Month: May 2009

I have been rude to people today. I did not intend to be rude. I am just tired and distracted and unable to track more than a single thing at a time. To someone who does not know the whole story of why I am tired, I just seem rude. Unfortunately I am aware of my inability to function politely, but I’m too tired to fix it. So I try to find a quiet space to recuperate, which works until the unexpected visitor stops by or until four children start stacking requests on me in quick succession. I’m afraid the kids bear the brunt of my fatigue. They get snapped at or scolded. I apologize, but that is not the same as having me better able to manage. I know I am not in a good mental place when I start needing things from my kids instead of giving to them or carefully structuring expectations. It gets especially difficult when what I need is in direct contradiction to what they need. This evening they needed their mom. They needed me to fix snacks and listen to their rambles. They needed to be heard so they could unwind for bed. I needed silence and space. They needed talking and cuddles.

We’ll all be fine. One evening of cranky mothering will not do serious damage. I know this, but I can’t seem to shut up that guilty voice in my head; the one that points out how frequently I have been cranky in the past two months. The one that counts up the hours the kids have been spending on electronic entertainments when I was too busy to make them vary their activities. The one that counts up the missed piano lessons, and gymnastics classes, and scout activities. The one that sees we still have two weeks go go before the books are shipped. The one who sees how tired Howard is, and yet he is the one doing the dishes. This voice whispers of laundry and weeds and microwaved meals. All that guilt pounds in my head and makes it even harder for me to hear the needs of the kids as they speak to me.

Goodness I am tired. Howard is tired. In theory today should be a day of celebration. We have all the books. They are here. But all Howard and I can see is the work yet to do. He is weighed down by it. I am weighed down by it. Both of us are too tired to do more than try not to add our stress to the other person. I want him to smile and be happy and confident so I can ride on the wave of his energy. Unfortunately he could use the same wave from me. I haven’t got it. Not today. Tomorrow we will be fine. We will just have work to do and we will get going on it. Then we will keep going until it is done. But we are not looking forward to the emotional and physical haul of the next few weeks.

The books have arrived. My garage is now filled with six pallets of books and slipcases. Four more pallets are sitting in the driveway ready to be hauled over to the storage unit. We’ll trade them for additional boxes of Tub of Happiness and Teraport Wars that we’ll need to stuff some of the slipcases.

I did some math. We’ll be shipping out
379 Tub of Happiness
573 Teraport Wars
369 Under New Management
345 Blackness Between
1333 Scrapyard of Insufferable Arrogance.

The total books to be shipped is currently 2999. There will also be assorted other merchandise in the packages. Last time we shipped out 1500 books in one day. This time we may need that second shipping day. Also I think the postman is going to have to make more trips. There will be over 1500 packages and most of the packages will be larger.

The signing and stamping of books begins tomorrow.
Thursday will be assembly of box sets and convention preparation
Friday I attend the kids’ dance festival then head to Conduit
Saturday is Conduit and the book release party
Sunday rest and church
Monday will be scheduled depending upon how all of the above goes. Hopefully I’ll be ready to start printing postage, but I may still be assembling and shrinkwrapping box sets. Also there will be many last-week-of-school activities for me to attend.

Ready. Set. Go!

My kitchen table is surrounded by children. They are all carefully taping round yellow map pins to cards. These cards will then be inserted into the Schlock Mercenary box sets so that each box set will have a “fiddly-bit” or hypernet node. (Actual access to hypernet is not guaranteed.) I would feel a little guilty about this child labor, except for the fact that I keep saying “Why don’t you take a break and go play?” and the children refuse to stop taping. They are having fun. Even better, they are earning money. Gleek has already planned exactly how she intends to spend her money. In fact Gleek is in charge of this operation. She is keeping track of her own time and the time for the two neighbor kids as well. Gleek is very proud of the fact that she has kept working longer than anyone else. Kiki and her friend took a break for video games.

It is interesting to me to listen to the conversations between the kids as they work. Many of the conversations revolve around the math necessary to calculate how much time they have worked and how much money they have earned. There are also exclamations about tape sticking to itself or pins falling on the floor. (If your fiddly-bit pin looks like it was taped to the card by a five-year-old, it probably was.) But as they work, the younger ones spin stories about who they are and why they have to do this work. I think they are currently workers in a factory trying to assemble a million pins before the whole thing blows up. Earlier there was some discussion of the Evil Monkey Master Mind (Howard) who set them this difficult chore. Kiki and her friend have less imaginary conversations. Kiki observes to her friend that this is the only part of book shipping she likes. She likes having the chance to earn money. I guess she doesn’t like having mom and dad stressed and busy.

