One of the things that fascinated me at Ad Astra was watching the dynamics of conversations. I had plenty of chances because the whole weekend was filled with them, whether they were the formalized conversations of a panel discussion, or the informal conversations that occurred spontaneously in the hallways. I was paying particular attention to how conversations are born, grow, break-up, or die because I have not always been good at it. I still remember being at a convention in April of 2005 and fleeing to my room in tears because I didn’t know how to talk to strangers when Howard was not around. I’ve learned a lot since then. I’m still not an expert, but I want to sort some of my thoughts and see if I can make sense of it all.
One thing that I’ve learned about people is that everyone has stories to tell, even if they don’t think that they’re interesting. All you have to do is find the right opener and people start to spill stories. Each story usually contains several further openers. I grab them and mentally hold on to them in case the conversation should flag later and I need a new direction. I’ve had lots of conversations with amazing people who didn’t think they were very special. They felt ordinary, but they’d done things I have not, and it was delightful to listen as they spoke about it.
Conversations are very much like living things. They have to be nurtured and they can be killed by unskilled handling. A key element in being a good conversationalist is know what not to say. I’m not just talking about faux pas, but also about simple thoughts and possible threads for conversation. My rule of thumb is to divide my thoughts by the number of people participating in the conversation. If there are two people, then I only going to get to say half of the things I think of to say. If there are three, then I only going to get to say about one thought out of three. Like any rule of thumb, this is very flexible. In a conversation between five people, two may dominate the conversation for awhile, but as the topic drifts the other three may have more to say.
Dominance in conversation is a topic unto itself. There are some people who will take control of almost any conversation that they enter. This can be either enjoyable or frustrating depending on if you enjoy listening to the dominant person. Several times during the weekend I noticed guests of honor holding “court.” This would generally be a larger conversation of 5-10 people, but the famous person did most of the talking. This kind of conversation occurs when most of the participants are in awe of one particular participant. Then everyone seems content to just listen to whatever that one person has to say. I pointed out the phenomenon to Howard, he nodded and said that he “holds court” sometimes too. Howard is very much an entertainer in conversations. He stands right up and fills the conversation with stories and anecdotes, virtually guaranteeing that the conversation won’t flag. My conversational style is different. I have my own share of stories and anecdotes, but I almost prefer getting other people to talk so that I can just listen. Listening is far less exhausting than talking. This tendency of mine is part of the reason I was so socially dependent on Howard for so many years. If I was with him I was guaranteed to have someone who would keep conversations from devolving into awkward silence. I’m pleased to say that I was not dependent on Howard for conversational help at Ad Astra. I talked to lots of people and enjoyed doing it.
As is typical in almost any social situation, there were conversations that did not interest me, or that I was otherwise interested in ducking out of. There is an art to gracefully ending or leaving a conversation, particularly if there are only two people involved. I’m not sure I have this one down yet, but I’m starting to see how it works. I’m also starting to see how to introduce people to each other and help them strike up a conversation. These are extremely useful hostessing skills. We expect to be doing book release parties for years to come and I’m going to need lots of hostessing skills to make that work well.
I’ve had friends accuse me of ‘holding court’ at conventions… but my conversation style is a lot like yours (I’d rather listen most of the time) so I don’t see how….
I should like to go on the record with regards to “holding court.”
There are times when I do it, and there are times when I do not. In casual conversation, I do not — it’s not called for, and it can be offensive.
At conventions, or in other places where I’m supposed to “be Howard Tayler, eFamous WebCartoonist,” I often will hold court, dominating the conversation, but steering it in such a way that others are invited to participate, without feeling pressured unduly if they do not.
It’s hard to describe the measure of concentration required to pull this off. It’s hard work, but it’s worth it. I always remind myself that no matter how “famous” or “powerful” I may become, other people are every bit as important, and should be treated that way.
Excellent clarification. Thanks!
Sandra
Thank you for this very perceptive article. For the first time I can see why I am a failed conversationalist! It is a little late (60 years!) for me to reform but I can try. I am very good at killing conversations stone dead!
Roger