Normality

“Is my child normal?” is a question that every parent asks at least once. Most parents ask the question a multitude of times over a multitude of topics. Oh and multiply the number of times you ask the question by the number of children you parent. The hard part about this question is that parents can not usually answer this question without the help of an outside source. We must compare with other parents, check with the pediatrician, search the internet, to find our answers. The outside help is necessary because whether or not the behavior/trait/thing is normal in the general population, it is subjectively normal to the parent and the child. Most of the time the answer to the query is a reassuring “Yes, that is completely normal.” Sometimes the answer is “No.” Then begins a process of learning, accepting, and changing which can range from mild to life-altering.

I remember when I took 2 1/2 year old Link for some developmental assessment tests. I’d scheduled the tests because I had a niggling feeling that his lack of speech was not normal. I’d already done the informal observational poll of other children his age. I really expected to be told that I was worrying over nothing and that Link was fine. Instead I was told that I was right to be concerned. Link had significant developmental delays which needed addressed. Thus began 8 years of working with Link and working with Link’s teachers to make sure that his needs were being addressed. I was very fortunate that at every step those teachers were willing partners rather than adversaries. Some parents have to do battle for their kids. People who meet Link today have no clue that here is a boy who needed extra help, because he no longer does. He isn’t even on medication for ADD anymore. He’s at or above grade level in all his subjects. He’s learning that he has a knack for memorization. He’s friendly and if you get him going on a topic that interests him, he will chatter non-stop. So many of the things that I feared for him have not materialized. He is a happy, normal 10 year old boy. But I don’t think this Link would exist, if we had not gotten a handle on his challenges earlier in his life.

The answer “No, this is not normal” is not a sentence dooming a child to a lifetime of abnormality. It is a call to action. It is often also a relief. It is good to know that you’re not crazy, not just imagining things. It means you can start figuring out exactly what the challenges are and what actions to take going forward. You can start to learn and find ways to cope. The best part is that as the kids get older, they become partners in the process. This is why Link is so normal today. We work together and have formed family habits that help him keep himself on track. He’s only 10, so I’m still actively participating to make sure that tasks get done, but I don’t have to hover the way that I used to. I love having kids who are old enough to think about how they think and then talk to me about it.