As for me, I am very glad to see pins being assembled to cards so quickly. I will pay the kids more than they expect because I am so glad to not have to do this by myself. Tomorrow the shipment of books will arrive. We’re expecting 11 pallets this time. We can fit only 6 into our garage. The remainder will have to be shifted to the storage unit as soon as possible. Fortunately we know a guy with a forklift who will work for merchandise and pizza. Then on Wednesday we begin opening up boxes to let Howard sign the covers and to stamp the sketch pages. These boxes will be hauled to Dragon’s Keep for Howard to sign. We’ll also be assembling box sets and shrink wrapping them. Thursday Howard will begin sketching and I’ll be putting together the huge loads of things I need to haul to ConDuit.

I’m so glad the waiting is over (or will be tomorrow afternoon). All the pieces are coming together. It is very affirming to realize that I have the pieces I need to fulfill orders. I like knowing that I can just work until the work is done. Speaking of done, the kids are almost finished. I’d better go get out my cash box.

I seem to have achieved impending panic.  This state is the result of attempting to not be waiting for the phone call which will tell me exactly when the books will arrive, while simultaneously contemplating exactly how much we’ll be spending on shipping in the next two weeks.  Fortunately this is now a familiar feeling.  I go through this every time we’re preparing to ship books.  I know we’ll get through it and everything will be fine.  Unfortunately that knowledge can not banish the stress completely.  I need that phone call I’m trying not to wait for. 

“Mom! You’re weeding!” Gleek announced with astonishment.
“Am I not allowed to weed?” I asked while pulling grass from a flower bed.
“You just haven’t done it in a long time.”
She’s right. I haven’t. I think the last time I sat down to weed was sometime in the fall. But today I found myself with a space of beautiful weather and all the urgent tasks waiting on someone else. Come Monday I will be busy again, but today I am not. So I weeded a little. Then I came inside and was a fiction writer for the first time in months. I revised a story and sent it out to an editor. I spruced up my website by making all the information on it current. I even collected materials for panel discussions and a reading. Yes, I get to do a reading at ConDuit right after I give my presentation.

My first thought on the reading was that I would read my picture book and then read other people’s picture books to fill out the hour. This plan was based on the fact that I only have the one published work. But then I realized that I have more than that. I can read an essay or two. I can read “Immigrant” from Ages of Wonder. I can also read the (recently completed) technomagic Spiderwick-ish chapter book about a house elf who loves video games. I can read some of the stories off of my website. In fact I realized that I am going to have to pick and choose because there is too much for me to read it all in 30 minutes. This makes me happy. Now I get to engage in the normal writerly nailbiting worry that no one will show up at the allotted time.

Today also contains Kiki’s 14th birthday party. She has amazingly cool friends. They’re all sitting around drawing pictures while watching a Doctor Who season one marathon. Then they all went out to sushi. After that, they’ll be back for more Doctor Who. After dark they intend to play Blink out in the back yard. I like this kind of party. Kiki did all of the planning and preparation for it. All I have to do is be in the house so that there is adult supervision.

I feel a little guilty for having such a slow-paced and relaxing day when Howard is stuck in his office coloring until his eyes bleed. I shall have to use some of my relaxation to make the house a cleaner and nicer place so he can be happy when he emerges.

Three months ago I got an estimated delivery schedule for The Scrapyard of Insufferable Arrogance. It said that books would arrive the week of 5/11. I mentally allowed a comfortable three week space between the arrival of books and the shipping event. Thus Shipping was penciled in at approximately June 4-5. All was well.

Then at LTUE (a local Sci Fi symposium) in February, we conceived the idea of doing the Scrapyard book launch party as part of ConDuit at the end of May. This sounded like a wonderful way to possibly bring in some new traffic and to put a release in the Salt Lake Valley. I checked our schedule, books should arrive in plenty of time. (Did not calculate that having ConDuit in between book arrival and book shipping, effectively canceled out half a week of sketching time. Mistake #1)

With the book release party not attached to the shipping, this meant we could do the shipping on a Monday/Tuesday rather than a Thursday/Friday. This was likely to prove better for scheduling Dragon’s Keep. So I mentally moved the book shipping up to June 1 & 2. (I did not consider that I was thus shortening the space between book delivery and book shipping. Mistake #2.)

Another result of LTUE was Howard and I contracted with Tracy and Curtis Hickman to create the XDM project. This sucked all of our energy and time for about six weeks and resulted in Howard losing a couple of weeks off of the Schlock Mercenary comic buffer. This meant that Howard hit May with a dire need to rebuild the buffer. Usually we try to build the buffer ahead of book arrival so that Howard has time to do the sketching. The buffer can not be ignored because there are big events at the end of the summer during which Howard will not be able to work on comics.

