Stirring my brain to see what’s in here
This Summer has been an odd mix of wonderful relaxation and too much to do. It is rather like swimming in a reservoir where there are pockets of hot and cold water. Today things are running hot. My head is full of a hundred things. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like a tiny fish in a publishing world that is populated by whales. Only this little fish has 1889 books stashed in her garage that she needs to sell. There are many possible pathways to take, but they all involve me getting out there in the deep water with those big fishes. It is scary.
More worrisome, is how much of my brain space is being taken up by book promotion. This is Summer. The kids are home. I should be planning outings with them, helping them keep reading, taking them to the library. Instead I have been throwing food in front of them and then dashing back to my office to get work done. I need to slow it down. I need to take more time for family things, but I am afraid to. I am afraid that if I don’t keep scrambling, the publishing will fail.
Ah. There is the problem. I am being driven by fear. It is not that I lack for time, it is that fear pushes business to invade the spaces that are for family. So what am I afraid of? Failure. I am afraid that I won’t be able to fulfill the commitments I made to Angela. I’m afraid that she will be disappointed about the performance of the project. I’m afraid that my project will languish and I will have to face the fact that it was a vanity project rather than something saleable. Are these fears realistic? Somewhat, but running is circles today is not going to prevent any of the fears from being realized. What will keep the fears from being true is if I put forth a steady consistent effort. If I can just keep going, keep blogging, keep promoting, then it will all work.
If I can banish the fear, have a little faith in myself and in the quality of the project, then I can stretch out and enjoy this summer while it is here. It will be gone all too soon. Then there will be Fall with its imposed schedules and demands. To paraphrase Ferris Bueller: My life seems to rush by me lately. I need to stop and look around more often. I don’t want to miss it.