The end of a very long week
Hours worked today = 7
Hours worked this week = 54
Many times Howard has reached the end of a stressful/busy day and has been exhausted and yet apologizing that he couldn’t work more/harder/faster. Then I soothe him and tell him it will all be okay, because I want him to slow down instead of run himself into the ground. I don’t know that I’ve ever been on the inside of that feeling before this week. I worked a 54 hour week and I want to cry because there is so much more to do. If I could just have worked harder/smarter/faster then I would be closer to done right now. I’ve been overwhelmed by the hugeness of parenting frequently, but this is different. It feels different. I honestly do not know how people work 40 hour weeks one after the other for months on end. Let alone 50-60 hour weeks. People do it, but continuing at this pace would grind me into a powder.
Parenting. This is the first time in my life when I have experienced my parenting tasks as a break from work. Have been my primary job for my whole adult life. They will be again just as soon as I can get this huge project kicked into shape. In the meantime, the kids are mostly foraging and fending for themselves. I try to make sure that there are plenty of cheerios and hot dogs on hand for them to eat. Then I emerge from my office all brain frazzled and flop on the couch to watch whatever movie or game they are occupied with. It is so good to just snuggle with them. To hold them close and remember that book layout is not the only thing in the world. The kids are feeling the effects of the lack of attention. Today Kiki and Link had a big blow-up. Patch has been easily upset. Gleek is running fast and being harder to steer. I sense these things vaguely, but I can’t focus on them right now, except in spurts. A few minutes here or there devoted to a particular child as our paths cross. The pattern would be extremely destructive if it were to last longer than the next week or two. But it will not. And things will be better when the kids are back in school next week, providing more structure to our days. And I have all day tomorrow where work is not allowed. I need a sabbath break more than I think I’ve ever needed it before.
The kids got their park trip. Finally. I promised it to them Monday evening, but then the weather went cold and snowy. I didn’t get to take them. Janci took them while I worked. I’m glad they got to go. I wish I could have gone.