Then the week of 5/11 arrived and the books did not. We are now at the end of that week and have just received word that books will not arrive until the middle of next week. The relieving news is that we should have them in time for ConDuit. A book release party sans books would be a very sorry affair. Unfortunately the later-than-anticipated delivery removed a week and a half from my time line. (Mistake #3 always remember that estimates of delivery are inexact when dealing with ocean crossings and customs brokers.)

So here we are and the calendar tells me that Howard will have one week to sketch in 1000 books. During that same week he also has to produce a week of comics so that the buffer will not suffer. AND he needs to do it without causing himself bodily injury. It can’t be done. One week is not enough time. I’m going to have to push back the shipping dates by at least one week. This will impact our intended family vacation and may push it into late June or July. I just told the kids all about the vacation and now I’m going to have to tell them it is delayed. It is delayed because I miscalculated. Three times I miscalculated.

The good news is that for all official statements and customer support emails I’ve been saying “Early June” for shipping. June 8-9 still qualifies as early June. At least I hedged my schedule in a way that I won’t have dozens of emails wondering where their stuff is.

All four kids were in the van with me. They were chattering excitedly, speculating on where we might be going. My announcement of a surprise had them all intrigued.
“Kangaroo Zoo!” shouted Gleek hopefully.
“Nope. Mom made Patch put on shoes. You don’t need shoes for Kangaroo Zoo.” Link answered.
“Not Kangaroo Zoo.” I confirmed.
We kept talking around the issue. I told them it was not a big surprise, because we needed daddy for there to be a big surprise. That meant that this surprise was either medium sized or small. Guesses were made for a local elementary school and the dinosaur museum.
“Nope!” I said cheerfully.
The kids subsided into meditative silence while they pondered their clues. After a few moments Patch spoke up.
“I know why we get a surprise.” He kicked his feet cheerfully. “Any time Mom has a day off from work, she likes to do nice things for us.”
There were murmured agreements from all the kids. Then Link spotted The Purple Turtle (a local restaurant) and they knew exactly where we were going.
“Discovery Park!” Link shouted with glee.
“Yup!” I confirmed.
All the kids bounced in their seats. They’ve been longing to go to Discovery park for months. In fact, every time we visit Discovery Park they declare their desire to live there. It is an amazing wooden playground with mazes, rocket ship, and a volcano as well as more standard playground equipment. We arrived to discover that the park was nigh empty. The weather was perfect. It makes me think that we should make park trips on Thursday afternoons more often, because apparently the rest of the world was too busy doing other things.
When it was time to leave, I smugly announced that there was a second part to the surprise. I had to tell Link and Gleek what it was in order to get them to agree to leave. We stopped at Hogi Yogi for sandwiches and ice cream. The kids were all marvelously well behaved sitting there inside the store. They also loved the sandwiches. I did too. But even more than the sandwiches, I loved watching them and listening as they talked to each other and me. I loved being away from my house, and my computer, and my work so that I could really see the kids. It was a good outing.

When Howard and I decided it was time for him to quit Novell and be a cartoonist, we were very aware that this would represent a significant lifestyle change for our children. Much of my energy over the next couple of years was spent in making sure that the kids perceived themselves as better off even though we had less income. It worked for a long time. But our lives have shifted since then. We are not pinching pennies and both Howard and I are constantly busy. I’ve become naggingly aware that, while Howard and I love our business challenges, the kids might wish for it to be different. From their perspective, there really is no difference between busy at a corporate job and busy at a home business. All they know is that mom and dad are not available to pay attention right now. I want my children’s future analyses of their childhoods to be of the “we were really lucky” variety instead of the “I will never do that to my children” variety.

I need to be spending more time and attention on the things that are important to my children rather than the things that are important to me or to the business. My first effort on this score will take place this afternoon. As soon as they’re all home from school, I am going to make myself completely available for the rest of the afternoon. We will probably go to a park. Then there may be ice cream. After that, who knows? But the festivities will wind down in time for bed because there is school tomorrow. I will also make some time available on Saturday. Even more important is remembering which hours are supposed to be devoted to house and family. Small business tasks keep trying to creep into those spaces and I need to evict them. My house and my children need to have my undivided attention at least once per day each.

The current spate of insanely busy should wind to a close by June 2nd. There will be a family trip on the weekend after that. We won’t go far, but we’ll be together away from the house. Howard and I are already turning over plans for a much bigger family trip next summer. We’re planning it now so that it is the first thing on the calendar for next year. We’ll have to plan everything else around it.