Month: December 2008

Gleek plunked her purchase down on the counter and began carefully counting out $4.23. There were pennies involved and so this took a few minutes. Fortunately there was no line behind us and the checker was tolerant. More than tolerant, she was grandmotherly and rather charmed by the scene of a petite seven year old girl carefully counting out change. Money was handed over, then the cashier lifted the item to bag it. Her eye brows lifted as well. Gleek was carefully spending her own money on a wall patch. The cashier put two and two together.
“Doing a repair?” She asked.
“Yup.” Answered Gleek cheerfully. “I kicked a hole in the wall.”
The cashier smiled down at Gleek. “But you’re too little and cute to kick a hole in the wall.”
Gleek smiled back. “I’m cute, but I’m feisty when I’m mad.”

As Gleek skipped out of the store, I pondered whether being smiled and teased by a cashier constituted a reward for the behavior of making holes in walls. Fortunately I think that it is a reward for Gleek spending her own money to repair the damage done. She was sufficiently aghast and repentant earlier.
“I didn’t know walls were so weak mom!” she told me with wide teary eyes. “I’ll never break a wall again!”
I believe her. Gleek is very good at Not Doing That Again. We’re still working on the Not Doing That In The First Place. We’re also working on listening to Mom when she warns you not to pound the wall with your feet no matter how mad you are.

Gleek applied the patch herself. She was fascinated by the process and very pleased with the result. So now we have a patch on the wall going up the stairs. It is obviously a patch, but that is better than being obviously a hole in the wall. And I’m not really one to complain. The patch on Gleek’s hole is smaller and less noticeable than the patch in the front room where I kicked a hole in the wall 8 years ago. Gleek was quite happy to learn that Mom has also been guilty of overestimating the strength of plasterboard walls. And Gleek will now have to save up money again so she can take it to school and buy that pen she wanted. Forgetting to take the money to school was the cause of the tantrum in the first place, which makes it especially appropriate that the money had to be used to repair damage instead.

When Howard came home, Gleek showed him the patched spot. She was extremely pleased with her work. It was a sharp contrast to the red-eyed tearful girl who’d called her Daddy earlier, terrified that he would be mad at her. But she spoke bravely through her tears to tell him what she had done and what she planned to do to make it right. She was so glad to be able to demonstrate that she’d followed through on her commitment.

So the hole is mended and we take a deep breath, ready to move on to whatever comes next.

When I’m chasing a goal or a challenging task I get very focused. I get so focused that it is hard for me to remember to do things like make dinner, pick up kids from school, or change the loads of laundry. Part of the focus is because I want to complete the project before I get distracted. When lose momentum I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get back to work promptly. I’m much better about working steadily than I used to be, but I still have a tendency to marathon work. Part of the reason I’m better is that I’ve trained myself to install triggers in my brain to remind me of the things that I want/need to get done.

A trigger is a sensory reminder of a task that needs done. The classic example of this is the telephone ring. Pavlov must be laughing at all of us every time we drop what we’re doing to answer the phone. The telephone ring is auditory, but triggers can be visual, nasal, or touch based as well. I suppose you could have taste based triggers, but I’m trying to teach myself to eat less, not more, so I don’t use those. I use a timer beeping at 7:15 every night to remind me that I need to start bedtime for the kids. Every quarter the IRS sends me a report to fill out. When that report arrives, I know it is also time for me to fill out state reports and to send royalty checks. The pile of laundry I see at the bottom of the stairs reminds me to change loads in the machines.

Over the years I have accumulated a vast array of triggers. It has taken a lot of time and patience to set them up and teach my brain what they are for. It also takes time to disconnect a trigger once it is no longer needed, but that is easier because the process is aided by the natural tendency to do nothing unless I have to. The key is to connect a specific task with a specific trigger. The bedtime beeper works really well because it is the only beeping trigger I have. It would work less well if I used the beeper for a dozen different reminders all day. I would quickly become confused exactly what the beep was supposed to remind me of and I likely would slowly teach myself to ignore extraneous beeps. This is why I try to closely link to trigger to the task so that one leads naturally to the other. Time of day (as indicated by amount of daylight and general feel in the air) serve as triggers to get me cooking dinner. This trigger gets seriously thrown off twice per year at the daylight savings time switches, then I have to relearn for a couple of weeks. An alarm gets me out of bed. The note in my planner triggers me to prepare for an appointment. The homework paper laying on the counter triggers me to call that teacher. Sometimes I even turn my wedding ring around on my hand so the stone bothers my palm as a short term trigger; to remind me to make a phone call as soon as I’m done switching laundry for example. All of these triggers and many more help me keep track of tasks.

