Day: July 30, 2008

My late night night post about fear helped me realize that much of my fear about the kids was based in the fact that for 10 days I will not be there for them. I’ve selected some responsible adults to stand in my place, but it is not the same. This morning I took a quiet moment and spoke with Gleek. The timing was opportune. She had things she had been worrying about that she hadn’t been saying. She was worrying about death and the relatives that she will never get to meet. She cried over Howard’s parents and my grandfather. I held her close and told her what stories I could about these people. I also shared with her my beliefs about death and how life goes on afterward. This is a familiar conversation to me. There seems to be some brain development around the age seven and a half which opens up worlds of new comprehension. Kiki and Link both sat in my lap at similar ages and cried over similar things. Like Link, Gleek expressed a wish that she could stay a kid forever. She wants to always climb trees and grown ups don’t do that. She is beginning to comprehend that to be grown up is to change and the person she is now will be gone. I grieve with her. I like the person she is now. However I also understand that we can not be frozen in time. We are not like Peter Pan. The very fact that Gleek fears growing up, shows that she has already begun. I rejoice in her new understanding even while sympathizing with her fears.

The conversation moved onward to the fact that she is going to be away from me. We talked about exactly how this will happen, the stages of her trip. I talked about the fun she is going to have. Then I expressed concern that I would not be there for her when she was feeling sad. She curled up small in my lap. “I want you to be there mommy.” She paused a moment, then added. “But I can go to Grandma.” It was important for us to confront the problem and for Gleek to have a plan. Then she and I decided that it would help if I put together some packages of fun things that she could open when she feels sad. Gleek liked this idea and was ready for me to pack them up right now. Instead I fed her breakfast. Then when she skipped off to play with a friend, I went shopping at the dollar store.

For young children the dollar store is a glorious feast of shiny things that they can afford to buy. I filled my basket with little things. Most of them are either little games or activities that can be shared, or art supplies. I made sure to get some things for my niece as well, since she will be traveling with Gleek and Patch. I don’t want her to feel left out. I also hit Barnes & Noble and got each of them a new book. I brought the things home and began to wrap them. Things that are wrapped are much more exciting than things which are not. I used brown packing paper for the wrapping because I have an abundance of it. Whenever I see a brown paper package I think of the song “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music. It was apropos to this situation because the song is all about feeling better when you’re scared or sad. Since we’d watched the movie recently, I know the kids will remember the song. I grabbed string and tied up all the packages. Now when the kids feel sad, they can get out one of the brown paper packages tied up with strings. They can know that mom sent it just for them. Many of these packages may come home still wrapped. That’s okay too, because it means that the kids did not need them. The point is the package was there if they did need it.

It may be silly, but I already feel better.