Defensiveness
All this past year I drove in a carpool to take Patch and three of his friends to preschool. It was nice having to only make the trip once per week. It was less nice that one of the kids regularly informed me that I should clean out my van. I felt mad every single time. I found myself wanting to argue, to explain, to scold. I did not because the child is five. Tact is not something kids understand at that age. I’ve thought about this since the event and I realized something. I was reacting defensively. I wanted to either explain why my car was such a mess or explain why he should not make comments like that. But the big realization was why I was reacting defensively. I reacted defensively because a part of me believed that he was right, that I should take more time to clean out the van. If I had not agreed with him, then his comments would not have bothered me at all. I started observing other instances of defensiveness and this seemed to hold true in all of them. People get defensive when part of them agrees with the person they are defending against.
This is a very useful insight into defensiveness. People who feel defensive will either entrench to defend or go on the attack to distract. A frontal assault may force a concession, but the price is often too high. If I instead meet defensiveness with a retreat on my part that includes sympathy, the defenses may be abandoned and what was potentially a war becomes a conversation. It is even more useful for me looking inward. When I feel defensive, I can now look inside to figure out what part of what they said I agree with. I can then figure out where I’m not living up to my own standards and decide whether to address the issue or let it go.
In the case of the dirty van, I chose to let it go. The inside of my van is a big mess because I am choosing to spend my energy on other things. If it bothers me what other people think about the inside of my vehicle, then I need to move cleaning up on the priority list so that it gets done. Either way there is no need to be angry at a little boy who was merely making an observation with no intention to offend.