Triggers do not always work perfectly. If multiple triggers go off simultaneously I feel harried and stressed. Ever had the phone ring at the exact moment that someone knocks at both front and back doors while a child is shouting “mom”? I have. My brain froze for a moment while I sorted what to manage first. The more triggers I set in my brain, the more likely I am to have moments like that. Triggers can also create clutter. If I look at a planner page full of reminders, I can feel overwhelmed and not sure where to start. If I leave out a paper to remind me of tasks and then leave out three more papers to remind me of three other tasks, pretty soon my desk is covered in paper and I can’t find anything that I need to do. Also if my day is completely full of triggers, I can spend all day running around like a trained poodle, trying to respond to these commands I’ve set for myself.

Another problem is when a higher priority trigger interrupts a previously triggered task. Then I switch to the new task, but often forget to reset the trigger for the lower priority task. Then the task falls out of my brain completely and is forgotten, usually until it becomes urgent. Of late this has been the fate of laundry. Never done until someone runs out of underwear. This is also how my keys sometimes get lost. Usually walking in the front door triggers me to put my purse and keys in their assigned place (A basket near the front door.) But if something distracts me as I walk in, then the keys end up in one of two or three alternate locations (coat pocket, kitchen counter, telephone counter.) If the distraction is sufficiently unusual or urgent then the keys sometimes end up in very odd places (linen closet, bathroom counter) and it takes me considerable searching to find them.

I’m certain that I haven’t covered all the aspects of setting triggers in my brain. But writing this out has helped me to see where they are, how they work, and why they sometimes fail. Many of the triggers in my head are things to remind me to remind the kids to do stuff. Hopefully I can now apply this greater understanding toward setting some triggers in my kids’ brains so that they can remember to bathe, brush teeth, and pick up toys without me always having to require it. I need to shift some of these triggers from my head to theirs.

Yesterday I kept oscillating between believing it was a really good day and feeling like it was awful.

Good: We’ve had between 10-20 store orders per day over the last four days. This is very happy because it helps fund Christmas.

Bad: Discovering I made a couple of accounting errors which may affect some business partners. I’ve already fessed up and no one seems mad at me, but I don’t like letting other people down.

Good: Getting all of the shipping and accounting done in one day. Bills all paid with change left for the next round of bills.

Bad: Receiving a call from Link’s teacher because he can’t wrap his head around writing a paragraph about Thanksgiving break. The work gets sent home.

Good: Remembering to take Gleek to gymnastics on schedule. We forgot last week and it was a tragedy.

Sad: Hearing bad news about a neighbor’s relative.

Good: Having a pile of neighbor’s kids all over at the house at once. There was joyous chaos. It makes me happy to have neighbors who know they can send their kids to me and to whom I know I can send my kids.

Bad: Forcing Link through his mental block about the Thanksgiving paragraph. Also realizing that we aren’t doing enough to help him grow in the ways that he needs to.

Good: Once the block was breached, Link finished the assignment on his own very quickly.

Bad: My lower back started hurting mid afternoon and did not stop. I’ve no idea what triggered it.

Good: All the kids ate dinner without complaining even though the meal was based in cheese macaroni and tuna fish.

Bad: It was one of those evenings where some one gets hurt every two minutes or so. No sooner do we calm one set of tears when another wail emerges. The only solution was to get them all into bed.

Good: The advent candle that Howard’s sister brought to us. We burned through Dec 1st while reading bedtime stories.

Good: The kids have been much better about helping clean lately. This is largely due to Howard. The house is cleaner and the kids are happier/more confident because they can see how they are contributing to the household.

Good: Rearranging some of the chore/education patterns in our household so that they are more functional, and more evenly spread across both parents. This process is ongoing. Our task assignments are always shifting around as the patterns of our lives shift. Usually the life patterns shift first and it takes us awhile to figure out that task assignments need to be adjusted to match. Last night we identified a couple of small shifts that will make a big difference.

So the day had more good in it than bad, but I’m hoping today contains more steady-state good rather than swinging back and forth.