Day: May 27, 2009

Today I identified part of the reason that Link has been fighting so hard against growing up. Every day that takes him into the future is one day closer to the time when his current teacher will not be his teacher anymore. Link does not want to leave fifth grade because he will leave behind something that is precious to him. We’ve talked about it, but I don’t have much comfort to offer. Link and I both know that visiting this teacher is not the same as being in the classroom with him every day. But identifying a source for the grief has actually done a lot to help calm Link down. He is very prone to displacement and often the displaced emotion goes into places where that emotion almost seems logical. It almost makes sense that Link be sad about Bestfriend moving away. To be in tears over it 3 years after the fact seems a little excessive, until you realize that Link is really sad about a parting that is looming in front of him. Then the returned grief at a previous parting begins to make sense.

I need to make more time for Link. He needs more snuggly, quiet spaces where he and I can talk through the thoughts in his head. I need to point out this realization to him so that he can see it too. Perhaps making this connection now will help him in the future to make his own connections.

My kids are real troopers. They have weathered the huge shift of having me change from a focused stay-at-home mom into a frequently scattered work-from-home mom. They have had some emotional reactions, but for the most part they have stayed wonderful kind people who don’t deliberately act out to try to reclaim some of my attention. This has even been true over the last two months when I was so insanely busy that I hardly had time for them at all. They stepped up and took care of themselves and each other. They believed me when I kept telling them it was only temporary and that they could have me back soon. But even the best troopers wear out eventually, and I’ve started seeing all the little signs.

I listen to them and hear the simple acceptance that I am always working. I hear the comment on the way to the park, that “Mom likes to play with us when she doesn’t have to work.” I hear Patch say “I know why you are always late. It’s cause you’re working.” I hear Kiki sigh in relief to her friends “At least the books didn’t arrive before my birthday.” I hear Link asking for extra snuggle time in the evening. I see Gleek’s tears when I was late for her school performance and she was afraid I would not come at all. Even with my fractured attention, the evidence is beginning to accumulate. I am working too much. The kids need more of me than they have been getting. Not only that, but the kids’ teachers need more support from me. I’ve always been one of the reliable, volunteering parents. I’ve been responsible and dependable. I’m not sure any of this year’s teachers would use those words to describe me.

Yesterday I asked my three youngest which field day events they most wanted me to attend. They all answered unanimously that they wanted me to come and be there all day long. They wanted me to hang out and see the events, and take pictures, and give them all my attention. I realized that because I’ve hired help with the shipping preparation I could. I could just leave the house and be there for the kids in the way that they need without neglecting critical business tasks. So I did that today. I got my shipping helper settled, ran a quick errand, and spent the rest of the day with the kids. We still had the problem of one parent trying to watch three kids simultaneously, but I was there.

I need to be there more, in all the little ways that add up so importantly in the math of childhood.