Day: June 8, 2008

My nephew stayed with us all last week. Nephew is just six months older than Link, so they were buddies all week long. You’d think that adding a child to my four wouldn’t cause that big an impact, but it does. He was like a pebble thrown into the pond, causing ripples in the patterns of our lives. Some of the ripples made my life far easier. He is a very easy going child and was willing to play with anyone who was around. So while Link was in Summer school, Nephew was marvelous at keeping Gleek and Patch entertained. Other ripples made my life more difficult. Nephew slept on an air mattress on the floor of the boy’s room. I did not want the mattress popped, so I had to deflate it each morning, then re-inflate it at bedtime. I also had to negotiate who could sleep on the the queen sized mattress with Nephew, because sleeping on an air mattress is way cooler than sleeping in a bed. Both Link and Patch took turns sharing with Nephew. Gleek did not because Nephew was uncomfortable sharing the mattress with a girl. But she did get to sleep on the floor in the same room for a couple of sleepover nights.

Now Nephew is gone and those new ripples have dispersed leaving calm. The normal patterns of interactions have returned. I thought about it on the long drive to return Nephew to his parents. I played “what if” pondering how one would go about adding children to an established familial pattern. What if Nephew and his siblings somehow became my responsibility permanently. I would take them all if it were necessary, even though it would give me a household with nine children in it. We’d need a bigger house. That would be a totally different experience than a visit for a week. Instead of enduring a short-term disturbance I would instead be working to create entirely new permanent patterns. I would have to find ways to parent children who have never had me in that role before. I thought about Nephew and all the little things that I could let slide because I’m not his mother. As his aunt I don’t have to care if he leaves his clothes on the floor or if he doesn’t ever want to read. If I were his parent those would be battlegrounds I would have to face.

I know people who have to face this sort of challenge every day. They have agreed to love and parent children who are not biologically theirs. My brother and his wife are foster parents. Some friends of ours have adopted a dozen children of various ages and national origin. Other friends have married a spouse who already had kids. This last category is possibly the toughest because the patterns must allow for the biological parent to still be involved and cause ripples. I admire all these people. They undertake daily a task I have never had to do. The day may come when I take on the task of parenting a child who is not biologically mine, but until that day I’ll just watch these people with awe.