the income from a creative endeavor. This is joyful for us, and inspiring for others. I can not count the number of times that people have spoken with Howard or I to tell us that our success gives them hope for their own dreams. I’m glad that we are cause for hope. I love feeling like we are adding something good to the world. But each of these conversations has a hidden accompaniment. Inside my head is a voice that whispers “What if you don’t get to keep it? What if your endeavors crash and burn? What will that do to all these people who have looked to your success with hope in their eyes?”

Howard hears this voice too. We talk about it sometimes. These conversations come when the lurking fear has been particularly loud, when money is running low, when visits to the Schlock site are down. Then Howard and I stand in the kitchen, afraid. We are afraid because our success is not completely in our control. No matter how hard we work, all of our income is dependent upon the goodwill and interest of others. Usually Howard and I take turns being afraid. One fears, while the other comforts and reassures. The days when the lurking fear runs rampant in both of us, are very dark days.

I think this is one of the reasons that Howard and I work so hard. We keep trying to build a structure strong enough to banish the lurking fear forever. I don’t know if it can be done. And if it can, I have another voice that wonders if the comfort will cause us to lose the edge. If, in the end, we will discover that the lurking fear is our greatest asset rather than our biggest enemy. If our reactions to the lurking fear are part of what defines who we are. Or perhaps that is just the lurking fear speaking, trying not to be banished forever by making me afraid of succeeding too well. I fully intend to take my chances with succeeding too well if I can get there.

Until then we just have to go on working hard, and hoping, and trying not to listen to lurking fear.

Spring sunlight streams hope through my kitchen window. I used to love all seasons equally. That is no longer true. I no longer like Winter. I like some winterish things, but the season as a whole weighs me down. The harder the Winter, the more I delight in the coming of Spring. This Spring is still colder than I’d like, we still freeze almost every night, but the sun carries some warmth now. Even better, my Spring bulbs have emerged and some are even starting to bloom. It makes me want to get outside.

Unfortunately while the advent of Spring lifts my spirits, it doesn’t make my schedule any less busy. So I look wistfully out my windows as I pass. I did get outside one day this week, but then I remembered that next week is my trip to Ad Astra in Toronto Canada and there are approximately a million things I want to get done before I go. About half of those things have to do with actually cleaning up my house so that it will be nice to come back to. Fortunately Kiki has panned a sleep over with friends for this evening. The festivities are contingent upon her helping me get everything clean and ready. Kiki is an excellent worker when she is motivated.