Living the cliche

You may have noticed that I’ve been stressed about preparing for Worldcon. After the brown paper packages I felt much better about the kid stuff. I felt even better after talking to my mom and realizing that her plans for my kids are perfectly crafted to my kids’ interests, capabilities, and idiosyncrasies. They are going to have a great time.

I was still nervous about Worldcon itself though. I worried about meeting all those people. I worried about feeling out of place and provincial. I was feeling all of these things as I left to run some last minute errands. One of the things I needed to buy was a new pair of comfortable shoes. I’m going to be on my feet a lot at the convention. My old comfortable shoes are technically still wearable, but they’re in that gray area just beyond shabby and prior to catastrophic failure. I knew I could not feel professional while wearing shoes that are older than half of my children. While I was in the clothing store, I thought I might look around and see if there was a new shirt that I liked. There wasn’t. The current trends in clothing are not at all my style, even though I often admire them on others. So I was spared the expense of new clothing.

But Target had a clearance aisle full of shoes. I found a pair of shoes that look nice and make my feet feel like I tucked them into bed. I also found a pair of dress-casual shoes and a pair of dressy shoes. I bought all three pairs. The last time I bought myself new shoes was…last summer when I had a convention to attend. Hmm. Twice can be a coincidence, right? I don’t want to think of myself as a woman who staves off her insecurities with shoe purchases. It isn’t like I have a closet full of shoes. Really. Prior to last summer’s convention shoes, I hadn’t bought shoes for nigh on 4 years.

All rationalizations aside, I can not deny the fact that prior to the purchase of the shoes I was nervous and anxious. After the purchase of the shoes I can picture myself being confident, well-dressed, and professional. The difference of course is not in the shoes, but in how I feel about my presentation of myself. I could possibly have come to the same emotional place by carefully planning my wardrobe from things I already have. Or maybe not, because the new shoes fill in gaps that I’ve been working around for a long time.

Sigh. I just need to accept that fashion matters to me and that I feel better about myself when I’m dressed well. Fortunately for our budget, my definition of “dressed well” includes second-hand clothing and clearance shoes from Target.