Day: August 28, 2008

Howard frequently brings things home from conventions. Some things are free, others we pay for. Some things I’m excited about. Some I’m indifferent to. And then there was the sock doll zombie. Howard thought the zombie was very cool and clever. He bought it and brought it home to share.

I have a thing about zombies. They are just wrong. And creepy. And gooey. I think my reaction to all things zombie has to do with my inability to disconnect the subconscious sympathy I have for wounds. Zombies always have wounds and part of my brain can’t stop staring and thinking “Look at that! His arm is falling off. Ouch. Ow. Ow. Ow. Don’t let that happen to my arm. Better tuck the arms closer in. Ick! That one has a big hole in her head. Ouch. Ow. Ow. Ow. Better bring my head in closer too. Just to be sure.” And so part of my brain tries to get me to curl up into a ball to protect my various limbs. Another part of my brain is arguing that zombies are fiction and I shouldn’t take this so seriously. A completely non-verbal part of my brain processes the fact that I seem to have actual twinges of phantom pain radiating from the same places on my body as the wounds of the zombie. It is all very dissonant and fairly unpleasant, so I avoid all things zombie.

Then there was the sock doll. It was definitely a zombie complete with mottled green skin and wounds that made me twinge. Yet it was still somehow…cute. It was cute and zombie. My head fairly filled with dissonances while I looked at it. So I stopped looking at it. Which was difficult because Howard was showing it to Kiki. They both found it very funny watching me flinch if the doll got too close to me. I’m afraid I disappointed Howard because I could not like his cute little stuffed zombie. In fact I did not want it where I might accidentally see it. So Howard took his zombie to Dragon’s Keep to be properly appreciated. I thought that was the end of it.

Today I was vanless because of repairs, but I needed to have a vehicle. So I drove Howard down to Dragon’s Keep. Patch had to come along with us. As we were packing everything into the car, Howard tossed the Zombie doll from the trunk into the back seat. I paid no attention until half way to Dragon’s Keep when Howard and I became aware that Patch had developed a whole game of beating up this zombie doll. Then Patch tossed the doll over the back of the seat because he was done with it. Again I thought we were done, until Patch asked for a retrieval of the doll for the return trip. Then when we came home, Patch did not want to leave the zombie in the car. In fact the thought of abandoning the poor zombie in the car had Patch nigh on to tears.
“What are you going to do with the zombie?” I asked, picturing myself explaining to friends of parents why my son is playing with a zombie.
“I’ll just put him on Daddy’s bed.”

So the zombie came into the house and was deposited on “Daddy’s bed” which is also MY bed. I was very careful not to look at the doll. If I don’t look, the dissonances stay away. But there was a zombie lurking in my room. All afternoon.

Then at bedtime Kiki decided to read while laying on my bed. She found the zombie and gave it back to Patch. I think she didn’t want it looking at her while she read. Patch hugged the zombie close and took him to bed. But I think that Patch was not entirely comfortable with the zombie either, because after a few minutes he got back out of bed. He carried the little zombie over to me and shoved it right up against my face.
“What are you doing?” I tried not to yelp the words, not sure if I succeeded.
“He likes you.” Patch assured me. “He wants to be with you.” I looked at the boy, who was adorable. I tried not to look at the zombie, even though it was cute. Then I let the boy sit the zombie next to me before he trotted back to bed. The moment Patch turned to walk away, I picked up the zombie and put it face down so that it would stop looking at me.

So I’m sitting here, next to a zombie doll, blogging. This is not what I expected when I signed up for the mother gig.

“Is my child normal?” is a question that every parent asks at least once. Most parents ask the question a multitude of times over a multitude of topics. Oh and multiply the number of times you ask the question by the number of children you parent. The hard part about this question is that parents can not usually answer this question without the help of an outside source. We must compare with other parents, check with the pediatrician, search the internet, to find our answers. The outside help is necessary because whether or not the behavior/trait/thing is normal in the general population, it is subjectively normal to the parent and the child. Most of the time the answer to the query is a reassuring “Yes, that is completely normal.” Sometimes the answer is “No.” Then begins a process of learning, accepting, and changing which can range from mild to life-altering.

I remember when I took 2 1/2 year old Link for some developmental assessment tests. I’d scheduled the tests because I had a niggling feeling that his lack of speech was not normal. I’d already done the informal observational poll of other children his age. I really expected to be told that I was worrying over nothing and that Link was fine. Instead I was told that I was right to be concerned. Link had significant developmental delays which needed addressed. Thus began 8 years of working with Link and working with Link’s teachers to make sure that his needs were being addressed. I was very fortunate that at every step those teachers were willing partners rather than adversaries. Some parents have to do battle for their kids. People who meet Link today have no clue that here is a boy who needed extra help, because he no longer does. He isn’t even on medication for ADD anymore. He’s at or above grade level in all his subjects. He’s learning that he has a knack for memorization. He’s friendly and if you get him going on a topic that interests him, he will chatter non-stop. So many of the things that I feared for him have not materialized. He is a happy, normal 10 year old boy. But I don’t think this Link would exist, if we had not gotten a handle on his challenges earlier in his life.

The answer “No, this is not normal” is not a sentence dooming a child to a lifetime of abnormality. It is a call to action. It is often also a relief. It is good to know that you’re not crazy, not just imagining things. It means you can start figuring out exactly what the challenges are and what actions to take going forward. You can start to learn and find ways to cope. The best part is that as the kids get older, they become partners in the process. This is why Link is so normal today. We work together and have formed family habits that help him keep himself on track. He’s only 10, so I’m still actively participating to make sure that tasks get done, but I don’t have to hover the way that I used to. I love having kids who are old enough to think about how they think and then talk to me about it.