It had been a normal school morning, kids dawdling and my commands increasingly grouchy. I’d reached the point where Patch, Gleek, and Kiki were all in the car. Link was putting on his coat and I decided to take a second to throw some salt on the icy patch I’d slid on twice. I was in the garage when the screaming started. Parental ears are very good at picking out the different flavors of childhood screams, but like recognizing a voice on the phone, it takes a moment to figure out what you’re hearing. This was full-on shrieking panic from both Gleek and Kiki.
Time stretches in a crisis. In the next 10 seconds I:
Realized that although they were right next to me, they were on the other side of the closed garage door. The fastest route to get there was back through the house.
Wondered who I was going to need to scold because obviously someone had picked on another child.
Wondered if someone had somehow gotten smashed in a door or tangled in a seat belt.
Was met halfway through the house by Gleek shrieking that Patch was choking.
Ran out the front door.
I shouted “What’s wrong?!” uselessly.
Wondered how on earth Patch was choking and what he could possibly be choking on.
Realized that I was still holding the cup of salt.
Realized I was going to need both hands free.
Threw the salt at the icy patch as I ran past.
Tried to find the right balance between speed and not falling on my face.
Reached the car to find Patch and Kiki both crying in panic.
Patch was crying. This meant he could breathe. No heimlich necessary.
The next 5 minutes were spent attending primarily to Patch. He’d accidentally swallowed a hard candy (that I’d no idea he was even eating) and it got lodged in his throat. He panicked, which caused Kiki and Gleek to panic. Kiki had him half out of his seatbelt, ready to give him the heimlich, but she was afraid of hurting him and was not certain how to do it. The candy went down, but not before Patch gagged and threw up on himself. I took all the kids back into the house. The older three stood by while I helped Patch calm down and change clothes. As I was helping Patch, I also talked all the kids through the experience.
I told them that if someone is crying while they choke, that is good news because it means the choker can breathe.
I told them that the heimlich is most effective on cases where breathing is blocked completely.
I told them they had all done exactly right. I thanked Gleek for running to get me. I thanked Kiki for staying with Patch.
I explained about hard candies and why they’re not a good idea for small children.
Then I handed Patch off to Howard. Patch gets to miss school today. He was still too shaken to deal with going. The other three I took to school. We could spend all morning talking and debriefing and decompressing, but that would merely cement this in the kids’ minds as a Huge Traumatic Event. Much better for them if we just deal with the crisis, pass on useful information, and then continue as normal. That is part of Mommy crisis management. I always tamp down my emotional reactions until they won’t increase the upset of the kids. My tears came after the kids were all dropped at school and after I’d come home to find Patch sitting happily next to Howard and playing. That is when I take my time to cry a little and think all of those “what if” thoughts and say a prayer of gratitude that the crisis was minor.
I’m not sure when I learned to shunt my emotions aside as part of crisis management. It is a skill I’m grateful for. Learning to stop and feel those emotions later has been harder to learn. It seems a little silly to collapse after the crisis is over and everyone is already safe. But I guess I’m like Grandpa Smedry in the Alcatraz books. I arrive late to the emotional reaction, but I can’t skip it entirely.
Everyone is fine. And I am grateful for that.
I’m very glad everyone is okay. I imagine the adrenaline is still pumping?
I actually do the same thing in crisis-mode. Emotions come afterward, and they can hit pretty darn hard sometimes…
It’s like a different person takes over. No room for emotional reaction. It can wait. Brain shifts to an emergency system.
I only have one and I know what you mean.
Oz
Aside, Jim — You need to know that Sandra has been reading the Jig the Goblin trilogy to the kids every night as part of the bedtime routine, and they’re loving it.
Thank you for writing a great set of books.
My parents are nurses, but I don’t remember if I specifically heard it from them.
I heard that the Heimlich manoeuvre had been declared outdated, because it was no more effective than a thump on the back.
Just thought I’d let you know, because teaching the correct place to thump a back might be easier than the Heimlich.
I’m glad everyone is okay! I do the same thing in a crisis (at least when it involves the safety of my kids). The emotional reaction always comes right after the crisis is over, for me. A year ago, my 3-year-old split her lip and needed 5 stitches. I was fine and calm until she woke from the sedation. Then I had to sit down and cry. I hope the rest of Patch’s day is calm and fun!
Oooh! I wanna shake your hand for writing the Goblin books. Smudge is awesome!
Thank you! Smudge is a lot of fun, even if he’s kind of a one-trick spider 🙂 He actually has his own short story coming out in Gamer Fantastic later this year.
Thanks, Howard. That’s wonderful to hear.
You are really an amazing mother. O_O
I wonder if the “delayed emotional reaction” this is part of the learning parenting package. I noticed very early that my babies looked to me for cues as to how they should feel about experiences. I learned very quickly how to control my reactions.
Yes. I’ve been meaning to either email you or write a blog post about it. The kids have been enthralled. We’re just about to throw the spear at Straum.
“Brain shifts to an emergency system”
That is an excellent way to describe it. Information is definitely stored and processed differently. For example: I remember Gleek being in the house with me when she shouted about choking. But I also remember her telling me after I shouted. But I remember the shouting happening as I exited the house. One of these memories has to be inaccurate, but I have no idea which one.
Re: My parents are nurses, but I don’t remember if I specifically heard it from them.
Interesting. Thanks for passing that along.
The rest of Patch’s day has been very relaxing and fun. Everyone else had a pretty good day too.
Not sure what I did that was amazing, but thanks.
Calm in the face of the storm! The mindset to instruct without preaching, to correct the situation and calm them down while still teaching. I really don’t know how you mothers do it. 🙂 But it’s really, really good to see.
To quote from an insurance advert, you didn’t make a drama out of a crisis.
top marks for Kiki as well, for even having heard of a Heimlich manoeuvre, I’m darned sure I hadn’t at her age. And I guess she’d have tried something if she’d seen him start to turn blue. I’m guessing that without really rationalising at the time, she’d realised that Patch couldn’t have been making so much noise if he was really choking to death.
As for “bang on the back” vs “Heimlich”, it’s hard to tell – I reckon both would be safer for the recipient if the person doing it had been properly taught. Personally, being big and quite strong, I’d be scared of damaging a child, although that wouldn’t apply to Kiki and probably not to you.
Fear of the consequences if we don’t.
I canna help with that. I learned it dealing with my father and older sisters. If I delayed my emotional reaction until they were gone then life was much better for me. Also, I taught the primary Sunday School class (2 to 6 year olds) and I learned that if I didn’t immediately swoop in to take care after someone tripped then the kid would push themselves up, brush themselves off, and carry on as if nothing had happened. But let them trip where Mommy or Granny could see them, whoa boy! Niagara Falls of tears.
Heh. Poor Jig. He tries…
Let me know what they think of the nose-picking injury in book two 😉
I expect uproarious delight.
Thank goodness he was alright!
And your kids are the awesome… they did just the right thing in an emergency and most adults can’t manage that.
I can relate to your state of mind. I was in a car accident with Roo in the back seat when she was just a year old. I insisted on being taken to the hospital in the same ambulance. So long as she cried I didn’t concentrate on the fact I was strapped to a back board. I was all about she needed some milk and her diaper changed. Then once they had cleared her I was still on the board and Daddy was holding her but I was still on the back board waiting for x-ray. It was then that my O2 stats started dropping because I was getting claustrophobic from the bleeping Backboard.
Ona